Sarah Silverman quotes:

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  • I looked up and saw the shape of a heart made by the silhouette of Ben Affleck and Matt Damon kissing.

  • I like my life alone. I mean, I love being with friends, and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

  • I mean, I love being with friends and I love kissing and loving someone to pieces. But it's hard to find someone who doesn't ultimately start judging you and your choices.

  • I have very vivid dreams - almost always action-adventure. I'm often on the run. I've always had dreams. When I was little, I'd go to sleep with my head on my hands, which were in fists like I was looking through a camera. I felt like sleep was the movies - just drifting off to the movies.

  • It shows the truth - that the real meaning of a word is only as powerful or harmless as the emotion behind it.

  • My comedy notebooks are filled with random journal entries. It's all the same. I can look back on old joke notebooks, and know exactly what was going on in my life.

  • I'm always writing; I'm always jotting things down on paper or making notes in my iPhone. Then I'll make myself sit down and kind of shape it up, but there's really no other way to practice other than onstage.

  • If you are truly offended by an 80-year-old man saying you're not funny, then you're probably not funny.

  • My growing up years, we watched 'Happy Days,' every night. I don't know what was reruns and what was new.

  • Growing up, I always loved Disney movies, but the first movie I remember seeing is 'Sleepers,' so I wasn't really taken to children's movies.

  • I remember when I got a part on 'Seinfeld' it was like an out of body experience, I was so excited.

  • In terms of television and movies, I've been really interested in seeing the partnership of comedy and beauty and heart. I think they can go together really well and really thoughtfully. But, I'm a total one-hour drama addict. I think when you're a comedian, you tend towards dramas because that's the less stressful thing to watch.

  • Drew Friedman isn't just a brilliant artist. He takes you to a place. He takes you back in time. He makes you smell the stale cigarettes and cold brisket and you say, thank you for the pleasure.

  • They've got great parents; I'm just trying to be the fun uncle.

  • I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.

  • I just think of myself as a comedian, really. I mean, I talk about being Jewish a lot. It's funny because I do think of myself as Jewish ethnically, but I'm not religious at all. I have no religion.

  • My dad loves to be talked about, good or bad. He just loves it. He's not even hearing the content, he's just hearing him. When I'm onstage, he's looking at the audience members and can't believe that there are strangers listening to me, and he's just delighted by the whole thing.

  • I love making videos on my couch. You can put those on the Internet fast. I can express myself.

  • Jews, black people - any people who are hated or who have suffered, either as individuals or as a people - use humour. It is a survival skill.

  • Traditionally, I have no right to talk about race. I'm white; I didn't grow up in an all-black neighborhood. But the license I see for myself is I'm a member of the world.

  • I was raped by a doctor. Which is, you know, so bittersweet for a Jewish girl.

  • Relations between black and white would be greatly improved if we were more accepting of our fears and our feelings and more vocal about it.

  • But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.

  • People say I'm a nice girl saying terrible things. I tend to say the opposite of what I think. You hope that the absolute power of that transcends, and reaches the audience.

  • I have no religion, but I can't escape being extremely Jewish ethnically - that is, culturally. In other words, I'm not religious, but I worry and I'm neurotic. And I'm very good with money.

  • I'm not the marrying type, but I always want to be with someone who is a fan.

  • The worst thing that can happen for people who don't want women to be strong is that we help each other and become a force.

  • I never want to be in a position where I have to defend my material. It's too subjective. It's for other people to defend or not defend.

  • I do love the idea of ritual.

  • If I have kids, I'll adopt.

  • I am Jewish and proud of this culturally and ethnically - the ways in which I was born this way and am happy with whom I am.

  • I've always kept my overhead low so I could do whatever I want. I think of myself as lazy with spurts of getting a lot done. I find myself rooting against things sometimes because I get excited at the thought of a clean slate.

  • I commend you on all you've done for PETA, wrestling the one-eyed trouser snake with your bare hands, gently cuddling it in your arms, and nurturing it back to health.

  • My dad was a bedwetter; I think his dad was a bedwetter. I like to talk about it because it's something that I thought would be my deepest, darkest secret my whole life, and then you become an adult, and it's not.

  • Take lots of time for yourself, discovering yourself-pursue not only a profession but other life passions, I always make time to rock climb or hike or write a few short stories. Also, find good people and surround yourself with them. Most importantly, always believe you will, unequivocally.

  • I really think everything is fair game.

  • I think the difference between being miserable and finding happiness is just a matter of perspective. If you live your life defining yourself by what other people think of you, it's a form of self-torture.

  • I don't want to be a facilitator for other funny people. It doesn't seem smart for me to be in a comedy and not be funny. My spirit can't take it.

  • I do know that I can take a punch. I've been punched in the face three times. That's, I think, a really important thing to know about yourself. It helps you in life. It helps you be brave when you know you can take a punch. I'm a lover, not a fighter. But, God bless me, I can take a punch.

