Baravelli Quotes in Horse Feathers (1932)

Professor Wagstaff: In case I never see you again, which would add ten years to my life, what would you fellas want to play football?

Baravelli: Well, first we want a football.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, I don't know if we've got a football, but if I can find one, would you be interested? I don't want a hasty answer, just sleep on it.

Baravelli: I no think I can sleep on a football.

Professor Wagstaff: Have you ever had any experience as a kidnapper?

Baravelli: You bet. You know what I do when I kidnap somebody? First I call 'em up on the telephone, then I send 'em my chauffeur.

Professor Wagstaff: Oh, have you got a chauffeur? What kind of a car have you got?

Baravelli: Oh, I no got a car, I just got a chauffeur.

Professor Wagstaff: Well maybe I'm crazy, but when you have a chauffeur, aren't you supposed to have a car?

Baravelli: Well I had one, but-a you see it cost too much money to keep a car and a chauffeur so I sold the car.

Professor Wagstaff: Well that shows you how little I know. I would've kept the car and sold the chauffeur.

Baravelli: That's a-no good. I gotta have a chauffeur to take me to work in the morning.

Professor Wagstaff: Well if you've got no car, how can he take you to work?

Baravelli: He don't have to take me to work, I no got a job.

Professor Wagstaff: Baravelli, this is the finish: how much would you want to stand at the wrong end of a shooting gallery?

Baravelli: [through speakeasy's door] Who are you?

Professor Wagstaff: I'm fine, thanks, who are you?

Baravelli: I'm fine too, but you can't come in unless you give the password.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, what is the password?

Baravelli: Aw, no. You gotta tell me. Hey, I tell what I do. I give you three guesses. It's the name of a fish.

Professor Wagstaff: Is it Mary?

Baravelli: Ha-ha. That's-a no fish.

Professor Wagstaff: She isn't? Well, she drinks like one. Let me see: Is it sturgeon?

Baravelli: Hey, you crazy. Sturgeon, he's a doctor cuts you open when-a you sick. Now I give you one more chance.

Professor Wagstaff: I got it. Haddock.

Baravelli: That's-a funny. I gotta haddock, too.

Professor Wagstaff: What do you take for a haddock?

Baravelli: Well-a, sometimes I take-a aspirin, sometimes I take-a calomel.

Professor Wagstaff: Say, I'd walk a mile for a calomel.

Baravelli: You mean chocolate calomel. I like that too, but you no guess it. Hey, what's-a matter, you no understand English? You can't come in here unless you say, "Swordfish." Now I'll give you one more guess.

Professor Wagstaff: ...swordfish, swordfish... I think I got it. Is it "swordfish"?

Baravelli: Hah. That's-a it. You guess it.

Professor Wagstaff: Pretty good, eh?

Professor Wagstaff: [referring to the picture of the pin-up girl] Baravelli, is this your picture?

Baravelli: I don't think so. It no look-a like me.

Baravelli: You sing-a high.

Connie: Yes, I have a falsetto voice.

Baravelli: That's-a funny; my last pupil she had-a false set-a teeth.

Baravelli: There's a man outside with a big black moustache.

Professor Wagstaff: Tell him I've got one!

Jennings: What are you doing here?

Baravelli: Me? I'm the music teacher. I give her singing lessons.

Jennings: [to Connie] Since when are you taking singing lessons?

Baravelli: Since you came in.

Jennings: [to Wagstaff] What are you doing here?

Professor Wagstaff: I'm the plumber. I'm just hanging around in case something goes wrong with her pipes.

[to audience]

Professor Wagstaff: That's the first time I've used that joke in twenty years.

Baravelli: You gotta brother?

Mullen: No.

Baravelli: You gotta sister?

Mullen: Yeah.

Baravelli: Well-a, you sister, she's a very sick man, you better come with us.

Mullen: Yeah? What happened to her?

Baravelli: She hadda accident in her automobile.

McCarthy: Ah, she has no automobile.

Baravelli: Well-a, maybe she's-a fall off-a horse. I don't-a look very close. Come on, we take you in our car.

Mullen: You will, eh? Well, I have no sister.

Baravelli: That's all right. We no gotta car. Come on.

Professor Wagstaff: I'm Professor Wagstaff of Huxley College.

Baravelli: That means nothing to me.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, it doesn't mean anything to me either. I'll try it over again. I'm Professor Huxley of Wagstaff College.

Baravelli: Well, you didn't stay at the other college very long.

Baravelli: Well, that's the last time we deliver ice unless you pay the bill.

Professor Wagstaff: How much do we owe you?

Baravelli: Two thousand dollars.

Professor Wagstaff: Two thousand dollars for ice? I can get an Eskimo for two hundred dollars and make my own ice.

Baravelli: I tell you what we do. I make you a proposition. You owe us two hundred dollars. We take two thousand and call it square.

Professor Wagstaff: That's not a bad idea. I tell you, I'll consult my lawyer and if he advises me to do it, I'll get a new lawyer. Why don't you forget about the money? Go to college, meet all the beautiful girls, get yourself a co-ed.

Baravelli: Hah! I got a co-ed. Last week for eighteen dollars I got a co-ed with two pair of pants.

Professor Wagstaff: Since when has a co-ed got two pair of pants?

Baravelli: Since I joined the college.

Professor Wagstaff: Well, now that you're a college boy, here's your hat, here's your pennant, here's your coat. Alright, report for football practice in the morning. I want you to sign this agreement.

Baravelli: Hey, there's nothing on this paper.

Professor Wagstaff: That's alright. We'll fill in something later. Here, put your name on there, eh?

Biology Professor: The liver if neglected, invariably leads to cirrhosis. Of course, you are all familiar with the symptoms of cirrhosis.

Baravelli: Sure. cirrhosis are red; so violets are blue; so sugar is sweet; so, so are you.

Professor Wagstaff: Now then, baboons, what is a corpuscle?

Baravelli: That's easy! First is a captain, then is a lieutenant, then is a corpuscle!

Baravelli: Oh, Professor, I no see you. What are you doing here?

Professor Wagstaff: Nothing, right now. But, I was doing alright until you came in.

Connie: Oh, so you know the Professor.

Baravelli: Sure. He put me in business. He got me on the football team.

Professor Wagstaff: Now all's I gotta do is get him off the couch!

Preacher: Do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband?

Connie: I do.

Preacher: Do you take this woman to be your lawful wedded wife?

Professor Wagstaff, Baravelli, Pinky: We do!

Baravelli: [to Connie] Lady, I like you. You've got something, but I don't know what it is.

Professor Wagstaff: If he thinks I'm gonna tell him, he's crazy!