Bandit Quotes in Smokey and the Bandit (1977)

Bandit: [walks up the steps to Cletus's house, where his wife, whose hair is in huge curlers, is standing in the doorway] Well, well, well, hello, Beautiful.

[she stares at him with a stern look on her face]

Bandit: How about 'Gorgeous?'

Waynette Snow: You can't have him.

Bandit: Well, obviously, *you* can.

[indicates the gaggle of kids]

Bandit: What are you tryin' to do, start another race?

[pushes past her and into the house]

Waynette Snow: Look, you got Cledus in jail once! Leave us alone!

One of the Snow kids: [climbs on Bandit's back] Hi, Uncle Bandit!

Waynette Snow: He ain't your damned uncle!

[steps on the dog, who whimpers]

Waynette Snow: One of you damned kids, get this dog out of here!

[Bandit keeps walking toward the bedroom, where Cletus is sleeping]

Waynette Snow: Dammit, Bandit, *look at me!*

Bandit: [stops and turns wearily] I find it hard to look at you, Waynette, very hard. Especially when you've got those things in your hair. Makes me think you're listening to a radio station in Savannah.

Bandit: For the good old American life: For the money, for the glory, and for the fun... mostly for the money.

Carrie: [after being given the handle of "Frog" by Bandit] Why?

Bandit: Because you're always hoppin around. And kinda you're cute, like a frog. And I'd like ta jump ya.

Bandit: Oh I love your suits. It must have been a bitch to get a 68 Extra Fat and a 12 Dwarf.

Carrie: You have a great profile.

Bandit: Yeah, I do, don't I? Especially from the side.

Carrie: Well, at least we agree on something.

Bandit: Yeah. We both like half of my face.

[Communicating through the C.B. radio]

Bandit: Sheriff, uh, Buford T. Justice, please.

Buford T. Justice: Who there?

Bandit: This is Bandit Darville talkin'.

Buford T. Justice: Where are you, you sombitch?

Bandit: Before I tell you where I am, Sheriff, there's just one thing I wanna say. You must be part coon dog, 'cause I've been chased by the best of them, and son, you make 'em look like they're all runnin' in slow motion. I just wanna say that.

Buford T. Justice: Well, thank you, Mr. Bandit. And as the pursuer, may I say you're the goddamnedest pursuee I've ever pursued. Now that the mutual bullshit is over, WHERE ARE YOU, YOU SOMBITCH?

Bandit: Well, go girl, go!

Carrie: [She is driving] I'm goin' I'm goin! I got the metal to the petal and the thing to the floor!

Bandit: New car. Gotta have a new car to block for the truck.

[watches as Little Enos begins counting out money]

Bandit: Speedy car.

[watches as Little Enos counts out more money]

Bandit: Speedier than that.

Little Enos: [mumbling] I'd like to kick his ass just once.

Cledus Snow: You can't drive a fork lift.

Bandit: I can drive any forkin' thing around.

Bandit: [Bandit and Frog walking through the wooded area] When you tell somebody somethin', it depends on what part of the country you're standin' in... as to just how dumb you are.

Carrie: Mr Bandit, you have a lyrical way of cutting through the bullshit.

Bandit: And you have a unique way with the English language, Miss Frog.

Little Enos: I think you're just a little bit scared.

Bandit: That's real good psychology. Why don't you say something bad about my mother?

Little Enos: Your momma is so ugly...

Cledus Snow: Atlanta to Texarkana and back in twenty eight hours? That ain't never been done before, not in no rig.

Bandit: That's cause *we* ain't never done it in no rig. You got to stop thinkin so negative son, we aint not never made it yet have we?

Cledus Snow: Well no...

Bandit: Well alright.

[hops up into trailer]

Cledus Snow: Hey, we really ought to pay somebody for that mess we made.

Bandit: [Hands Cledus notepad and pen] I got that all figured out. Just tell em to send the bill to Big Enos Burdette.

[Gets in car and drives off]

Cledus Snow: [writing a note] Send bill to Big Enos Burdette; Burdette; B, Ber, B-u-r...

[sees Bandit take off]

Cledus Snow: Hell, I got to go!

[leaves without finishing note]

Carrie: Would a cop taking a leak on the side of the road interest you?

Bandit: [looking] Yes it would... He was taking a 10-100

Carrie: Well that's better than a 10-*2*00

[both laugh]

Bandit: Sheriff... do the letters F.O mean anything to you?

Buford T. Justice: [putting C.B down] Sma't Alec!

Buford T. Justice: Breaker, breaker for the Bandit.

Bandit: Come on back, breaker.

