Victor Borge quotes:

Santa Claus has the right idea - visit people only once a year.

I don't mind going back to daylight saving time. With inflation, the hour will be the only thing I've saved all year.

And now, in honour of the 150th anniversary of Beethoven's death, I would like to play 'Clear the Saloon', er, 'Clair de Lune', by Debussy. I don't play Beethoven so well, but I play Debussy very badly, and Beethoven would have liked that.

The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.

(Shortly after Germany forced Denmark to sign a non-aggression pact in 1939) How nice. Now the Germans can sleep in peace, knowing that they will not be invaded by us.

Mendelssohn never wrote any Water Music. However, he wrote the Scotch Symphony, which is even better, or at least stronger.

You may not be aware of this but Leonard Bernstein won another award, for explaining the music of Igor Stravinsky... to Igor Stravinsky!

(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?

Laughter is the closest distance between two people.

If I have caused just one person to wipe away a tear of laughter, that's my reward.

My father invented a cure for which there was no disease and unfortunately my mother caught it and died of it.

The oboe sounds like a clarinet with a cold.

They say that Nero started the fire himself because he needed a suitable backdrop for his concert.

When an opera star sings her head off, she usually improves her appearance.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible... and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

Humor is something that thrives between man's aspirations and his limitations. There is more logic in humor than in anything else. Because, you see, humor is truth.

Clarinets, like lawyers, have cases, mouthpieces, and they need a constant supply of hot air in order to function.

He was happily married - but his wife wasn't.

(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?

A Smile is a curve which can set a lot of things straight.

Beethoven wrote in three flats a lot. That's because he moved twice.

Did you know that Mozart had no arms and no legs? I've seen statues of him on people's pianos.

Flint must be an extremely wealthy town: I see that each of you bought two or three seats.

I know [canned music] makes chickens lay more eggs and factory workers produce more. But how much more can they get out of you on an elevator?

One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.

Many people have asked me why there are three pedals in these grand pianos. Well the pedal in the middle is there to separate the two other pedals.

I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.

The shortest distance between two people is a smile.

...the elephant smoked too much.

Always remember to forget the things that made you sad, but never forget to remember the things that made you glad.

I do not have a single white note on my piano; my elephant smoked too much.

I don't mind growing old. I'm just not used to it.

I learned to play the piano on my mother's knee - that was before we got a piano.

I only know two pieces; one is 'Clair de Lune' and the other one isn't.

I wish to thank my parents for making it all possible? and I wish to thank my children for making it necessary.

In my dreams of Heaven, I always see the great Masters gathered in a huge hall in which they all reside. Only Mozart has his own suite.

In my youth, I wanted to be a great pantomimist -- but I found I had nothing to say.

It (the double-clarinet in India) was primarily used for snake charming, since the snake would do almost anything to get the Indians to stop playing it.

Occasionally, a finger comes up to wipe a tear [of laughter] from the eye... and that's my reward... the rest goes to the government.

Read (this book), smile, enjoy, and if you happen to learn something along the way, don't get upset.

That's why I've never thought of retiring because I do it all the time whether on the stage or off. I found that in a precarious situation, a smile is the shortest distance between people. When one needs to reach out for sympathy or a link with people, what better way is there?

The conductor is a peculiar person. He turns his back on his friends in the audience, shakes a stick at his players in the orchestra, and then wonders why nobody loves him.

The elephant smoked too much.(explaining why the keys of his piano were so yellow)

The essence of a general's job is to assist in developing a clear sense of purpose . to keep the junk from getting in the way of important things.

The first piano was built long after they didn't have any at all.

There are three Bachs. Johann, Sebastian and Offen.

There is a bit of Hans Christian Andersen in every Dane.

Well, all's fair in love, war and fooling the critics.

What is the difference between a Nazi and a dog?The Nazi lifts his arm.

What soap is to the body, laughter is to the soul. Laughter is the shortest distance between two people.

When an opera star sings her head off? she usually improves her appearance.

When I was a little boy and played Liebestraum, my father used to hit me on the head with a newspaper every time I slopped the cadenza . . . I hate Liebestraum.

You want something by Bach? Which one, Johann Sebastian or Jacques Offen?