Rodney Dangerfield quotes:

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Life is just a bowl of pits.

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

My wife and I were happy for twenty year. Then we met.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

I once met a beautiful, proper English girl. I bid her adieu.... she bid me a don't.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn't make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

She was so fat that her bikini is made out of two bed sheets (king-size).

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.

My parents didn't like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I'm not Louise.

I'm a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn't going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don't make it, I'll never know it.

Comedy is a camouflage for depression.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I think my wife is cheating on me, the only thing the parrot knows how to say is, quick out the window.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

I took my son to Coney island, I said "wanna go in the crazy house?", he said "save your money we'll be home soon"!

My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

When my parents got divorced, there was a custody fight over me. ... and no one showed up.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I'm a downer. I've been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west.

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I knew a girl so ugly, I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her.

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek - she bent over!

I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes.

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women's prisons, and wait for parolees.

Hey everybody, we're all gonna get laid!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark

It's great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who's bald.

My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, The car behind me is paying for two.

With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.

I'm sitting on top of the world, and I've got hemorrhoids.

My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.

My boy is a mean kid. I came home the other day and saw him taping worms to the sidewalk, he sits there and watches the birds get hernias. Well, only last Christmas I gave him a B-B gun and he gave me a sweatshirt with a bulls-eye on the back. I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.

One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, "Wait til it gets warmer."

I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you."

My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, "Did you see the guy that did it?" She said, "No, but I got the license plate."

I went to a massage parlor, it was self service.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is "don't tell the butcher"!

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

My wife made me join a bridge club... I jump off next Tuesday.

I don't get no respect

With my dog I don't get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don't want to go out. He wants me to leave.

Women my age just don't turn me on. That's another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

She was so fat that her clothes are made by Omar the tent maker.

When we got married my wife told me I was one in a million. I found out she was right.

His breath is so bad why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.

I told my doctor I think my wife has VD. He gave himself a shot of penicillin.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig?" Guy says, "This is a duck." Bartender says, "I was talking to the duck."

I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

I was so ugly my parents had to hang a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.

Never guess your wife's size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.

My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.

Everyone gets their rough day. No one gets a free ride. Today so far, I had a good day. I got a dial tone.

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn't, so he nailed down my other foot!

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.

I'm not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

I feel sorry for short people, you know. When it rains, they're the last to know.