Ogden Nash quotes:

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

People who work sitting down get paid more than people who work standing up.

Professional men, they have no cares; whatever happens, they get theirs.

I hope my tongue in prune juice smothers, If I belittle dogs and mothers.

Every New Year is the direct descendant, isn't it, of a long line of proven criminals?

Commitments the voters don't know about can't hurt you.

There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.

Tonight's December thirty-first, something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!

To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind, But it is very difficult to treat because it cannot even be defined, Because everything is not gold that glisters and everything is not a tear that glistens, And one man's remorse is another man's reminiscence"

Miranda in Miranda's sight is old, gray and dirty; Twenty-nine she was last night; This morning she is thirty.

Baclli swarm within my portalsSuch as ne'r conceived by mortals,But, bred by scientists,Wise and hoary in some Olympian laboratory.Bacteria as large as miceWith feet of fire and heads of ice,Who never interrupt for slumberTheir stomping, elephantine rumba.( From the poem--- " The Common Cold " )"

The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat.

Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them.

Certainly there are things in life that money can't buy, but it's very funny - Did you ever try buying them without money?

Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, and that's what parents were created for.

A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.

Do you think my mind is maturing late, or simply rotted early?

If some confectioners were willing To let the shape announce the filling, We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs, Bitten into and returned to the box.

It is common knowledge to every schoolboy and even every Bachelor of Arts, That all sin is divided into two parts. One kind of sin is called a sin of commission, and that is very important

At another year I would not boggle Except that when I jog I joggle.

Here's a toast to the roast that good fellowship lends, with the sparkle of beer and wine; May its sentiment always be deeper, my friends, than the foam at the top of the stein. Then here's to the heartening wassail, wherever good fellows are found; Be its master instead of its vassal, and order the glasses around.

I think that I shall never see A billboard lovely as a tree. Perhaps, unless the billboards fall, I'll never see a tree at all.

I think remorse ought to stop biting the consciences that feed it.

The most exciting happiness is the happiness generated by forces beyond your control.

He who has never tasted jail Lives well within the legal pale, While he who's served a heavy sentence Renews the racket, not repentance."

The only people who should really sin are the people who can sin and grin.

If you don't want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.

People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven't what they want that they really don't want it.

No, you never get any fun out of the things you haven't done.

The cow is of the bovine ilk: One end is moo, the other, milk.

Some hate broccoli, some hate bacon I hate having my picture taken. How can your family claim to love you And then demand a picture of you?

When I remember bygone days I think how evening follows morn So many I loved were not yet dead, So many I love were not yet born.

The camel has a single hump, The dromedary, two; Or else the other way around; I'm never sure. Are you?

Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.

To Tom Carlson or his dog-depending on whose taste it best suits.

Celery, raw, Develops the jaw

Authors of all races, be they Greeks, Romans, Teutons, or Celts, Can't seem just to say anything is the thing it is but have to go out of their way to say that it is like something else.

I test my bath before I sit, And I'm always moved to wonderment That what chills the finger not a bit Is so frigid upon the fundament.

So Columbus said, somebody show me the sunset and somebody did and he set sail for it, And he discovered America and they put him in jail for it, And the fetters gave him welts, And they named America after somebody else.

Life is not having been told that the man has just waxed the floor.

No matter how deep and dark your pit, how dank your shroud, their heads are heroically unbloody and unbowed.

But that wasn't fancy enough for Lord Byron, oh dear me no, he had to invent a lot of figures of speech and then interpolate them, With the result that whenever you mention Old Testament soldiers to people they say Oh yes, they're the ones that a lot of wolves dressed up in gold and purple ate them.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them.

So I think there is one rule every host and hostess ought to keep with the comb and nail file and bicarbonate and aromatic spirits on a handy shelf, Which is don't spoil the denouement by telling the guests everything is terrible, but let them have the thrill of finding it out for themselves.

Some tortures are physical And some are mental, But the one that is both Is dental.

Every Englishman is convinced of one thing, viz.: That to be an Englishman is to belong to the most exclusive club there is.

There was a young man of Herne Bay who was making some fireworks one day: but he dropped his cigar in the gunpowder jar. There was a young man of Herne Bay.

The noblest lord is ushered in By the practicing physician, And the humblest lout is ushered out By a certified mortician. And in between, they find their foyers Alive with summonses from lawyers.

Your hair may be brushed, but your mind's untidy. You've had about seven hours of sleep since Friday. No wonder you feel that lost sensation. You're sunk from a riot of relaxation.

I have an idea that the phrase weaker sex was coined by some woman to disarm some man she was preparing to overwhelm.

A husband is a guy who tells you when you've got on too much lipstick and helps you with your girdle when your hips stick.

We love the kindly wind and hail, The jolly thunderbolt, We watch in glee the fairy trail Of ampere, watt, and volt.

Here lies my past, Goodbye I have kissed it; Thank you kids, I wouldn't have missed it.

