Spike Milligan quotes:

And God said, 'Let there be light' and there was light, but the Electricity Board said He would have to wait until Thursday to be connected.

How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven.

For ten years Caesar ruled with an iron hand. Then with a wooden foot, and finally with a piece of string.

In India a farmhand was caught in the act with his cow. He said he had bad eyesight and thought it was his wife.

I have the body of an eighteen year old. I keep it in the fridge.

All I ask is the chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

Money can't buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.

I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.

I shook hands with a friendly Arab. I still have my right arm to prove it.

Is there anything worn under the kilt? No, it's all in perfect working order.

Chopsticks are one of the reasons the Chinese never invented custard.

Australia, Australia, we love you from the heart. The kidneys, the liver & the giblets too. And every other part.

Said Hamlet to Ophelia, I'll draw a sketch of thee. What kind of pencil shall I use? 2B or not 2B?

Professor Milligan will now play his tree! The composition is in A Minor, the tree is in A garden.

I'm Irish. We think sideways

The most difficult book I have ever read was a manual on the use of iron bangles by A.J. Thompson.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, get it out with Optrex.

I can speak Esperanto like a native.

A man once asked to shake hands with me, the "greatest Englishman who ever lived." I replied, "F**k off, I'm Irish.

Money couldn't buy friends, but you got a better class of enemy.

I'm a hero with coward's legs.

Education isn't everything, for a start it isn't an elephant

My Father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic.

A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree.

If a robin redbreast in a cage Puts all heaven in a rage, How feels heaven when Dies the billionth battery hen?

Only on the third class tourist class passengers' deck was it a sultry overcast morning, but then if you do things on the cheap you must expect these things.

It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't.

It's all in the mind, you know.

I'm not afraid of dying I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.

A bird in The Strand is worth two in Shepherds Bush

A lot of learning canbe a little thing.

Any man can be 62, but it takes a bus to be 62A

Archduke Franz Ferdinand Found Alive! First World War a Mistake!

Are you going to come quietly, or do I have to use earplugs?

Aristocrats have heirs, the poor have children, and the rest keep dogs.

Blessed are the cracked, for they let in the light

General: Where are you from? Spike: London. General: Which part? Spike: ... Well, all of me.

God made nightButMan made darkness.

Her mother was a cultivated woman - she was born in a greenhouse

I cannot stand being awake, the pain is too much.

I have got so low that I have asked to be hospitalized and for deep narcosis (sleep). I cannot stand being awake. The pain is too much... Something has happened to me, this vital spark has stopped burning - I go to a dinner table now and I don't say a word, just sit there like a dodo. Normally I am the centre of attention, keeps the conversation going, - so that is depressing in itself. It's like another person taking over, very strange. The most important thing I say is 'good evening' and then I go quiet.

I spent many years laughing at Harry Secombe's singing until somebody told me that it wasn't a joke.

I told you I was ill. (On his headstone)

I told you I was sick.

If a man dies when you hang him, keep hanging him until he gets used to it.

If I don't eat soon, I'll die of hunger; and if I die, I won't eat soon.

If you kill me, I promise you - you will never take me alive.

I'm a hero wid coward's legs, I'm a hero from the waist up.

In the human race today, you came last.

It was a perfect marrige. She didn`t want to and he couldn`t

Its all in the mind, you know.

Life is a long agonized illness only curable by death.

Listen, someone's screaming in agony- fortunately I speak it fluently

Many people die of thirst but the Irish are born with one.

Money can't buy friends, but you can get a better class of enemy.

My father confused me. From the ages of one to seven, I thought my name was Jesus Christ!

My father was my greatest inspiration. He was a lunatic.

Never return to a doctor whose office plants have died. After five days in hospital, I took a turn for the nurse.

On the Ning Nang Nong Where the Cows go Bong! And the Monkeys all say Boo! Theres a Nang Nong Ning Where the trees go Ping! And the tea pots Jibber Jabber Joo On the Nong Ning Nang All the Mice go Clang! And you just cant catch em when they do! So its Ning Nang Nong! Cows go Bong! Nong Nang Ning! Trees go Ping! Nong Ning Nang! The mice go Clang! What a noisy place to belong,Is the Ning Nang Ning Nang Nong!

One day the "Don't Knows" will get in and then where will we be?

Policemen are numbered in case they get lost.

Render any politician down and there's enough fat to fry an egg.

There are holes in the sky Where the rain gets in, But they're ever so small That's why rain is thin.

There is a time to live, a time to die, a time to laugh, and at no time are the three of them very far apart.

This silent call you make, A silence so loud I fear the world knows it's meaning If you fill every corner of a room Where can I look? If I close my eyes the silence becomes louder! There is no escape from you The only way out is in

To Harry Secombe: I hope you die first as I don't want you singing at my funeral.

We don't have anything planned, so nothing can go wrong.

We haven't got a plan so nothing can go wrong!

We were making love in the back of a truck and we got carried away.

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all the people some of the time, which is just long enough to be president of the United States.