Woody Allen quotes:

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

It seemed the world was divided into good and bad people. The good ones slept better while the bad ones seemed to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

I don't think my parents liked me. They put a live teddy bear in my crib.

Comedy just pokes at problems, rarely confronts them squarely. Drama is like a plate of meat and potatoes, comedy is rather the dessert, a bit like meringue.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I am not afraid of death, I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in the bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

I don't believe in the after life, although I am bringing a change of underwear.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Seventy percent of success in life is showing up.

Man consists of two parts, his mind and his body, only the body has more fun.

In Beverly Hills... they don't throw their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Marriage is the death of hope.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I think being funny is not anyone's first choice.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down .

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Time is nature's way of keeping everything from happening at once.

If my films make one more person miserable, I'll feel I have done my job.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

The talent for being happy is appreciating and liking what you have, instead of what you don't have.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

I believe people ought to mate for lifelike pigeons or Catholics.

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

You always think another time would have been ideal for you . . . the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist."

Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have an entire Achilles body.

I have a great admiration for English actors and actresses and have used them at every opportunity over the years, but now I won't have to import them to New York

I don't want to move to a city where the only cultural advantage is being able to make a right turn on a red light.

The chief problem about death ... is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who bothered to shave. Also, there is the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held. On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily laying down.

Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.

The great question of philosophy remains: If life is meaningless, what can be done about alphabet soup?

I never have an alter ego in the movies. That's a fiction that the press has made up over the years, and it's fun to write that. It gives them something to write.

I didn't go to Paris until I was a grown-up in 1965. And when I went to Paris, it was the Paris I knew only from American movies.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

People make films for different reasons. For money. Or, they make them because something in them demands artistic expression. I do it because I enjoy the work.

Interestingly, according to modern astronomers, space is finite. This is a very comforting thought-particularly for people who can never remember where they have left things.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

For the first year of marriage I had basically a bad attitude. I tended to place my wife underneath a pedestal.

I always write the same way. I always write with a yellow pad and a ballpoint pen on my bed. And then I go and type it up afterwards. I've always done that. Those things become habitual.

I'm a terrible musician. While the band members are great, I'm tolerated and affectionately regarded because I do movies, but if I had to make my living as a musician I would starve. I'm like a Sunday tennis player.

Believing would be easier if God would show himself by depositing a million dollars in a Swiss bank account in my name

His lack of education is more than compensated for by his keenly developed moral bankruptcy.

I think universal harmony is a pipedream and it may be more productive to focus on more modest goals, like a ban on yodeling.

As the poet said, 'Only God can make a tree,' probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.

I never knew what Amazon was. I've never seen any of those series, even on cable. I've never seen The Sopranos, or Mad Men. I'm out every night and when I come home, I watch the end of the baseball or basketball game, and there's Charlie Rose and I go to sleep.

A "Bay Area Bisexual" told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

The most important words in the English language are not 'I love you' but 'it's benign.'

My wife and I thought we were in love, but it turned out to be benign

Me sitting down for dinner with Ingmar Bergman felt like a house painter sitting down with Picasso.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind -- a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

Some of the best memories of my childhood that I have are the times that I played hooky from school so I could spend my days in the public library reading all the wonderful books at my disposal.

To me nature is... spiders and bugs, and big fish eating little fish, and plants eating plans, and animals eating... It's like an enormous restaurant, that's the way I see it.

I'm really impotent against the overwhelming bleakness of the universe and the only thing I can do is my little gift [filmmaking] and do it the best I can, which is cold comfort.

I feel that life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. That's the two categories. The horrible are like, I don't know, terminal cases, you know, and blind people, crippled. I don't know how they get through life. It's amazing to me. And the miserable is everyone else. So you should be thankful that you're miserable, because that's very lucky, to be miserable.

Early in life, I was visited by the bluebird of anxiety

I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille. I used to rub the dirty parts.

With films, I just scribble a couple of notes for a scene. You don't have to do any writing at all, you just have your notes for the scene, which are written with the actors and the camera in mind. The actual script is a necessity for casting and budgeting, but the end product often doesn't bear much resemblance to the script--at least in my case.

My grandfather had a wonderful funeral... On the buffet table there was a replica of the deceased in potato salad.

I know of only six genuine comic geniuses in movie history; Charlie Chaplin, Buster Keaton, Groucho Marx & Harpo Marx, Peter Sellers, and W.C. Fields.

I can't with any conscience argue for New York with anyone. It's like Calcutta. But I love the city in an emotional, irrational way, like loving your mother or your father even though they're a drunk or a thief. I've loved the city my whole life - to me, it's like a great woman.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won't get much sleep.

I don't believe in competition for artistic things. I just like the atmosphere of the Cannes festival. I don't want to win anything or lose anything.

Capital punishment would be more effective as a preventive measure if it were administered prior to the crime.

She wore a short skirt and a tight sweater and her figure described a set of parabolas that could cause cardiac arrest in a yak.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Taste my tuna casserole - tell me if I put in too much hot fudge.

When I get up in the morning, I go and I work with beautiful women and charming men and funny comedians and dramatic artists. And I'm presented with costumes and great music to choose from and sets. I travel a certain amount of places, so I've been living in a bubble. And I like it.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

There are three things Jewish people worship-God, Chinese food and wall-to-wall carpeting.

You make a film and always hope you're going make "Citizen Kane" or "The Bicycle Thief." You make the film, and for one reason or another, one clicks and one doesn't, but it's out of your control completely.

I'm a creature of the New York City streets.

Sylvia Plath. Interesting poetess whose tragic suicide was misinterpreted as romantic by the college-girl mentality.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

A fast word about oral contraception. I was involved in an extremely good example of oral contraception two weeks ago. I asked a girl to go to bed with me, she said 'no'.

My grammy never gave gifts, you know. She was too busy getting raped by Cossacks.

I have one last request. Don't use embalming fluid on me; I want to be stuffed with crab meat.

What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

My parents were very Old World. They come from Brooklyn, which is the heart of the Old World. Their values in life are God and carpeting.

I foresee death by culture shock.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

We knew the front door was always left open, but we broke in just to keep in practice. Doxy turned all the Washburn family photos to the wall so there wouldn't be any witnesses.

There are drawbacks in being famous too, but you can live with those. They're not life-threatening. If the paparazzi are outside your restaurant or your house - and actors make such a big thing of it and scurry into cars and drape things - you think they're going to be crucified or something. It's not a big deal. You can get used to that. It's not so terrible.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

People are always talking about the dumbing down of the country.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I was a nervous child, I was a bedwetter. I used to sleep with an electric blanket and I was constantly electrocuting myself.

There are three rings involved with marriage. The engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.

One filmmaker makes films that are deep, intellectual, profound and confrontational. And the other one makes purely vacuous, escapist films. I'm not sure the one who makes escapist films is making a poorer contribution than the one who makes the deeper films.

If I had my choice in life I would have had the gifts of Tennessee Williams or Eugene O'Neill. Unfortunately my gifts lie in comedy and so comedy comes fairly easy to me and I occasionally have an idea for a very serious piece and I do it, but the ideas don't come that readily to me.

A wife lasts only for the length of the marriage, but an ex-wife is there for the rest of your life.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I can't express anger. I grow a tumor instead.

I'm in show business. I'm not like a poor factory worker who'd been laid off.

If you're not failing, you're not trying anything.

I believe that sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic.

I have a hyper-active imagination, my mind tends to jump around a little, and I have some trouble between fantasy and reality.

All literature is a footnote to Faust. I have no idea what I mean by that.