Scott Adams quotes:

+1
Share
Pin
Like
Send
Share
  • Informed decision-making comes from a long tradition of guessing and then blaming others for inadequate results.

  • If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?

  • Creativity is allowing yourself to make mistakes. Art is knowing which ones to keep.

  • Remember there's no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.

  • I burned out my drawing hand by using it too much. The common word for it is writer's cramp. The fancy words for it are focal dystonia. The symptom in my case was a pinky finger that went spastic when I tried to draw.

  • The best things in life are silly.

  • You don't argue with a four-year old about why he shouldn't eat candy for dinner. You don't punch a mentally handicapped guy even if he punches you first. And you don't argue when a women tells you she's only making 80 cents to your dollar. It's the path of least resistance. You save your energy for more important battles.

  • When you hire that first person, then you're a boss. You've got performance reviews. You've got complaints about not making enough money. You've got people who are just going to sell your story to the tabloids.

  • In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.

  • I'm not happy on vacation. In those rare times when I have three hours with no work I have to do, I'm terribly uncomfortable.

  • Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

  • My old life - no amount of getting used to it would have made it right.

  • Dilbert' became popular during the downsizing of the '90s, and job security was a major theme of the strip.

  • Most success springs from an obstacle or failure. I became a cartoonist largely because I failed in my goal of becoming a successful executive.

  • We must develop knowledge optimization initiatives to leverage our key learnings.

  • One way to compensate for a tiny brain is to pretend to be dead.

  • Women are treated differently by society for exactly the same reason that children and the mentally handicapped are treated differently.

  • Technology will definitely solve all our problems, but in the process it will create brand new ones. But that's O.K. because the most you can expect from life is to get to solve better and better problems.

  • I'm predicting that we'll finally have a computer will search my e-mail automatically and delete every message that begins with 'thought you'd be interested,' and then give an electrical shock to the sender to remind him or her to stop send that kind of message.

  • One of the reasons why you like to do your own drawings is, your style changes over time. And there's something about that that keeps it fresh to the viewer.

  • I try to avoid giving advice.

  • In fact, most people are being squeezed in their little cubicle, and their creativity is forced out elsewhere, because the company can't use it. The company is organized to get rid of variants.

  • It doesn't take many people to have a bad sense of humor to get in trouble at a corporation.

  • There's kind of a toll you have to pay with a cat; if you don't pet her for 10 minutes she'll bother you for six hours.

  • The only risk of failure is promotion.

  • I have a perverse attraction to risk. Not physical risk but emotional, financial risk - anything than can't kill you immediately.

  • Obviously there's not much options when you're a cartoonist - you pretty much either work at home or rent an office I guess, and working at home just seems easier.

  • When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

  • Work is like the rest of life. The best parts are free.

  • The computer cuts my production time in half. I love it.

  • The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th.

  • People who do affirmations will have the sensation thatthey are causing the environment to conform to their will.This is an immensely enjoyable feeling because the illusionof control is one of the best illusions you can have.

  • As long as there are annoying people in the world, I won't run out of material.

  • Continuing to believe the same thing, even in the face of new evidence to the contrary, is the definition of insanity - except in politics where it's called leadership.

  • There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.

  • You don't have to be a 'person of influence' to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

  • If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

  • Your best work involves timing. If someone wrote the best hip hop song of all time in the Middle Ages, he had bad timing.

  • I believe everybody in the world should have guns. Citizens should have bazookas and rocket launchers too. I believe that all citizens should have their weapons of choice. However, I also believe that only I should have the ammunition. Because frankly, I wouldn't trust the rest of the goobers with anything more dangerous than string.

  • He changed more times than a baby in a beer-drinking contest.

  • One of the great things about being ignorant is that I often think my ideas are original. It's a wonderful feeling. That's why I try to avoid any knowledge that would spoil the sensation. Sometimes it isn't easy. People keep hurling knowledge at me, and I can't always duck.

  • Good advertising can make people buy your product even if it sucks ... A dollar spent on brainwashing is more cost-effective than a dollar spent on product improvement.

  • Normal people... believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

  • Dogbert gazing at night sky No matter how bad the day is, the stars are always there. Dilbert Actually, many of them burned out years ago, but their light is just now reaching earth. DogbertThank you for shattering my comfortable misconception. DilbertIt's the miracle of science.

  • I was busier than a beaver in a coffee lake.

  • A rental car is basically an ashtray on wheels.

  • I try to manage my day by my circadian rhythms because the creativity is such an elusive thing, and I could easily just stomp over it doing my administrative stuff.