  • There are so many great comedies, right now. I like how comedies are really mixing. They're not just one thing. It can be very moving and dramatic, and yet hilarious.

  • That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.

  • I was Minnie Mouse for Halloween, every year when I was little. Then, I had the Cinderella nightgown, when I was really little, that I begged my mother to wear to school. I was also Snow White a lot.

  • I'm personally not into a guy who wears pedal pushers and a necklace.

  • By the time I would have graduated, at 22, I was a writer and featured performer on Saturday Night Live.

  • I do love poop. I can't help it. The heart wants what it wants. I enjoy being clever and pithy and political, but nothing's going to get me like dumb stuff.

  • What makes Disney movies and Pixar movies always so good, hey take time and they're constantly honing, and tweaking, and rejiggering things, and taking influences from every cog, including myself, that can help. Any place where there can be inspiration. They make every moment very layered and very rich.

  • We deserve quality lives with equality.

  • I enjoy the last quarter of all basketball games.

  • I was going to get an abortion the other day.I totally wanted an abortion.And it turns out I was just thirsty.

  • I like my messiness on stage, though I watch comics who come at a joke from every angle and I think, 'Yeah! That's how it's done!' But for me it's the audience. If I feel connected to them, I have so much fun, and if not, it stinks.

  • Men like to squash you. I just want someone who's happy with himself, happy with his life. He doesn't have to squash mine.

  • Look, I get it. Loose stools are grosser than solid ones. But the censor is using the context of her own life history with all her hang-ups to answer the question, "Is there a defensible ratio of fiber to water in this stool?

  • I still have highs and lows, maybe I don't cry salty tears as much.

  • When I was three, my dad thought it would be hilarious to teach me swear words, then have me say them to his friends. They would laugh and laugh. I realize now the laugh was pure shock value, but it felt really good, and I've been chasing it ever since.

  • And then before going back for my sophomore year, I decided to change my major to arts and sciences, and my dad cut a deal with me: He said if I'd quit school he'd pay my rent for the next three years, as if I were in school.

  • Don't tell girls they can be anything they want when they grow up. Because it would have never occurred to them that they couldn't. It's like saying, 'Hey, when you get in the shower, I'm not gonna read your diary.' 'Wait--are you gonna read my diary?' 'No! I said I'm not gonna read your diary. Go take a shower!'

  • I remember the horror story that I told myself over and over again. I'm totally alone in my body. I'm totally alone in my head and nobody will ever see through my eyes. I'm just completely alone.

  • I definitely think that prescription drugs, like antidepressants, are prescribed so cavalierly, anyone can get anything, but I need it. I do think that it needs to work hand and hand with therapy.

  • I just look like a transvestite when I try to dress up. There's no place to hide my balls.

  • I don't set out to offend or shock, but I also don't do anything to avoid it.

  • I tend to be more arrogant on stage. Far more ignorant. I sometimes say what I think and sometimes say the opposite of what I think and the lines get blurred, but I can only hope that some kind of absolute power transcends.

  • I was always the class clown; I made my family laugh, and that was when I was always happiest. I grew up listening to stand-up comedians' albums and watching them on TV, on 'The Tonight Show' and Letterman.

  • Everyone self-Googles. And, I have, of course, the Google alert.

  • I think maybe I became funny because as a kid, I was a Jew in a town of no Jews, and being funny just instinctively came about as a way to put people at ease around me.

  • You want to make people laugh and by virtue of that please them, but when you're instructed to make people laugh and please them, you're too resentful to do it.

  • Some people say my humor focuses too much on stereotypes. It doesn't. It focuses on facts.

  • It fills me with a weird rage to wear shoes that make me not able to walk easily or run if I had to. It feeds into this whole 'war on women' thing in my head.

  • I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.

  • I do love the idea of ritual. I'm a very ritualistic person. I have to wash my face twice, and on the second wash before I rinse, I brush my teeth, then I rinse, then I floss, then I put on moisturizer. I'm ritualistic. Jewishness is very ritualistic.

  • As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter, and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness.

  • You're supposed to have friends you can tell anything to.

  • That's not to say that I don't find anything offensive.

  • I have a ton of Holocaust stuff, and some of it is really hard core.

  • I'd love to do drama if it was interesting.

  • [I'm] almost positive there is no God.

  • A bull in just about any shop is gonna be a mess.

  • All comics want to be musicians. There's a part of me that wants to be a serious musician. I love songs about heartache and heartbreak.

  • Also, I learned whether you are gay, bisexual, it doesn't matter, you know " because, at the end of the day, they're both gross. But mostly, I learned that elderly black women are wise beyond their years " but younger black women are prostitutes.

  • And we're just all made of molecules and we're hurtling through space right now.

  • Anything television trivia I'm good at. But when you're on your couch, you're really good at it, but when you're standing there, it's probably scary.

