Wilson Mizner quotes:

If you count all your assets you always show a profit.

Popularity is exhausting. The life of the party almost always winds up in a corner with an overcoat over him.

Be nice to people on your way up because you'll meet them on your way down.

Hollywood is a sewer with service from the Ritz Carlton.

In the battle of existence, Talent is the punch; Tact is the clever footwork.

There is something about a closet that makes a skeleton terribly restless.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gives you an education.

The best way to keep your friends is not to give them away.

To profit from good advice requires more wisdom than to give it.

A good listener is not only popular everywhere, but after a while, he knows something.

Most hard-boiled people are half-baked.

The first hundred years are the hardest.

A drama critic is a person who surprises the playwright by informing him what he meant.

The most efficient water power in the world - women's tears.

The cuckoo who is on to himself is halfway out of the clock.

Florida was invented for Addison Mizner's little brother.

If you steal from one author it's plagiarism; if you steal from many it's research.

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

The difference between chirping out of turn and a faux pas depends on what kind of a bar you're in.

Easy street is a blind alley.

To my embarrassment I was born in bed with a lady.

A good party is where you enjoy good people, and they taste even better with Champagne.

What feeling is so nice as a child's hand in yours? So small, so soft and warm, like a kitten huddling in the shelter of your clasp.

Don't talk about yourself; it will be done when you leave.

It is not in life, but in art that self-fulfillment is to be found.

The amount of sleep required by the average person is five minutes more.

I hate careless flattery, the kind that exhausts you in your efforts to believe it.

The gent who wakes up and finds himself a success hasn't been asleep.

God help those who do not help themselves.

The worst-tempered people I've ever met were people who knew they were wrong.

Don't talk about yourself it will be done when you leave

The only bird that gives the poor a real tumble is the stork.

The only time that most women give their orating husbands undivided attention is when the old boys mumble in their sleep.

I've had ample contact with lawyers, and I'm convinced that the only fortune they ever leave is their own.

Do not be desirous of having things done quickly. Do not look at small advantages. Desire to have things done quickly prevents their being done thoroughly. Looking at small advantages prevents great affairs from being accomplished.

I know of no sentence that can induce such immediate and brazen lying as the one that begins, 'Have you read - .'

All anger is not sinful, because some degree of it, and on some occasions, is inevitable. But it becomes sinful and contradicts the rule of Scripture when it is conceived upon slight and inadequate provocation, and when it continues long.

You sparkle with larceny.

A fellow who is always declaring he's no fool usually has his suspicions.

Those who welcome death have only tried it from the ears up.

A fellow who is always declaring that he's no fool, usually has his suspicions.

A slave has but one master. An ambition man, has as many as there are people who helped him get his fortune.

Anybody who can write home for money can write for magazines.

Count 10 over him - he'll get up

Failure has gone to his head.

Faith is a wonderful thing, but doubt gets you an education.

Gambling: A sure way to get nothing from something.

He's a trellis for varicose veins.

He's the only man I ever knew who had rubber pockets so he could steal soup.

I can usually judge a fellow by what he laughs at.

I had never considered marriage, but I had an open mind, and I was to learn after a brief try at it that most open minds should be closed for repairs.

I never saw a mob rush across town to do a good deed.

I respect faith, but doubt is what gets you an education.

I want a priest, a rabbi and a Protestant minister. I want to hedge my bets.

I'd rather know a square guy than own a square mile.

It is criminal negligence to leave suckers lying around to tempt honest men.

It's getting so people no longer count the silverware when I come to dinner.

I've known countless people who were reservoirs of learning, yet never had a thought.

I've spent several years in Hollywood, and I still think the movie heroes are in the audience.

Money is the only substance which can keep a cold world from nicknaming a citizen Hey, you

Over in Hollywood they almost made a great picture, but they caught it in time.

Some of the greatest love affairs I've known have involved one actor-unassisted.

The day which we fear as our last is but the bday of eternity. - By SenecaThe first hundred years are the hardest.

The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book.

The most pitiful human ailment is a birdseed heart.

There's nothing so comfortable as a small bankroll. A big one is always in danger.

Women can instantly see through each other, and it's surprising how little they observe that's pleasant.

You're a mouse studying to be a rat.