Tucker Max quotes:

Books are so cheap and easy to get that people don't bother stealing them, which is the essential rule of piracy that the music business learned much too late.

No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

When I give speeches at college, I don't tell stories, I talk about what it is to live your dreams and take the path less traveled.

To my friends and people I care about, I'm a really nice guy. No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that's not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.

The general intellectual level of South Florida is somewhere just above "functionally retarded".

Whatever your favorite food is, if you eat it every day for a month, you're going to get sick of it.

Having a soft major is nowhere near the career death sentence that so many make it out to be. The world is changing, and the U.S. economy with it. Our economy is shifting to a service- and information-based economy, and soft majors are already becoming more and more valuable.

My parents got divorced when I was around a year old. My dad was essentially a nonentity in my life until I got to be about 16 or so. My mom was a flight attendant for PanAm, so I moved all over the world. London, Rio de Janeiro.

If you like to argue just for the sake of being contentious, you shouldn't pick a job based on this unresolved emotional issue of yours, you should get counseling for it.

I want someone who is my partner in life. Who supports me, and I support her. I can share all my experiences in life with her, and she can share hers back with me. Not only do we love each other, but we accept, embrace, nurture, and care for each other.

General reader feedback is usually pretty worthless. 99% of people give feedback that is irrelevant, stupid, or just flat out wrong. But that 1% of people who give good feedback are invaluable.

I think 20th century media were about tricking people - and the beauty of the Internet is you can't lie anymore.

I've come to learn that what really matters is the relationship, the quality of the relationship.

Calling one thing 'literature' and another 'fiction' is a way to create status where there is none.

Think about it: If you don't have any actual, tangible skills, then how can you do anything? You may be laughing and nodding, but do you realize how few people, when asked the basic question, 'What can you do?' stumble on the answer and have nothing to say? Most people.

... the devil doesn't come dressed in a red cape and pointy horns. He comes as everything you've ever wished for ...

I try to explain to people that the only way to be cool is to be who you truly are, and the only way to live life is to do the things that you want to do and be the person that you want to be no matter who that is or what that is or how you have to do it. That's the only way you can be genuinely happy.

When your buddy tells you a movie is good, that's worth 2,000 commercials.

Anything that reflects the human condition back on humans in the entertainment medium is art.

Unless you plan on making academia your life, all you need to know about postmodernism is that its premises are fundamentally wrong.

It [eBook] is like introducing the machine gun to a revolutionary war. It changes everything. If you can reach your fans directly without having to go through a middle man, the entire economics of the publishing business changes.

There are fun nights, there are crazy nights, and then there are those nights that make men legends.

My writing is authentic, and whatever happens in my life is what I write about.

I think that there's a lot of guys out there that want to read the equivalent of chick lit, but really there's not being much written for them.

If people try to judge you or shame you for doing safe, consensual things that make you happy, I can guarantee you they're bad people.

Guys, we spend our whole lives trying to get pussy, so when pussy comes to us, it's like, "Whoa, this is amazing!" At 27, I thought nothing could be better than that, but at 35, I've come to understand the darker side of it.

The result of my hard work is that I'm financially independent, I have an amazing life, and I can do whatever I want. I don't have to answer to anybody.

Getting offended is a great way to avoid answering questions that make you sound dumb.

Two girls called me closed minded. I tell them that they are so open-minded their brains leaked out.

There is always more demand for great content then there will be great content to satisfy it.

You show me a truly funny girl who doesn't have emotional issues, and I'll introduce you to my stable of unicorn thoroughbreds ridden by leprechaun jockeys.

The haters always scream the loudest.

Tucker: You guys going to Milwaukee? Guy: Yes sir, heading home after a vacation. Tucker: Did you know there are midgets in Milwaukee? [The man and his wife are silent and confused.] Tucker: HUNDREDS OF THEM!

I love women, I love alcohol, and I love combining the two. If God invented anything better than drunk sex with a hot girl, he kept it to himself.

I was stupid when I was 17 or 18. My thought process was that I thought that I was legitimately a hyper-genius, and so I wanted to go to the hardest academic school I could to see if I was really as smart as I thought I was.

I masterbate in the shower. My action figures judge me. Especially the Justice League.

My buddies and I, we all went to law school together, and once we started working in different cities, we all did crazy stuff, and we'd write e-mails to each other about the stuff we would do. And my friends thought my e-mails were really funny and they said, "Dude, why don't you put this up on a Web site. You know people would love to read this."

I'm sorry, but I stand by my decision. I am now a member of the elite club of people that have fought a professional team mascot. You sir, are not in that club.

