Bailiff Quotes in Chicago (2002)

Bailiff: Do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Velma Kelly: And then some.

Bailiff: Take a seat.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Would you state your name for the record, please?

Velma Kelly: Velma Kelly.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: Ms. Kelly, would you please tell the court if the object that I am holding is the one you happened to come across in the defendant's jail cell?

Velma Kelly: Yes, it is.

Assistant District Attorney Martin Harrison: I submit this as Exhibit X - Roxie Hart's diary!

Billy Flynn: I object! My client has never held a diary! And even if she did, this would be... invasion of privacy, and violation of the fourth amendment, and... and illegal search without a warrant!

Roxie Hart: Yeah, AND she broke the lock!

Bailiff: All rise as the judge leaves.

Bailiff: I found him like this in the bathroom, your honor. Somebody beat the hell out of him!

Judge: Who did this?

Fletcher: A mad man, your honor, a desperate fool at the end of his pitiful rope.

Judge: What did he look like?

Fletcher: About 6'2", 180lbs. big teeth, kinda gangly.

Miles Massey: Your Honor, I call Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Bailiff: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy.

Guard #1: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Guard #2: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Guard #3: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Freddy Bender: Problem?

Marylin Rexroth: Puffy.

Guard #4: Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy!

Wrigley: Tenzing Norgay.

Bailiff: Mr. Krauss, do you solemnly swear that...

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: [In outrageous French accent] Krauss von Espy.

Bailiff: Mr. Krauss von Espy, do you solemnly...

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Baron Krauss von Espy.

Bailiff: [pause] ... solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give shall be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: Mais bien sur.

Bailiff: No maybes.

Heinz, the Baron Krauss von Espy: *Mais bien sur.* But of course, yes. The baron does not lie.

Doug McKenzie: [to the rough-looking convicts in their jail cell] Chimp here does the killin'. I don't like to kill. I'm the brains, eh? Like, we got over five billion dollars in our hideout, only some of the money's marked, eh, so we're not spendin' it. We's just waitin'.

Bald con: Youse guys like a smoke?

Doug McKenzie: No, eh? We want our lungs to be pink when they fry us. Hey, we told 'em we didn't want a lawyer. Chimp here probably just kill him anyway.

[scoffs]

Doug McKenzie: Lawyers are for sucks.

Bailiff: Hey, McKenzie brothers. Your lawyer is here.

[Doug and Bob run out of the cell as the convicts relize too late that they were fooled]

Judge Maxwell: You see this yellow pill?

Bailiff: Yes sir.

Judge Maxwell: You know what it's for?

Bailiff: What, Judge?

Judge Maxwell: To remind me to take this BLUE pill!

Bailiff: What's the blue one for, Judge?

Judge Maxwell: I don't know. They're afraid to tell me.

Judge Maxwell: They're a foul and depraved looking lot, bailiff.

Bailiff: Those are just the spectators, your Honor.

Judge Maxwell: Do you have any idea what it's like to sit here night after night and watch this endless parade of human debris floating by?

Bailiff: Yes sir, I have.

Judge Maxwell: Oh no you don't!

[Judge Maxwell sneezes]

Bailiff: Is Your Honor feeling alright?

Judge Maxwell: No, my honor is not feeling alright! My head is pounding, my metabolism has practically ceased to function, and my nerves are completely shot.

Bailiff: Next case: Snively vs. Framm.

Judge Cranfield: This one of your high-profile divorce cases?

Bailiff: No, sir. Custody.

Judge Cranfield: Oh, custody.

[Then sees Buddy, unchained, in his courtroom]

Judge Cranfield: Holy Toledo! What is that dog doing in the courtroom?

Bailiff: That's the uh, child, sir.

Judge Cranfield: That's a pretty ugly kid.

[Observers laughing. Courtroom attendants laughs at his remarks]

Bailiff: It's a dog.

Judge Cranfield: What?

Bailiff: The case is about custody of a dog.

Judge Cranfield: All right, I'll take it, but we have to do this seriously. I will not have my courtroom turned into some kind of a circus.

[Norman Snively walks into the courtroom, dressed as a clown, shocking Judge Cranfield]

Judge Cranfield: Who the hell are you?

Norm Snively: Mr. Norman F. Snively, Your Honor. I'm the plaintiff.

[Dog growls]

Judge Cranfield: You look like an idiot.