  • As a kid, I was terrified. I was a bed wetter and I had to go to sleepaway camp every summer, which was humiliating and terrifying. I had lots of insecurities and scaredness. I covered it with being funny and tough, but it's hard to be tough when you're making your cot in your bunk over soaking wet sheets and acting like nobody can smell anything.

  • As soon as a woman is old enough to have an opinion and have a voice and be unafraid, she's very much encouraged by all sorts of people to crawl under a rock and die. And it's so weird. My crime is not dying.

  • As soon as a women gets to an age where she has opinions and she's vital and she's strong, she's systematically shamed into hiding under a rock.

  • Being with friends felt like a burden. I remember just sobbing.

  • Comedy can't live within my second-guesses, so I started doing new material. Sometimes I bombed. But you have to be willing to if you want to move forward and stay vital. It's like people who take pride in not having a computer. I'm all, "Great, don't learn new things! Your brain is full!"

  • Comedy is about talking about my own experience, and I'm a woman, and that's my experience, and just because it isn't yours doesn't invalidate it.

  • Comics who grew up surviving their childhood by being able to be the first one to make the joke about their weight or their hairy arms - like me - whatever they're insecure about, whatever they're apologizing for, that becomes their strength.

  • Dear America, when you tell gay Americans that they can't serve their country openly or marry the person that they love, you're telling that to kids too. So don't be f**king shocked and wonder where all these bullies are coming from that are torturing young kids and driving them to kill themselves because they're different; they learned it from watching you.

  • Don't forget, God can see you masturbating. But don't stop. He's almost there.

  • Earlier in my career, I was really tight, really together, and knew who I was and I was confident. I kind of feel in between now.

  • Everybody blames the Jews for killing Christ, and the Jews try to pass it off on the Romans. I'm one of the few people who believes it was the blacks.

  • Everyone's got their own velocity, and there's no real time frame with comedy.

  • Guess what, Martin Luther King? I had a dream, too.

  • I always look at myself knowing that I will have a certain degree of cognitive distortion.

  • I am 39 years old, and I still wake up every morning really excited I don't have to go to school.

  • I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.

  • I became known for surprising audiences. Except now, if I surprise them every time, they expect that.

  • I buy water at the liquor store across the street from where I live. So I'm walking into the door, and standing, loitering, outside the door is a man. And I walk by him to go in, and he says, I want pussy! Now, I don't want to seem conceited or anything, but he was talking about me!

  • I can get a script and go, "Well, I'd rather do stand-up." I don't hold movies in higher regard. I love making videos and posting. I love TV.

  • I can only speak from my own experience, and I would say that the depression I experienced feels like a chemical change. When it came over me, when it comes over me, it feels like it's coming over me like a flu.

  • I can see myself adopting. I'm not in a rush to do it. I'm 39, I know, but I do love kids, and I'm very good - I've got a lot of really good moves.

  • I can't cater to everyone's needs and what they're going to be offended by; that's one freedom I have.

  • I can't wait till Sunday, I'm gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece...

  • I didn't feel so different until maybe, like, around third grade. Kids started blaming me for my people killing Jesus.

  • I didn't lose my virginity until I was twenty-six. Nineteen vaginally, but twenty-six what my boyfriend calls "the real way".

  • I do enjoy and feel compelled to talk about things that are taboo. One, because I think I'm a troublemaker inside, if someone says, "Don't say that," it's all I want to say. And also, something I learned in therapy ... which is darkness can't exist in the light, and then that made me think of something that Mr. Rogers said, which is, "If it's mentionable, it's manageable."

  • I don't believe in Jesus or God. But I do believe that fundamentalists in religion or anything else are bad, and that they have more hate than love.

  • I don't care if you think I'm racist. I just want you to think I'm thin.

  • I don't compromise. I only do the stuff I want to do.

  • I don't get this shitty attitude that only gays should care about gay issues and only women should care about women's issues.

  • I don't like people whose job it isn't to be funny, to tell me what is and isn't funny.

  • I don't need a lot of space.

  • I don't really care for, like, fat jokes about women, specifically.

  • I don't think comedy comes from hotbeds of doing shtick. I think it usually comes from some kind of childhood humiliation or darkness.

  • I don't think half my stuff would be funny if the audience didn't feel at least a little bit safe that it's not how I truly feel.

  • I don't think there is a woman in her 40s who doesn't, kind of, examine herself in the mirror. ...

  • I don't wanna be labeled as straight or labeled as gay. I just want people to look at me and see me as white.

  • I don't want to deconstruct what I do.

  • I dress normal because I want people to treat me regular. And their brains explode. It's really fun.

  • I feel so confident and awesome and sexy when I'm with people who are older than me, and I've always been surrounded by people who are older than me. But to be vital in comedy, you have to exist in a world that's dominated by young people.

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