Buford T. Justice: Bandit I got a smokey report for you. Come on!

Bandit: Well, talk to me good buddy.

Buford T. Justice: You got trouble comin...

Bandit: Well what's your handle son, and what's your twenty?

Buford T. Justice: My handle's Smokey Bear and I'm tail-grabbin yo ass right now!

Cledus Snow: [over CB about Carrie's dress] Hey, is she wearing a

[pause]

Cledus Snow: *wedding dress*?

Bandit: [Carrie throws dress out of the car since she has changed into jeans and a shirt] She was.

Cledus Snow: What's she wearing now? Come back. Hey, you got peanut butter or somethin' in your ears? Tell me what that girl's got on. Her mind!

[laughs Earthily]

Cledus Snow: 10-4.

Bandit: [Speaking to Big Enos] Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Why do you want that beer so bad?

Little Enos: Because he's thirsty, dummy!

Carrie: I think I just went 10-100.

Bandit: Well that's Better than 10-200.

Carrie: [a little flustered] Yes that's true.

[they both laugh]

Bandit: [commenting on Carrie's legs] Well, Cowboys love fat calves.

Carrie: They're not fat!

Bandit: Well, they're bigger then mine.

Carrie: Do we really wanna talk about legs?

Bandit: Well, one of us does. Otherwise we...

Carrie: Smart ass.

Carrie: Don't you ever take off that hat?

Bandit: I take my hat off for one thing, and one thing only.

Carrie: Oh...

[beat]

Carrie: Take your hat off.

[Bandit looks stunned]

Carrie: If you want to...

Bandit: I want to.

Bandit: Snowman, you got your ears on?

Cledus Snow: You lucky devil, you got him! Where the hell are you?

Cledus Snow: [whistles]

[hears a police motorcycle siren]

Cledus Snow: Oh, no! Hey, Bandit, Hey, Bandit, listen to this!

Cledus Snow: [siren blares out of Bandit's CB] You know who that is? That be the Evel Knievel. He snuck in my back door when I wasn't lookin'. You better flip-flop back here and gimme' a hand, son, or we gonna be in a heap of trouble. Please roger that transmission!

Bandit: Hold on to Fred, son! Here comes the cavalry!

Bandit: You must be in a hell of a hurry, huh, Sheriff?

Buford T. Justice: You bet your ass on that, boy.

Carrie: Actually, my heaviest relationship was with an acid-rock singer... named Robert Crumly. We were together, oh, eight-and-a-half days. God, I really thought that was it.

Bandit: And?

Carrie: One day, I came home and found him in the shower... with a girl... and her mother!

Bandit: Well, at least he kept it in the family.

Bandit: Cledus, get the money.

Cledus Snow: Yeah, how 'bout the money?

Little Enos: How 'bout double or nothin'?

Cledus Snow: How 'bout forgettin' it?

Bandit: Wait a minute. What about double or nothin'?

Little Enos: You run up to Boston, and bring back some clam chowder for me and my daddy.

Carrie: You're on.

Bandit: Uh, you're on.

Big Enos: In 18 hours?

Bandit: You're still on.

Cledus Snow: WHAT? You're *crazy*! And I'm *divorced*!

Cledus Snow: Besides, I can't go with you. I got to go to Conyers in the morning and pick up a load of manure.

Bandit: Shitty job.

[Bandit has just used a broken bridge to jump a river]

Carrie: That was great! I want to jump something else! I want to jump a car, or a house, I wanna jump something!

Bandit: [still shaking] Then jump me!

Bandit: You chasin' somebody Sheriff? Somebody chasin' you?

Buford T. Justice: Nobody's chasin' me, boy!

Cledus Snow: Hey Bandit. Me an' Fred's got a question.

Bandit: What you an' Fred want?

Cledus Snow: How come we doin' this?

Bandit: Well why not?

Cledus Snow: Well they said it couldn't be done.

Bandit: Well thats the reason, son!

Cledus Snow: [shrugs] That's good with Fred. We're clear.

Bandit: [laughing] Ten-four

Bandit: What's a Texas county mounty doing in Arkansas?

Cledus Snow: I don't know.

Carrie: I don't know.

[Bandit looks at her]

Carrie: I don't know!

Bandit: [on the CB] Well who the heck knows?

Cledus Snow: I really don't know.

Bandit: What the hell was that?

Carrie: A left. Or a half a U.

Bandit: Now, gettin' to Texarkana and back in 28 hours, that's no problem.

Little Enos: It ain't never been done before, hot shit.

Bandit: Watch your language, little lady.

Bandit: What do you think they do for excitement in this town?

