Milton Berle quotes:

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison - if it wasn't for him, we'd be watching television by candlelight.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Valentine's Day is like Armistice Day - you declare a truce.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

A man is hit by a car while crossing a Beverly Hills street. A woman rushes to him and cradles his head in her lap, asking, Are you comfortable? The man answers, I make a nice living.

The company accountant is shy and retiring. He's shy a quarter of a million dollars. That's why he's retiring.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

At the Christmas party, the secretary with the long red hair ate three pickles, and four salesmen panicked.

Committee - a group of men who keep minutes and waste hours.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can't make him think.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

I'd rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I'd rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

It's always consoling to know that today's Christmas gifts are tomorrow's garage sales.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Experience is what you have after you've forgotten her name.

I gave my wife a twenty-five-dollar gift certificate. She used it as a down payment on a mink coat.

Do you want to feel insecure? Count the number of Christmas cards you sent out, and then count those you received.

One of those Christmas songs says, "You better not shout, you better not cry, you better not pout." How's my wife going to get along?

I just read about a schoolteacher who got hurt. She was grading papers on a curve!

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

I know why superman left krypton. Earth was the only place where he could get steriods!

A young man fills out an application for a job and does well until he gets to the last question, "Who Should we notify in case of an accident?" He mulls it over and then writes, "Anybody in sight!"

Our tree was so puny we used orthopedic bulbs.

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it's terribly inconvenient

My sister-in-law found a real surprise in her stockings - my brother.

I like to do things for my wife on Valentine's Day. I open the door for her when she puts laundry in the washing machine.

Los Angeles is the home of the three little white lies: "The Ferrari is paid for," "The mortgage is assumable," and "It's just a cold sore!

A man falls down a flight of stairs and somebody rushes over to him and asks, Did you miss a step? No, he answers, I hit every one of them!

A thing of beauty is a job forever.

All my wife wanted for Valentine's Day was a little card - American Express.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

At Christmas you can get real bargains. I saw one item marked down ten dollars. It was a yacht.

At eighty-two, I feel like a twenty-year-old, but, unfortunately, there's never one around.

Do you realise that Eve was the only woman who ever took a man's side?

Every year my boss used to give me a bottle of expensive brandy because I'd told him that my doctor suggested a drink once in a while. This year my boss gave me the name of a new doctor.

Folk who don't know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

For Christmas the just came out with a battery-operated battery. But the batteries aren't included.

For every studen with a spark of brilliance, there are about ten with ignition trouble.

He was such a bad writer, they revoked his poetic license.

I bought a Christmas tree for twenty dollars. When I came home the next day, my wife was wearing it in her hair.

I bought an ideal gift for my mother-in-law - a battery-operated mouth.

I bought my kid an educational toy to help him make it through life. No matter how you put it together, it's wrong.

I bought my mother-in-law a beautiful chair for Christmas, but she won't let me plug it in.

I bought my son a bat for Christmas. On New Year's it flew away.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I can't tell you his age, but when he was born the wonder drug was Mercurochrome.

I don't date women my age. There aren't any.

I don't mind personal insults, but when you insult the jokes that I tell you're insulting Fred Allen, Bob Hope, Burns and Allen, Trevor McGee and Molly Picon.

I don't worry too much about sex education in the schools. If the kids learn it like they do everything else, they won't know how.

I feel like Zsa Zsa Gabor's sixth husband. I know what I'm supposed to do, but I don't know how to make it interesting.

I gave my wife a gift certificate for Christmas. She ran out to exchange it for a bigger size.

I have a brother who is afraid to go to sleep, he dreams he's working.

I just bought a great gift for my boss - a leaky ant farm.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

I made a terrible mistake last Christmas. My wife made me swear that I wouldn't give her a fancy gift. And I didn't.

I never stole a joke in my life. I just find them before they're lost.

I really doubt whether evolution ever works, how then come Mothers have only two hands

I take New Years with a grain of salt and three aspirins.

I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

If you hire relatives, you'll have a payroll that won't quit.

In the suburbs it's hard to buy your Christmas gifts early in the year. You never know who your friends will be in December.

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn't say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

It was a tough school. The kids on the debating team took steroids!

It's amazing how fast later comes when you buy now!

Jews don't drink much because it interferes with their suffering.

Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards.

Money can't buy you happiness. It just helps you look for it in more places.

Most attorneys practice law because it gives them a grand and glorious feeling. You give them a grand - and they feel glorious.

My brother applied for work, but was told by the company that it had more employees than it needed. My brother said, "Don't worry. The little bit of work I do won't be noticed !!!"

My son gave me a nice bottle of cologne - Eau de Owe.

My son has a big Christmas problem - what do you buy for a father who has everything and you're using it?

My son really has the spirit of Valentine's Day. When he was in college, he used to send his mother a heart-shaped box of laundry.

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don't try to run her life, and I don't try to run mine.

My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, "Let's get your nephew a set of drums. That's what your brother did to us last year."

My wife calls our waterbed the Dead Sea.

My wife can't figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who's had everything up to here?

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

My wife sent me a Valentine card that said, "Take my heart, take my lips, take my soul." That's just like her. She kept the good parts for herself.

My wife wants something foreign for Christmas - like a Mexican divorce.

Now that doctors have stopped making house calls, lots of patients now have to die without their help.

Nowadays, when a speaker tells the graduates that the future is theirs--is that a promise or a threat?

On Valentine's Day, I wired flowers for my mother-in-law, but she found the fuse.

One teacher recently retired with a half-million dollars after 30 years of working hard, caring, dedicating herself and totally immensing herself in the problems of the students. That gave her $50. The rest of the money came from the death of a rich uncle.

Our local department store had two Santas - one for regular kids and one for kids who wanted ten toys or less.

Radio... that wonderful invention by which I can reach millions of people... who fortunately can't reach me.

Remember when you had your face lifted... and the guy brought it back.

Santa is having a tough time this year. Last year he deducted eight billion for gifts, and the IRS wants an itemized list

Sex at eighty-four is terrific, especially the one in the winter.

She wanted an Italian sports car - with the sport still in it.

She was nice to him on Valentine's Day. She gave him a heart-shaped rash.

Sir, I didn't deserve the grade you gave me on this test. Do you know a lower one?

Some kids want to know why the teachers get paid when it's the kids who have to do all the work.

Talk about cheap - on Christmas Eve, my neighbour shoots off three blanks and tells his kids Santa Claus just committed suicide.

The human brain is special. It starts working as soon as you get up and it doesn't stop until you get to school.

The only thing that can break a piece of Valentine candy is another piece of Valentine candy.

The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked "Fragile," they throw it underhand.

There are a lot of things money can't buy. Not one of them is on my son's list.

They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.

They've got plastic Christmas trees now. They're hard to tell from the real aluminum ones.

This man's wife told him, "For Christmas, surprise me." On Christmas Eve he leaned over where she was sleeping and said, "Boo!"

Valentine's Day - a nice holiday because it's the first day of the rest of your wife.

Valentine's Day is the day when you remember that Cupid was a lousy shot.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

We inherit a lot from our parents: mom's eyes, dad's chin, and the attitude of whichever parent isn't punishing you at the moment. All of those things we have our mom's to thank for."If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?"

What an orchestra! They just sit there, but their minds are thousands of miles away with their bookies.

Who says we didn't have controversial subjects on TV back in my time? Remember Bonanza? It was about three guys in high heels living together

Why are we honoring this man? Have we run out of human beings?

You look like a normal person, if you can find a normal person who wants to look like that.

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

You're aging when your actions creak louder than your words.