Baker Quotes in Die Hard 2 (1990)


Baker Quotes:

  • [Miller reaches the church after escaping from McClane; he passes Baker at the door]

    Baker: Where's Cochrane?

    Miller: He didn't make it.

    Baker: Aw, man.

    [He brushes some snow off of Miller's jacket. Inside the church, we see Colonel Stuart marking measurements on a map of the airport. He looks up at Miller's arrival]

    Colonel Stuart: You're late.

    Miller: [sighs] We ran into trouble, Colonel. Some cop... killed Cochrane. I barely got away, sir.

    Colonel Stuart: Did you accomplish your mission?

    Miller: Yes, sir. But... Cochrane.

    Colonel Stuart: Well then the damage is minimal.


    Colonel Stuart: The *penalty* could be severe.

    [He puts a Glock 17 to Miller's head. Miller tenses up as Stuart pulls the trigger. The gun clicks on an empty chamber]

    Colonel Stuart: You fail me again, and the chamber won't be empty. Dismissed.

    [He puts his gun away and Miller leaves]

  • [a van pulls up in front of the church. Baker and Thompson climb out, wearing maintenance workers' uniforms]

    Baker: Grab the tools, will ya?

    Thompson: Got it.

    [Inside the church, the custodian is eating some soup and watching a TV broadcast on Esperanza's extradition]

    Newcaster on TV: This is Aimee Nicole reporting live from Escalon Airport, where deposed general Ramon Esperanza has just arrived under heavy guard. Strangely, the deposed dictator's mood seems jubilant.

    [Baker knocks on the door]

    Newcaster on TV: He is smiling and waving to the crowd like a man running for political office.

    [Baker knocks on the door more urgently; the custodian gets up to answer the door]

    Newcaster on TV: ...thousands of political prisoners in the past decade, including the new president, and there's no doubt that he still has some ardent supporters, both here and abroad. Rumors abound on Capitol Hill that there were others...

    [the custodian opens the door]

    Custodian: Yes?

    Baker: Sorry to bother you, sir. We're checking our equipment. Got problems with conduit lines in your backyard.

    Custodian: Gee, I don't know anything about that.

    Thompson: Would you mind if we take a look?

    Custodian: Help yourself.

    [He shows them into the church as an MD-82 takes off from Dulles on the adjacent runway; the three men walk down the aisle as the broadcast continues in the background]

    Custodian: Don't seem right, somehow, closing down this church! Oh I know the parish is gonna keep on using it, but it won't be the same. Been here a lot of years and I've been right here with it. Yeah, I kinda feel like a piece of me is dying along with this church.

    Baker: Uh, you're right about that.

    [Baker promptly pulls out a suppressed Glock 17 from his jacket and empties three rounds into the custodian, knocking his body backwards into a row of pews that overturn. Baker reholsters his weapon while Thompson watches as the custodian dies]

    Newcaster on TV: ...cocaine smuggling, racketeering and bribery of government officials, which he considerably doesn't show. But no matter how high his spirits, they can't hide the fact that America's war on drugs has finally taken its first prisoner.

    [Annoyed, Thompson turns off the television and punches the three-digit descrambler code into his walkie-talkie]

    Thompson: This is Buckwheat. The clubhouse is open.

    [Cuts to Baker and Thompson shifting the pews aside]

  • Bullitt: [revealing Johnny Ross' death] I've got him downstairs, under a John Doe.

    Baker: [stunned] You are sick. Smuggling a dead man out of a hospital, and now two men killed who may have had nothing to do with it?

    Bullitt: The man I was chasing killed Ross.

    Captain Bennett: How do you know? Did you see him?

    Bullitt: Yes. He tried to nail me with a shotgun, a Winchester pump.

    Baker: The radio report said the two men were burned beyond recognition. Now all he's got are two dead men. It would never hold up in court.

  • [after the Navy pilots have gotten their Morse Code message]

    David Grant: Jesus, they got it!

    Baker: [astounded] They got it?

    David Grant: They got it!

    Baker: I take back every rust-pickin', squid-hatin' thing I've ever said about swabbies!

