Simon Munnery quotes:

I remember when I posed as a customs officer so that I could meet Oscar Wilde. I said to him "Have you anything to declare?" He said "I have nothing to declare but my genius." I said "I'll put that down as nothing then shall I?" For I am the wittiest man on Earth.

I've got nothing against any individual American, except that there aren't any. They're always Irish-American, African-American... There's never an American-American you can blame.

Life is like a musical by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Very popular and not as bad as some would have you believe. That is, unspeakably awful but mercifully brief.

Many are willing to suffer for their art. Few are willing to learn to draw.

He who disagrees with me in private, call him a fool. He who disagrees with me in public, call him an ambulance.

All men are brothers. Hence war.

Although no man is an island, you can make quite an effective raft out of six.

Like many supermodels, I won't get out of bed for less than £3000. Unlike many supermodels, I don't get out of bed very often.

The truly beautiful are often abused for apparent ugliness just as those with great vision often bump into things.

What do you get the man who has everything? Might I suggest a gravestone inscribed with the words: so what?

Fish deserve to be caught for they are lazy. Two million years of evolution and they still haven't got out of the water.

I don't worry about losing my looks. It's finding them on someone else that worries me.

I wear glasses myself. As an affectation, as a badge of high intellect and to see with.

If you only ever read one book in your life ... I highly recommend you keep your mouth shut

It is the vanity of women to spend hours in front of the mirror. It is the vanity of men not to bother.

Like bees around honey. Why are bees so attracted to honey, since they make it? It can only be vanity.

When you look in the mirror and despair and none of your clothes seem appropriate, relax, put the kettle on. It might suit you.