Cledus Snow: Probably sit around and watch the cars rust.

Carrie: Well, what are we going to do when we go home?

Bandit: Go to bed... for a week.

Carrie: Good idea!

Bandit: ...And sleep!

Carrie: Wanna bet?

Buford T. Justice: [Leaning against his car with his gun pointed at Bandit] Well as you can see Bandit, I've got my piece in my hand.

'Bandit': You've got your WHAT in your hand?

Cledus Snow: [Bandit is being chased by a lot of police and Cledus is heading straight for them in his truck] Tell me, how many trucks do you see?

'Bandit': I see one, unless I've been drinking.

Cledus Snow: [yells in the CB] Okay, boys... do it, to it!

Cledus Snow: [19 trucks emerge from behind Snowman's truck] Well, I must be commode-hangin' drunk, coz I see about twenty trucks. Ha ha!

'Bandit': Hi, Buford!

Buford T. Justice: Hello, you handsome sombitch!

'Bandit': Excuse me sir, but your ass is on fire. I bet you can't wait to get back home to Canada and stick it in the snow.

'Bandit': [finding out Charlotte's pregnant] Who did it?

Cledus Snow: Don't look at me.

Doc: Probably another elephant.

'Bandit': I know that, when did it happen?

Doc: Long time ago.

Doc: Sure, take her in the truck, make the baby go bada-bing, bada-boom, but I'll tell you this, I'm not going to be responsible.

[walks off muttering Italian]

Cledus Snow: [to the Bandit] Don't you understand English? He says you can't be shaking Charlotte around in that truck, she's gonna have a baby!

'Bandit': We're talking about $400,000, do you understand that? This is our last chance! $400,000!

Cledus Snow: I understand $400,000 and I would like to get my share of $400,000, but I ain't gonna kill an elephant to get it.

Cledus Snow: [punches Bandit and knocks him down] Doc, I thought I loved him too much to do that to him.

'Bandit': Obviously not.

[Cledus is standing over the Bandit, who's on the floor, drunk]

'Bandit': Cledus, you've gotten taller.

Cledus Snow: Yes, and you've gotten drunker. This place looks like a shithouse!

[Bandit points to the bathroom]

'Bandit': You want a shithouse? It's in there.

'Bandit': I'm the only guy in the world who could drink up a Trans-Am.

Carrie: Can you imagine Roy Rogers selling Trigger for a 6-pack?

'Bandit': No.

'Bandit': [trying to get back on the road after Charlotte gives birth] She's as strong as an ox.

Doc: She IS strong as an ox, NOW she has to get strong as an elephant.

'Bandit': You know I could take you head off.

Cledus Snow: And you know that's just what you' gonna have to do.

'Bandit': What is WRONG with you idiots? You act like she's human!

[sees tears running down Charlotte's face, Doc starts crying, Cledus tears up]

'Bandit': I'm sorry, Charlotte.

'Bandit': I didn't take Charlotte to Texas.

Carrie: You didn't?

'Bandit': No.

Carrie: What about Big Enos?

'Bandit': Let him get his own elephant.

Carrie: What about the money?

'Bandit': I blew it. But we can still make it.

Carrie: Have you got more than a dollar?

'Bandit': Yeah.

Carrie: In cash?

'Bandit': Yeah.

Carrie: Then that's good enough.

Carrie: [Gets angry at Bo and storms out of club ,he follows] That is it for you! You have had it! You're hooked! You're a fame junkie! They should give you intravenous feedings of People magazine and National Enquirer headlines!... And if you're a real good boy,they'll give you a Tonight Show enema!

'Bandit': [Confused by her attitude] What is the matter?

Carrie: [Ignores him and concludes before leaving] ... and if you weren't so dumb,they'd put you on Cross-Wits!

Bandit: Do you have any last words before we kill you senor?

Sam Spade: Help.

Bandit: I think I kill both of ya!

Sam Spade: Now wait a minute! I said I didn't have the money here. I didn't say I didn't know where it was.

Bandit: Good! Now we go somewhere!

Sam Spade: Yeah, we go somewhere! I get on my horse, I go get the money and come back!

Bandit: You go? Come back? Kill him!

Sam Spade: Hold it! No, no! Look, I think you misunderstand my plan! See, I go...I leave my amigo here. If I don't come back you kill him!

Big Ben: Hey, now wait a minute!

Bandit: You keep quiet!

Big Ben: I don't like that idea. I go get the money...you kill him!

Bandit: Your last wish, señor?

Big Ben: Not to be here!

Joaquin: Hey, Chakal! Why don't you pick on someone your own size?

Bandit: 'Cause no one's that big, man.