Baird Whitlock Quotes in Hail, Caesar! (2016)

Baird Whitlock: Hobie Doyle?... You're a Communist too?

Baird Whitlock: He didn't see a Roman or a Slave, but a man.

Baird Whitlock: *That's* who benefits!

Baird Whitlock: The whole setup only works if I play along, right? If I don't let on that I know who kidnapped me.

John Howard Hermann, Head Communist Writer: Well, yes, that's right.

Baird Whitlock: Well, what if I name names?

Baird Whitlock: That's what happened to me when I went to Reno with Danny Kaye and he asked me to shave his back. Exact same thing. Because, I'm thinkin', who benefits? So, let me tell ya, everybody thinks that Danny's a jerk, he's not really a jerk. That's just a theory generating its own anti-theory. Anyway, there we were, it's me and Danny and I'm wondering what the hell am I doin' with a razor in my hand? And he says its for a Norman Taurog picture. But, Judy Canova's there and she knows Norman and she say's "Danny's not doing a Norman Taurog picture! He just wants you to shave his back!" And that's who benefits!

Baird Whitlock: I'm thinkin', "What the hell?" I've woken up in some strange houses before, but never without a broad next to me.

Baird Whitlock: These guys are pretty interesting, though. They've actually figured out the laws that dictate - everything! History! Sociology! Politics! Morality! Everything! It's all in a book called Capital - with a "K".

Eddie Mannix: Is that right?

Baird Whitlock: Yeah. You're not going to believe this. These guys even figured out what's going on here at the Studio. Because the Studio is nothing more than an instrument of capitalism. Yeah, so we blindly follow these laws like any any other institution. Laws that these guys figured out. The Studio makes pictures to serve the System. That is it's function! That's really what we're up to here.

Eddie Mannix: Is it?

Baird Whitlock: Yeah. Its just confirming what they call - the status quo. I mean, we may tell ourselves that we're creating something of artistic value or there's some sort of spiritual dimension to the picture business. But, what it really is, is this fat cat, Nick Skank, out in New York, running this factory, serving up these lollipops to the - what they used to call the bread and circuses for the...

Eddie Mannix: [Grabs Baird and slaps him] Now, you listen to me, buster. Nick Skank and the Studio have been good to you and to everyone else who works here. If I ever hear you bad mouthing Mr. Skank again, it'll be the last thing you say before I have you tossed in jail for colluding in your own abduction.

Baird Whitlock: Eddie, I wouldn't, I would never do that!

Eddie Mannix: [Slaps Baird some more] Shut up! You're gonna go out there and you're going to finish "Hail Caesar!" You're gonna give that speech at the feet of the penitent thief and you're gonna believe every word you say.

[slaps Baird some more]

Eddie Mannix: You're going to do it because you're an actor and that's what you do. Just like the director does what he does and the writer and the script girl and the guy who claps the slate. You're gonna do it because the picture has worth! And you have worth if you serve the picture and you're never gonna forget that again.

Baird Whitlock: I won't forget, Eddie.

Eddie Mannix: Damn right, you won't. Not as long as I run this dump.