Good wine needs no bush, and perhaps products that people really want need no hard-sell or soft-sell TV push. Why not? Look at pot.

Ten years ago she split the air To seize what she could spy Tonight she bumps against a chair, Betrayed by milky eye. She seems to pant, Time up, time up! My little dog must die, And lie in dust with Hector's pup; I So, presently, must I.

A dog's best friend is his illiteracy.

So I hope husbands and wives will continue to debate and combat Over everything debatable and combatable Because I believe a little incompatibility is the spice of life Particularly if he has income and she is pattable.

Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, were it not for making living, which is rather a nouciance.

Marriage is the only known example of the happy meeting of the immovable object and the irresistible force.

Beneath this slab John Brown is stowed. He watched the ads, And not the road.

Linguistics becomes an ever eerier area, like I feel like I'm in Oz, Just trying to tell it like it was.

Then blessings on thee, my afternoon torpor Thou makest a prince of a mental porpor.

There is something about a martini, Ere the dining and dancing begin, And to tell you the truth, It is not the vermouth- I think that perhaps it's the gin.

Middle-age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Passivity can be a provoking modus operandi; Consider the Empire and Gandhi.

Indoors or out, no one relaxes in March, that month of wind and taxes, the wind will presently disappear, the taxes last us all the year.

In the world of mules there are no rules.

Love is a word that is constantly heard, Hate is a word that is not. Love, I am told, is more precious than gold. Love, I have read, is hot. But hate is the verb that to me is superb, And Love but a drug on the mart. Any kiddie in school can love like a fool, But Hating, my boy, is an Art.

This is my dream, It is my own dream, I dreamt it. I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it.

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

How easy for those who do not bulge to not overindulge!

The oboe's a horn made of wood. I'd play you a tune if I could, But the reeds are a pain, And the fingering's insane. It's the ill wind that no one blows good.

Here is a pen and here is a pencil, here's a typewriter, here's a stencil, here's a list of today's appointments, and all the flies in all the ointments, the daily woes that a man endures -- take them, George, they're yours!

I myself am more and more inclined to agree with Omar and Satchel Paige as I grow older: Don't try to rewrite what the moving finger has writ, and don't ever look over your shoulder.

If called by a panther, don't anther.

The reason for much matrimony is patrimony.

Progress might have been all right once, but it's gone on too long.

One man's remorse is another man's reminiscence.

Some debts are fun when you are acquiring them, but none are fun when you set about retiring them

Daybreak is one of the greatest disadvantages of living under the solar system: It means having to get up almost the very minute you go to bed, And bathe and shave and scrub industriously at your molar system And catch a train and go to the office an

The bed is a bundle of paradoxes we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.

The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.

Progress might have been alright once, but it has gone on too long.

Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.

At least when I get on the Boston train I have a good chance of landing in the South StationAnd not in that part of the daily press which is reserved for victims of aviation.

...I would not engage the wombatIn any form of mortal combat.

A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.

Happiness is having a scratch for every itch.

I drink because she nags, she said I nag because he drinks. But if the truth be known to you, He's a lush and she's a shrew.

Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

I think in terms of rhyme, and have since I was six years old,

A husband is a man who two minutes after his head touches the pillow is snoring like an overloaded omnibus.

Remorse is a violent dyspepsia of the mind.

There is one fault that I must find With the twentieth century. And I'll put it in a couple of words; Too adventury. What I'd like would be some nice dull monotony If anyone's gotony.

Here's a good rule of thumb; too clever is dumb.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave, when they think that their children are naive.

Some one invented the telephone, And interrupted a nation's slumbers, Ringing wrong but similar numbers.

The further through life I drift the more obvious it becomes that I am lacking in thrift.

The sky is now indelible ink, The branches reft asunder; But you and I we do not shrink; We love the lovely thunder.

An occasional lucky guess as to what makes a wife tick is the best a man can hope for, Even then, no sooner has he learned how to cope with the tick than she tocks.

I think progress began to retrogress when Wilbur and Orville started tinkering around in Dayton and at Kitty Hawk, because I believe that two Wrights made a wrong.

I claim there ain't Another Saint As great as Valentine.

All husbands are alike, but they have different faces so you can tell them apart.

The truth I do not stretch or shove When I state the dog is full of love. I've also proved, by actual test, A wet dog is the lovingest.

Some primal termite knocked on wood. And tasted it, and found it good. And that is why your Cousin May Fell through the parlor floor today.

Behold the Zebra on the plains, And shudder at his mighty manes!

To keep your marriage brimming, With love in the loving cup, Whenever you're wrong, admit it; Whenever you're right, shut up.

There are people who are very resourceful, at being remorseful, and who apparently feel that the best way to make friends is to do something terrible and then make amends.

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.

I would live all my life in nonchalance and insouciance, Were it not for making a living, which is rather a nouciance.

Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.

Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.

I have an idea that the phrase 'weaker sex' was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.

If you don't want to work, you have to work to earn enough money so that you won't have to work.