  • Highly intelligent and well-informed people disagree on every political issue. Therefore, intelligence and knowledge are useless for making decisions, because if any of that stuff helped, then all the smart people would have the same opinions. So use your "gut instinct" to make voting choices. That is exactly like being clueless, but with the added advantage that you'll feel as if your random vote preserved democracy.

  • I think the pleasure of completed work is what makes blogging so popular. You have to believe most bloggers have few if any actual readers. The writers are in it for other reasons. Blogging is like work, but without coworkers thwarting you at every turn. All you get is the pleasure of a completed task.

  • Ideas are cheap. A dime a dozen, as they say. It's the implementation that's important! The trick isn't just to have a computer game idea, but to actually create it!

  • If you have any trouble sounding condescending, find a Unix user to show you how it's done.

  • As a fan, I'm distraught, but as a cartoonist looking at new vacant spaces in 2400 newspapers, well, behind me, my cats are dancing a conga line.

  • The creator of the universe works in mysterious ways. But he uses a base ten counting system and likes round numbers.

  • Methods for predicting the future: 1) read horoscopes, tea leaves, tarot cards, or crystal balls . . . collectively known as "nutty methods;" 2) put well-researched facts into sophisticated computer . . . commonly referred to as "a complete waste of time."

  • Reporters are faced with the daily choice of painstakingly researching stories or writing whatever people tell them. Both approaches pay the same.

  • I respectfully decline the invitation to join your hallucination.

  • We're a planet of nearly six billion ninnies living in a civilization that was designed by a few thousand amazingly smart deviants.

  • Recently I quit caffeine. My doctor seems to think that 17 Diet Cokes per day is too much. In case you ever consider getting off caffeine yourself, let me explain the process. You begin by sitting motionlessly in a desk chair. Then you just keep doing that forever because life has no meaning.

  • The Dilbert Principle: People are idiots.

  • The best part about being my age is in knowing how my life worked out. Sure, there's a lot more living to go, but there isn't much doubt that I'll always be the 'Dilbert guy.' Unless I go on a crime spree, in which case I'll be that stabbin Dilbert guy.

  • Dilbert: I'm obsessed with inventing a perpetual motion machine. Most scientists think it's impossible, but I have something they don't. Dogbert: A lot of spare time? Dilbert: Exactly.

  • Dilbert: Evolution must be true because it is a logical conclusion of the scientific method. Dogbert: But science is based on the irrational belief that because we cannot perceive reality all at once, things called time and cause and effect exist. Dilbert: That's what I was taught and that's what I believe. Dogbert: Sounds cultish.

  • Dogbert: Scientists have discovered the gene that makes some people love golf. Dilbert: How can they tell it's the golf gene? Dogbert: It's plaid and it lies.

  • Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.

  • Dilbert: You joined the "Flat Earth Society?" Dogbert: I believe the earth must be flat. There is no good evidence to support the so-called "round earth theory." Dilbert: I think Christopher Columbus would disagree. Dogbert: How convenient that your best witness is dead.

  • One Dilbert Blog reader noted that current research shows that happiness causes success more than success causes happiness. That makes sense to me. There's plenty of research about people having a baseline of happiness that doesn't vary much with circumstances. And given that happy people are typically optimistic, energetic, and fun to work with, I can see how happiness would lead to success.

  • Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo

  • Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

  • I should have written that down. - Dilbert

  • I think 'Dilbert' will remain popular as long as employees are frustrated and they fear the consequences of complaining too loudly. 'Dilbert' is the designated voice of discontent for the workplace. I never planned it that way. It just happened.

  • I had several different bosses during the early years of 'Dilbert.' They were all pretty sure I was mocking someone else.

  • Dogbert: So, Since Columbus is dead, you have no evidence that the earth is round. Dilbert: Look. You can Ask Senator John Glenn. He orbited the earth when he was an astronaut. Dogbert: So, your theory depends on the honesty of politicians. Dilbert: Yes... no, wait...

  • The longer you work here, diverse it gets.

  • In the future, airplanes will be flown by a dog and a pilot. And the dog's job will be to make sure that if the pilot tries to touch any of the buttons, the dog bites him.

  • You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway.

  • Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems.

  • I love you like a fat kid loves cake!

  • Scientists will eventually stop flailing around with solar power and focus their efforts on harnessing the only truly unlimited source of energy on the planet: stupidity. I predict that in the future, scientists will learn how to convert stupidity into clean fuel.

  • Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

  • I used to be stupid but I've turned that situation around 360 degrees.

  • I was surprised to learn that doing household chores qualifies as romantic for most of you [women]. That's exactly why you should never hire a butler if you strike it rich - the minute that Jeeves starts unloading the dishwasher without being asked, your wife is going to start humping his leg.

  • Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.

  • I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it.

  • There's nothing more dangerous than a resourceful idiot.

  • My investments have been hurt.

  • Everyone says there's a lack of leadership in the world these days. I think we should all be thankful, because the only reason for leadership is to convince people to do things that are either dangerous (like invading another country) or stupid (working extra hard without extra pay).

  • These days it seems like any idiot with a laptop computer can churn out a business book and make a few bucks. That's certainly what I'm hoping. It would be a real letdown if the trend changed before this masterpiece goes to print.

  • When life gives you lemons... choke on them and die... you stupid lemon eater.

  • Dance like it hurts. Love like you need money. Work when people are watching. -- Dogbert's Motto

  • We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far. H. P. LOVECRAFT, "The Call of Cthulhu" When did ignorance become a point of view?

  • In yesterday's post, I asked how many of you guys would have sex with a robot if it was indistinguishable from a hot human woman. About 95% of the hetero guys said they would. The other 5% expressed a strong preference for lying.

  • Ratbert (as lab rat, to scientist): Doc, we have to talk. Every day you feed me over a hundred pounds of macaroni and cheese. At first I thought you were just being a good host. But lately I've been thinking it could be something far more sinister.

  • I get mail; therefore I am.

  • A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

  • As a rule, I don't like to laugh at the misfortune of others. The exception to that rule is if it's really, really funny.

  • Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they are not there the first time you need them, chances are you won't be needing them again.

  • Failure is where success likes to hide in plain sight.

  • Simple molecules combine to make powerful chemicals. Simple cells combine to make powerful life-forms. Simple electronics combine to make powerful computers. Logically, all things are created by a combination of simpler, less capable components. Therefore, a supreme being must be in our future, not our origin. What if "God" is the consciousness that will be created when enough of us are connected by the Internet?!!

  • Let's form proactive synergy restructuring teams.

  • For five hundred dollars, I'll name a subatomic particle after you. Some of my satisfied customers include Arthur C. Quark and George Meson.

  • Aim low, reach your goals, and avoid disappointment.

  • Newsreader: A huge asteroid could destroy Earth! And by coincidence, that's the subject of tonight's miniseries. Dogbert: In science, researchers proved that this simple device can keep idiots off your television screen. [TV remote control] Click.

  • The world isn't fair, but as long as it's tilting in my direction, I find that there's a natural cap to my righteous indignation.

  • Engineers like to solve problems. If there are no problems handily available, they will create their own problems

  • As a rule, anything in a binder has very little value, except as building material

  • A good metaphor can make any bad idea sound good

  • All vendor demos are boring. It's the law, I think

  • For example, if every time you eat popcorn, one hour later you fart so hard that it inflates your socks, you can reasonably assume popcorn makes you gassy.

  • Home is pretty utopian.

  • Theory of Evolution (Summary)First, there were some amoebas. Deviant amoebas adapted better to the environment, thus becoming monkeys. Then came Total Quality Management.

  • I'm surrendering myself to the realities of the Internet.

  • You don't have to be a person of influence to be influential. In fact, the most influential people in my life are probably not even aware of the things they've taught me.

  • Idiocy in the modern age isn't an all-encompassing, twenty-four-hour situation for most people. It's a condition that everybody slips into many times a day. Life is just too complicated to be smart all the time.

  • Lately...the Peter Principle has given way to the "Dilbert Principle." The basic concept of the Dilbert Principle is that the most ineffective workers are systematically moved to the place where they can do the least damage: management.

  • Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish, and he'll buy a funny hat. Talk to a hungry man about fish, and you're a consultant.

  • You might argue that my example is bad because Einstein is dead. But according to physicist Erwin Schrodinger, Einstein is neither dead nor alive until we dig him up and open the casket. If he's alive, he might want his brain back, which I understand is in a Ziplock bag in some guy's freezer. And this is a perfect example of why examples always distract from the main point.

  • A person with a flexible schedule and average resources will be happier than a rich person who has everything except a flexible schedule. Step one in your search for happiness is to continually work toward having control of your schedule.

  • Everyone, including skeptics, will generate delusions that match their views. That is how a normal and healthy brain works. Skeptics are not exempt from self-delusion.

  • There are always deadlines I have to meet. I don't let myself get too close to the deadlines, so it's not like I'm just sweating bullets or anything if the clock is ticking. I never let myself get in that situation.

  • Priority-wise, it simply makes sense to take care of yourself before you start searching for a higher meaning. You aren't much good to anyone else if you're unhealthy, a financial burden, or an emotional basket case. Fix yourself before you turn outward. It's best for everyone.

+1
Share
Pin
Like
Send
Share