Richard Jeni quotes:

In the United States economic system you can lose big or you can win big. If you lose you wind up wearing a Hefty bag and sleeping in a doorway. If you win you can have sex with Catherine Zeta Jones when you're seventy-five.

Say whatever you want. But the United States has a kickass military and really good bullshit marketing people. If this country was a person it would be a used car salesman with a flamethrower.

There is no romance without some lying. That's what romance is - a little bit of Vaseline on the camera lens of life.

Easiest job you could ever have... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create reasonable doubt.

A bunch of money-grubbin', greenhouse-gasing, seal-clubbing, oil-drilling, Bible-thumping, missile-firing, right-to-life-ing, lethal-injecting hypocrites. People whose idea of a good time is strapping a dead panda to a Lincoln Navigator and running over everybody in the gay parade.

Imagine my surprise when it turned out the main thing that I was qualified for was to get another degree and teach Political Science to other people, who would, in turn, teach it to other people! This wasn't higher education, this was Amway with a football team!

Today, I bought a pastrami sandwich: $13.75. Walked back out in the street - genuine Rolex watch: six bucks.

A bunch of bong-smoking, America-bashing, flag-burning, yoga-posing, incense-burning, dolphin-saving, salmon-eating hypocrites. These are the sensitive, liberal people who are always yelling about people's freedom of speech and expression, unless you happen to say something that pisses them off.

Religious war at its simplest is killing each other over who has the best imaginary friend.

Brooklyn is the only place where a guy can open up a candy store sell no candy and gross over eight million dollars a year.

It's always the guy who gets the diarrhea on the commercial at an inconvenient moment. As if you've ever been in a situation: 'You know, this would be a great time to get the runs, you think? I mean the sun's out, we're on the ferris wheel - what are we waiting for?

Success is like toilet paper, it only seems important when you don't have it.

America: Twenty million illegal aliens can't be wrong!

I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, 'Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west.'

Seventy-five percent of all Americans believe that angels are real. Which is amazing when you consider that forty percent of all Americans think DNA evidence is unreliable.

The Web brings people together because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in 'Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire'and the computer will say, 'Specify type of goat.'

Animals are happier than humans because they're like furry little existentialists, all living in the moment. Their collective motto: live fast, die young, and leave a good-looking pelt.

The way I see life, it's like we're all flying on the Hindenburg, why fight over the window seats?

If you're going to war over religion, now you're just getting into a fight over who has the better imaginary friend.

I always look for a woman who has a tattoo. I see a woman with a tattoo, and I'm thinking, okay, here's a gal who's capable of making a decision she'll regret in the future.

Fifty per cent of all marriages end in divorce. But look at the bright side: the other 50 per cent end in death.

Ridiculous that some people feel superior to the gay minority. They're the only couples you'll ever find poking around for ceramics and candle holders in the winery gift shop and both parties really want to be there.

Choosing to have a child you can't take care of is like farting in an elevator. Sure you got it out, but not it's everyone else's problem.

I was brought up Catholic. My mom brought us to mass every Sunday - short for 'massive head trauma' that you get from your mother punching you in your little nine-year-old head every minute because you can't sit still for anything that's boring.

If carrots are good for my eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

Married or Single? There is no good choice. It's like when your doctor says, 'Ointment?' or 'Suppositories'?

Why is human cloning illegal? All it is is making a certain type of person on purpose. Can they possibly be any worse than the assholes we're pumping out by accident?

If you have a choice of selling shoes to ladies or giving birth to a flaming porcupine... look into that second, less painful career.

I dont get that -- people going to war over religion. I dont know, I could see going to war over justice or democracy or even revenge. But if youre going to war over religion, now youre just killing people in an argument over who has the better imaginary friend.

I met a girl, we ate, we drank, had sex, got married, had affairs, broke up - God, what a night that was!

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I'm catholic in the same way, that if a cow was born in a tree, it's a bird!

In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.

In life your dreams may not come true, but sooner or later one of your nightmares will.

In New York, the principal leisure activity is internal bleeding.

It is a sad fact that 50 percent of marriages in this country end in divorce. But hey, the other half end in death. You could be one of the lucky ones!

Live each day as if it were the last day of your life because, so far, it is.

Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.

Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

Never fry bacon when you're naked.

Nobody is really qualified to be the president. Basically it's an acting job. You have to act like you're the president. And every four years the country holds a big casting call.

Spiritual is the word people use when they mean they want to be covered whey they die but they're not getting up early on a Sunday.

Sports are an acceptable way for men to show emotion. A guy who won't hug his kid will slip a guy a tongue in a sports bar when his team wins.

Success is made up of courage, brains, and luck. Since the first two are a function of the third, it's pretty much all luck.

That's why you have to like a guy like Charles Manson. Say what you will about Manson - he's one of the only people with the decency to look like a dangerous maniac the first time you meet him.

The only difference between the women I've dated and Charles Manson is that Manson has the decency to look like a nut case when you first meet him.

There is an obesity epidemic. One out of every three Americans... weighs as much as the other two.

To me, the acceptable level of fecal matter is... zero.

We spend the second half of our life making up for the first half.

We would need less gun control if we had better birth control.

When one guy sees an invisible man he's a nut case; ten people see him it's a cult; ten million people see him it's a respected religion.

Why do women care about how big their feet are? I never saw a guy at the beach going, 'Wow, look at that woman, she is really... oh, darn! The feet are too big.'

You know what the average person is? Average.

You should never die for your beliefs, because what if you're wrong?