  • David Grant: Can you hook up a probe so that I can see into the main cabin on this monitor?

    Baker: No, we can't transmit between the probe and the monitor.

    David Grant: Would a video camera work?

    Baker: Yeah.

    David Grant: You got one?

    Baker: No.

  • [as Jean shows a seat number to the hidden camera]

    David GrantBaker: 2, 1, K... 21K!

  • Riley Hale: [points a gun at Baker] You can get out now.

    Baker: [points his gun at Terry] I don't know, looks like we got ourselves a stand-off.

    Riley Hale: [Hale lowers his gun and shoots Baker in the leg. Baker screams and loses control of his gun]

    [ramming Baker's head into the steering wheel]

    Riley Hale: NO-WE-DON'T!

    [Throws Baker out of the Humvee]

  • Baker: [reading ID] Joseph P. Brenner. What's the "P" stand for?

    Mark Kaminsky: Pussy.

  • [to Everton who had just pulled a pistol on him]

    Baker: You ever pull a gun on me again...

    Captain Everton: You'll what?

    Baker: You figure it out.

  • Jack: Magic what type of magic?

    Baker's Wife: Tell him.

    Baker: Magic that, uh, defies description.

  • Baker: As the Prince anxiously waited, the stepmother took matters, and Florinda's foot, into her own hands.

    Florinda: Careful, my toe!

    Stepmother: Darling, I know!

    Florinda: What will we do?

    Stepmother: It'll have to go/but when you're his bride/you can sit or ride/you'll never need to walk!

    [cuts off Florinda's toe and Florinda screams in pain]

    Baker: Minus one toe, Florinda mounted the Prince's horse, unaware of the blood dripping from the slipper. Lucinda was next...

    Lucinda: Why won't it fit?

    Stepmother: Darling, be still/cut off a bit of the heel and it will/and when you're his wife/you'll have such a life/you'll never need to walk!

    [cuts of Lucinda's heel and Lucinda screams in pain]

    Baker: Minus a heel, Lucinda did her best to swallow the pain.

    Stepmother: It's a perfect fit your highness!

    [Lucinda faints]

  • Baker's Wife: You got the cape?

    Baker: What have you done with the cow?

    Baker's Wife: ...She ran away.

    Baker: What?

    Baker's Wife: Never reached home. I've been looking for her all night!

    Baker: How could you!

    Baker's Wife: Well she might just as easily run away from you.

    Baker: But she didn't.

    Baker's Wife: But she might've done!

    Baker: But she didn't!

    Baker's Wife: BUT SHE MIGHT'VE DONE!

    Baker: BUT SHE DIDN'T!

    Witch: [magically appearing] WHO CARES! Cow's gone! Get it back! Get it back!

  • [last lines]

    Baker: [he tells a story to the baby, Jack, Little Red Riding Hood and Cinderella] Once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom, there lived a small village at the edge of the woods. And in this village, there lived a young maiden, a carefree young lad, and a childless baker... with his wife. And one day, the baker and his wife were in their shop when a witch burst in, blowing the door off the place. And she said, the curse upon her and they have to get four items. One, the cow as white as milk, two, the cape as red as blood, three, the slipper as pure as gold...

  • Baker: [shown the King's discoloured urine, evidence of his porphyria] Medicine, young man, is a *science*! It consists of *observation*! Whether a man's water is blue is neither here nor there.

  • [first lines]

    Mona Gray: [narrating] I used to love my dad's stories, until the one he told me on my tenth birthday.

    Dad: There once was a kingdom where everybody lived forever. But the problem with nobody ever dying was that the kingdom got very crowded. And so the king, getting squeezed out of his own castle by his endless royal lineage, issued a decree.

    King: [still-life cartoon] Everybody in my kingdom, please pick one person from your family to die. We will have a mass execution that will bring forth much-needed space. Sorry to bum everybody out, but that's the way it goes.

    Dad: And each family showed up with their martyr, all except one family.

    Father: Sire, we can't decide. We love each other so much that we would all like to die together.