Norm Snively: Why, thank you, sir. See, I'm a clown by profession. Happy Slappy's the name. Clown and the Hound. Begging your humblest pardon, I thought it might be helpful to Your Honor, if I appeared here today in the guise most pertinent to the cogent and unequivocal stating of my case.

Judge Cranfield: Whatever, whatever. Y-Y-You got first, clown.

Norm Snively: Well, the fact is, Your Honor, that dog's my property, and I have papers to prove it.

Judge Cranfield: Well, would you show them to me, please?

Norm Snively: Well, actually, Your Honor, I-I had papers to prove it. But that boy - that young hooligan - because of his irresponsible and criminal activity, is responsible for what you see.

[Crowds murmuring. And Judge Cranfield bangs his gavel in order in the court]

Judge Cranfield: Order!

[Dog barking]

Norm Snively: You see, sir, when I lost my dog for the first time, it broke me up real bad. When I lost him the second, it darn near killed me. Hell's bells, Your Honor, All I wanna do is get Old Blue back. So it can be him and me together just like it always was.

Josh Framm: Why? So you can abuse him some more?

Judge Cranfield: That will be enough, young man.

[Judge Cranfield bangs his gavel. Dog barking]

Norm Snively: I raised that dog from puppy. I wouldn't harm a hair on his head!

[Crowds yelling. Judge Cranfield bangs his gavel in order in the court. Dog barking]

Judge Cranfield: Bailiff, what is that?

Bailiff: The dog, Your Honor.

Judge Cranfield: Oh.

[Crowds talking]

Judge Cranfield: Order!

[Judge Cranfield bangs his Gavel in order in the court. Dog barking]

Judge Cranfield: Quiet!

[Judge Cranfield bangs his gavel in order in the court. Dog barking]

Josh Framm: It's the gavel, sir.

Judge Cranfield: What? Speak up!

[Dog Barking. Judge Cranfield bangs his Gavel in order in the court. Dog barking]

Judge Cranfield: Bailiff!

Bailiff: You said speak.

[Dog barking]

Judge Cranfield: Speak!

[Dog barking]

Judge Cranfield: Will somebody please suppress that dog?

[Observers laughing]

Norm Snively: Shh!

Judge Cranfield: Oh, what a day. What a day.

[Judge Cranfield drinks his glass of water]

Judge Cranfield: Ugh.

[Glass thuds]

Judge Cranfield: Now then - young man, have you any evidence... that this man abused your dog? Did you ever see him hit the dog?

Josh Framm: Well... no.

Judge Cranfield: Then how did you know the dog was abused?

[light chuckle]

Josh Framm: Because Buddy doesn't like him. Buddy's my friend. I know what he's feeling, so he knows what I'm feeling. I spilled beer all over my wife.

Jackie Framm: He's telling the truth, Your Honor.

Judge Cranfield: Who's that?

Bailiff: Boy's mother.

Judge Cranfield: Oh, it's all right, you may sp - You may address the court.

Jackie Framm: When we first moved to this town, um, my son... was uh, very unhappy. And then he found Buddy here. And, um, Buddy's given him somebody to look forward to. Please, please, don't take Buddy away from my son.

Judge Cranfield: Mrs. Framm, as far as this court is concerned, the dog is property unless you have evidence...

Jackie Framm: Your Honor. All these people here did not come here because of a piece of property, Your Honor. They came here because of Buddy. He's part of this town. And he's part of the team, and he's part of our family now, Your Honor.

Norm Snively: Well, he's part of my family, too!

[Crowds booing]

Norm Snively: He's like a son to me!

[Crowds booing]

Norm Snively: Aw, shut up!

[Judge Cranfield bangs his gavel in order in the court. Dog barking. Court case of Snively vs. Framm just started and Timberwolves Coach Arthur Chaney just walked into the courtroom, unexpectedly]

Arthur Chaney: Why not let the dog choose, Your Honor? They say a dog is man's best friend. If that's the case, shouldn't the dog be able to choose who he wants to be friends with?

Judge Cranfield: Who are you, Barnum or Bailey?

Arthur Chaney: Arthur Chaney, Your Honor.

Judge Cranfield: Mr. Chaney, do you reali -

[stammers in shock]

Judge Cranfield: Arthur Chaney? New York Knicks, '56? Huh. I was at that Celtics game where you did the turnaround jumper at the buzzer. I - I spilled beer all over my wife.