One big lesson I learned from movie [making] was I don't do creative projects that I headline unless I have all the control. I can't deal with having to live with other people's screw ups, and that's just sort of the way the movie business works. The people with the money are in charge. Until I'm in charge, I don't want to play that game.

No one has probably helped me more with my narcissism than my dog.

The idea that guys should walk into a bar and confidently initiate contact and then seduce a woman based on a short term conversation is a toxic cultural myth that robs guys of self-confidence and that holds them up to an unrealistic standard that they have to become a super-extraverted narcissist in order to 'score with women'

People have proven over and over that they will read if they are given something they like. The problem with reading is not reading, its that almost everything out there sucks. For so long, publishing has been run by a cartel of snobby pseudo-intellectual failed writers, and the resulting output has reflected not what the market wants, but what they think people are supposed to read.

I find it truly appalling that there are people in the world like you. You are a disgusting, vile, repulsive, repugnant, foul creature. Because of you, I don't believe in God anymore. No just God would allow someone like you to exist. (Quoting feedback from a reader)

Before you're famous it's stuff that seems like it'd be really cool, but once you get it, you realize it's not bad, but it's kind of hollow and meaningless.

You play crotch roulette, you're gonna hit double zero once in a while.

Leave it up to hipster nerds to pretend to hate something that they actually want

Publishing companies are like schoolyard bullies that can't even fight well.

It is hard for me to be vulnerable, because I never learned how to do that. I was never vulnerable in a safe way.

No one has it all figured out, especially not the people who are acting like they do and judging you because of it. Pretending to be something you aren't because you're trying to please a bunch of judgmental hypocrites and shitheads is not the way to be happy. Living the life you want to live is. It really is that simple.

I am Shiva, Destroyer of Worlds.

Tell beautiful women they are smart, and smart women they are beautiful.

Helping reproductive services doesn't just help women in isolation. It helps men just as much.

The point of psychoanalysis is to really understand the roots of your behavior. Understand why you are doing the things you're doing - and connect your unconscious to your conscious.

I'm not West Coast at all. I was born in Atlanta, but I grew up in Kentucky, outside of Lexington, in Winchester.

I'm a human. Every human is flawed. I might be flawed in different ways than some people, or worse ways than some people, or better ways than some people.

You know, even big-time academics kind of have groupies. Anyone with any sort of fame. So, like, in your micro-world, or in your niche, you're kind of like a celebrity.

Usually, whatever people's particular political leaning is, they either think I'm just like them or the opposite.

Make no mistake about it: Law school is not a bastion of intellectual discourse.

I don't want to compare myself to Picasso, but he had four or five periods in his life. Any good artist grows and changes and matures.

The narcissist act is not an act. I actually am a narcissist, very much so. My world revolves around me.

I started my blog in 2002. That was pre-MySpace, pre-Facebook. That was back before newspapers realized they were going out of business. That was back when no one gave any credence to Internet writers.

I've never really had a media edifice supporting me.

Most of my success, I feel, comes from being a good editor as opposed to a great writer.

A personal brand is relevant to people who sell or create something relevant to who they are as a person. If you're not in that boat, which most people are not, personal branding makes no sense.

Obviously, I love Japanese food. My favorite TV show of all time, without exception, is 'Iron Chef.' Not the stupid American version; 'Iron Chef' Japanese; the real one, the one that was on in Japan... my DVR for years was set to record almost every single 'Iron Chef' episode.

I'm a decent-looking guy, but I've never walked into a room and got a girl because of how I looked. Look, I'm never excluded because of my looks. I just don't stand out.

If your parents ignored you, or if they are just not emotionally available, or if they yell a lot, that is a type of trauma.

Frankly, I'd rather make a little bit less money if it means living in a better world for books and publishing in the future.

The Big Five publishing companies are dinosaurs trying to survive in a post-meteor world. They won't.

9:00: I don't know what I want. I just point at the Dollar Menu and say, 'Give me all of that.

A lot of people think that since I'm drunk in my stories, I must be drunk 24 hours a day. What kind of stupid logic is that? It'd be like if you saw Michael Jordan at a restaurant and were like, "Why aren't you in your basketball uniform?" I leave out way more than I put in.

and that we were now those guys...who started a fight at a Harry Potter book party.

As a general rule, whenever guys have problems approaching girls, it's because they're afraid of rejection or they're afraid of something specific. The way that you get over a fear like that is you figure out what the worst is that can happen.

At some point in their life, everyone thinks they should go to law school. You may in fact think you want to go to law school now.

Before I was famous, I already was the person that attracted and dealt with a lot of weirdos.