    Baker: Oh, no, they can't all die. They run the bakery. They make the best cinnamon buns in all the land.

    Father: What if we each cut off a piece of ourselves? And with all of these pieces combined, it will be as if one less person lived in town.

    King: Interesting. Hmm. Continue.

    Dad: But the daughter refused.

    Daughter: But, Dad, I like my limbs.

    Father: Don't be selfish. Would you rather one of us die?

    Son: You can have my arm.

    Mother: I'll give my right ear.

    Baker: I see no problem losing some of my fingers.

    Father: I'll throw in my nose.

    King: Guarantee me a leg, and it's a deal.

    Daughter: Well, I do have another one. Okay, I'm in.

    Dad: After the executioner had done the deed, the family made an unsightly sight and business went bad. So the family started selling their cinnamon buns by mail order to the next kingdom. And since no one had to look at them, they were a huge hit, and they made heaps of dough. And the father said to the daughter, "You see what we can accomplish if we all stick together?"The end.

    Mona Gray: [party guests all staring at Mona's Dad] It was the last birthday party I ever had.

  • Biederbeck: I gave specific orders that no expeditions were to occur without my leadership.

    Baker: Is this your mountain, sir?

    Biederbeck: I regard it as such.

    Baker: Are we to take that literally, sir?

    Biederbeck: You can take it any way you see fit.

  • Stewart: There's enough going on without you getting into more trouble.

    Baker: That kind of trouble I can take.

    Stewart: Yes, well she belongs to Beiderbeck.

    Baker: Don't we all?

  • Ace Rothstein: From now on, I want you to put an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

    Ace Rothstein: ...An equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

    Baker: Do you know how long that's going to take?

    Ace Rothstein: I don't care how long it takes. Put an equal amount in each muffin.

  • Ace Rothstein: [holding a crumbled blueberry muffin] From now on, I want you to put an equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

    [places muffin halves in baker's hands]

    Ace Rothstein: An equal amount of blueberries in each muffin.

    [wipes crumbs from hands]

    Baker: [with deadpan stare] Do you know how long that's going to take?

    Ace Rothstein: I don't care how long it takes, put an equal amount in each muffin.

  • Lockhart: [at the mess table] Getting rattled, John?

    Morell: Well, whatever we do, these damn U-boats seem to get through the screen every time. We lost almost half our convoy and an escort and are almost two days from Gibralter.

    [he gags with disgust;]

    Morell: It's an odd thing to think if nothing else happens, this is probably the worst convoy in the history of sea warfare.

    Lockhart: [trying to be comforting] Something to tell your grandchildren.

    Morell: Yes, indeed, in fact, if you can guarantee I will have grandchildren, I shall recover my spirits immediately.

    Baker: But how can he guarantee you'll have grandchildren?

    Morell: [angrily] Well, if they're as stupid as you are, I hope I don't have any!

    Baker: [taken aback at the outburst] Oh, I say...

    Baker: [he eats without further response]

  • Baker: Your marron glacés arrived. Would you like to take them?

  • Baker: I got the license number. I always had a good head for figures.

    Vincent Parry: My only interest in your head is how easy it'll crack open.

  • Baker: Just take it easy, Parry. You're gonna be better off that you ever were. As soon as I rake in the chips, I walk out of the game. Want your hat?

    Vincent Parry: You make it sound pretty simple.

    Baker: It is, and don't make it complicated by trying to make a break. I'll have to kill ya and only make myself $5000. One way you die, either way I make money.

  • Baker: I learned some things that even I never knew before.

  • Baker: Here, this is for you. You did a good job for me. Worth five hundred dollars,

    [hands over a purse]

    Angel Eyes: Oh I almost forgot. He gave me a thousand. I think his idea was that I kill you.

    [they both laugh]

    Angel Eyes: But you know the pity is when I'm paid, I always follow my job through. You know that.

    Baker: Noo! Angel Eyes!

    [Angel Eyes presses a pillow over Baker's face and shoots him through it]

Browse more character quotes from Die Hard 2 (1990)