[Crowds laughter]

Bailiff: Your Honor.

Judge Cranfield: What? Oh, yes, yes, yes.

[Clears his throat. Bangs Gavel. Dog Barking]

Judge Cranfield: Mr. Chaney.

Arthur Chaney: Well, I've been thinking. Uh. This dog's what, three, four years old. That makes him an adult in our years. I say let Buddy decide.

[Observers murmuring]

Judge Cranfield: Mr. Chaney, during my 40 years on the bench, I have heard a lot of lamebrain cockamanie proposals, but this one... I like.

Judge Ephriam: Bailiff, call the next case.

Bailiff: The State of Georgia versus Bobby Brown.

Judge Ephriam: What is this? Repeat offender day?

Voice of Whitney Houston: Bobby. Bobby, I love you.

Judge Ephriam: Sit down, Miss Houston.

Bailiff: Your honor, Case #456790: The People Vs. Mabel Simmons & Helen McCarter - Criminal trespassing, Reckless endangerment, Criminal possession of a handgun, Assault with a deadly weapon, Suspended license, Expired registration, Reckless driving, and a broken tailight.

Madea: [to Helen] Girl, I know it ain't who I think it is.

Judge Ephriam: [turning cross] I know you didn't say Mabel Simmons. Madea?

Madea: How you doin', uh, Judge Mablean? It's good to see - Ooh, your hair's pretty. Girl, look at you. You're lookin' good. How you been? Hey...

Judge Ephriam: [angry] You're still at it?

Madea: This ain't even my fault. See, what happened was...

Judge Ephriam: [cuts her off] Just save it! Who's here for the defense?

[Brian, Madea's nephew walks into the courtroom]

Brian: Brian Simmons, on behalf of Mrs. McCarter and Mrs. Simmons, your honor.

Judge Ephriam: Brian.

Brian: How you doing, Judge Ephriam?

Judge Ephriam: Brian, I am getting tired of seein' your aunt.

Madea: [under her breath] Getting tired of seein' you.

Bailiff: OK, Lez-beans! I caught ya! Bumpin' pussies is a violation of jail rules!

Bailiff: All Rise!

Judge Marcus: To hell with that, let's go!

Bailiff: All rise! Court is in session!

Coward: All hail our court, the most humane court in the world!

Judge: [after Ness has discovered Capone bribed the jury to acquit him] Bailiff, I want you to go next door to Judge Hawton's court, where they've just begun hearing a divorce action. I want you to bring that jury in here, and take this jury to his court. Bailiff, are those instructions clear?

Bailiff: [puzzled] Yes, sir, they're... clear...

Capone: [to his attorney] What's he talking about? What is it?

Judge: Bailiff, I want you to switch the juries.

Bailiff: Yes sir.

Defense Attorney: Your honor, I object!

Judge: Overruled.

Bailiff: [very quickly] Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Harmon: ...What?

Bailiff: Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

Judge: Well do you?

Harmon: No!

Judge: What?

Harmon: I can't understand a word he's saying!

Judge: He's asking if you'll swear...

Harmon: No, but I know all the words.

Bailiff: Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you're about to give will be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?

Leon Beecher 'Tips' Stokes: Certainly.

Kaffee: [just seconds before the trial starts] Last chance. I'll flip you for it.

Bailiff: All rise.

Capt. Ross: Too late.

Judge Randolph: [Judge Randolph reading the verdict] Lance Corporal Dawson, Private First Class Downey.

[Two defendants rises]

Judge Randolph: On the charge of murder, the members find the accused not guilty. On the charge of conspiracy to commit murder, the members find the accused not guilty. On the charge of conduct unbecoming a United States Marine, the members find the accused guilty as charged. The accused are hereby sentenced to time already served, and you are ordered to be dishonorably discharged from the Marine Corps. This court martial is adjourned.

[Bangs the gavel]

Bailiff: All rise.

[the courtroom clears; Downey is baffled and afraid, and speaks to Dawson]

Downey: What does that mean?

Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?

Kris Kringle: Yes, but don't I put my hand on a Bible?

Bailiff: No, sir, you don't.

Kris Kringle: Well, I'll put my hand on my heart instead. I do.

[last lines]

Bailiff: The judge also suggested that Dr. Segert might like to come along with the prisoner.