Paul Provenza quotes:

We look at the ancient Greeks with their gods on a mountain top throwing lightning bolts and say, 'Those ancient Greeks. They were so silly. So primitive and naive. Not like our religions. We have burning bushes talking to people and guys walking on water. We're ...sophisticated.'

I know jazz is completely un-American. But the reason why America doesn't like it is because it's not funny. We [americans] have made jazz funny.

I actually go to church. I know it's hard for you to believe. It's only because you know that Jesus on the cross? I love his smooth hairless body.

There is no democrats or republicans, right or left, red state or blue state. We are all one. And we are all unified against Mexicans.

If I had the flag that Betsy Ross worked so hard on, I wouldn't destroy it. I'd put it up on EBay because it's gotta be worth some serious coin. And that is the American way.

Some performers are brilliant comedians, some are genius musicians, and some just make you happy to be alive. THE BOBS are all of that - and then some.

As a comedian, I'm like one of those on-the-scene reporters. I will actually go and try to find disasters so I can write jokes as the disasters unfold.

Children in a third world country. That's how we spread democracy.

How many impressionist painters painted the same damned thing? How many actors have played the same part in renditions of a play or dancers do the same dances,

I actually had to leave the country for infractions to fall off my record.

We didn't choose the joke because it's filthy! We chose it because of the structure!