But here's the thing about being honest: All the liars HATE you for it, and most of the people in the world are liars. They lie to their bosses, they lie to their families, they lie to themselves, they lie so much they don't even know they're lying anymore. If you have the courage to be honest even a little bit all those people will hate you for it, because their lie is reflected in your honesty. Oscar Wilde wasn't kidding when he said, "If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they'll kill you."

Communication is not what we say, but what you hear (which is a lesson I wish our educational system understood)

Corporate tweets are like one robot talking to another.

Critics stopped being relevant when they stopped writing to inform and contextualize, and when they started writing to signal who they are, to display their identity by their stance on what they are writing about. Criticism should never be about the critic, but thats what it has become, and that's why no one cares about them anymore.

Due to the potent combination of my sexual recklessness and the slutty nature of some of the girls I have slept with, I have accumulated enough stories and anecdotes about abortion that they could name a Planned Parenthood clinic after me.

Even if I was a Republican, George Bush would have pushed me out of that party.

Failure either ruins you, or turns you into the man you can become.

Failure instructs, failure improves. Failure shouldn't deter you.

Fat girls aren't real people.

Gotta love alcohol and sex hormones.

Great careers are getting easier to find and audition for, but harder to keep.

Halloween revolves around delicious candy, excessive alcohol, and horny women dressed as sluts. This also describes my vision of Heaven.

Hey man, so can you speak to dolphins and pilot whales with that forehead of yours?

Hi. I haven't insulted you yet, have I?

Hollywood, it's just like high school. Whoever is pretty and popular, everyone wants to be with.

I could never kill myself. What if it doesn't work. Then I'll have failed at the only thing that could save me from my failures. Where do you go from there?

I hated being a lawyer and I wanted to like myself and like my job.

I have tons of fans in Canada. I've sold hundreds of thousands of books there.

I laugh at people who say things like 'I'm a good person, I just do bad things.' No, that's not how it works. What you do IS who you are.

I never felt pressured to create more stories, but dealing with people became really aggravating.

I never understand why women think drama and bullshit are attractive to guys. They're not. I'm going to be real clear about this, ladies, so pay attention: Prince Charming doesn't come to rescue cunty lunatics.

I sold a million books because I have a lot of fans, not because people hate me.

I started writing because it was about making my friends laugh, and when you're talking to your friends, you can't bullshit.

I stop paying attention because as much as I love beauty, I hate stupidity, and seeing the two combined pisses me off.

I take a lull from my CamelBak and choke at its potency. It tastes like bad decisions. It's perfect.

I tell the truth, and truth is the ultimate defense against libel.

I was not developmentally disabled, but didn't mature at the same rate other kids did.

I will never understand why people get so upset at things I don't even remember saying.

I've heard 14 year old meth addicted thai prostitutes say more prescient things than the woman that was supposedly a "professor

If you don't have a job right now, and you have a computer and a basic intelligence level, I guarantee you can get a great job, paying really well, in less than three months. How? Learn to program.

If you just don't have any idea what you want to do, the worst thing you can do is go to law school. If you can go to college, maybe it's fine to have four years of fun and learn a little bit, that's okay, but if you have to go two hundred thousand dollars in debt, that's not something I would recommend.

If you make comedy, if you try and make comedy where no one gets upset or offended, you're going to fail.

If you read the book, you're not a journalist. You're some impostor! No journalist actually does any work.

If you want to be seen as courageous by some and hated by others, just say what you really think.

I'm never going to be Tolstoy.

I'm not even the coolest one of my friends. I'm just the guy who sat down and wrote everything down. Like I know plenty of people who do crazier stuff than I do.

I'm not some movie star relying on a studio. I have my own fans and I earned them.

In training, there is no winning or losing. There is only learning.

It used to be that companies with industrial economies of scale created business success. Now, success will come from the information economies of scale, either the ones with complete breadth, or complete depth.

Ladies, you may not realize this, understand this, or even believe this, but everything else we do is ultimately for you. Men don't do anything-create art, build businesses, donate to charity, invent things, or do anything noteworthy-for any reason other than to impress women, and thus get them to have sex with us. If women didn't exist, we'd still just be naked grunting apes living in caves. In a very real way, pussy is the key to human civilization. You don't have to like it, but it's a fact; if you understand it, you understand men.

Listen to authority figures because of their position, but only believe them if they can explain why.

Look at the scope of writers who sell stuff. I'm at the very top of the power curve in terms of sales.

Men will treat you the way you let them. There is no such thing as 'deserving' respect; you get what you demand from people.

Most people's lives are nothing more than pointlessly frantic activity used as a psychological defense against their own impotence and fear.