Michael R. Burch quotes:

Donald Trump's hairpiece has reportedly narrowed its list of running partners down to Don King, Kramer, William Shatner, Dolly Parton and Phil Spector, and has no worries about being upstaged.

If every witty thing that's said was true, Oscar Wilde, the world would worship You!

Donald Trump just pledged to be loyal to the Green Party, the Communist Party and Party Central, as long as they agree to be nice to that thing on his head. If not, all bets are off.

Rand Paul tried hard to upstage Donald Trump at the first debate, talking tough about his guns and his right not to register them. But with his pixie-ish perm, Paul does not impress me as the gunslinger type. Rand Paul is the RuPaul of politics. He would do better to defend his right to carry an unregistered blow-dryer and curling irons.

Donald Trump isn't really running for president, come on! This is obviously a new reality show, Celebrity Presidential Apprentice. It ends with the incompetent celebrity being berated, humiliated, then unceremoniously fired.

Many presidents have believed in God, but Donald Trump evidently believes that he is God.

Teddy Roosevelt spoke softly and carried a big stick; Donald Trump speaks loudly and carries a big shtick.

What do you call a comedian who runs for president? A trump card.

Did evangelical Christians mistake Donald Trump's hairpiece for a halo, while ignoring the obvious signs that he worships Mammon?

When I was being bullied, I had to learn not to judge myself by the opinions of intolerant morons. Then I felt much better.

C'm'on lefties! Admit that Trump has been very tough on China. He has been especially tough on Chinese kids who slave away in sweatboxes, making his clothing lines.

Donald Trump just announced that if Republicans don't treat him fairly, he will resurrect the Whig party and run as its hair apparent.

Epigrams delight us into wisdom.

Every political card played by Jeb Bush has been Trumped; every political note played by The Donald has been Trumpeted.

If God is good half the Bible is libel.

It's simply not true that Donald Trump has no experience in foreign affairs. Hell, two of his foreign affairs resulted in marriages!

Life's saving graces are love, pleasure, laughter ... wisdom, it seems, is for the Hereafter.

President Obama contends that charges he is "not really an American" have been trumped up by you-know-who.

I'll not! The gents are impressed with the way that I'm dressed. I wouldn't change even one spot.

Abbesses' recesses are not for excesses!

Donald Trump accused Huma Abedin of sharing state secrets with her husband. I think Trump clearly lacks a sense of Huma.

Donald Trump has filed so many bankruptcies and busted so many companies that his children now have receding heir lines.

Donald Trump really is a fan of the Bible, except that it's far too long for him to read. So he just released a new, improved version, the Gospel According to Trump. It reads: "I, Donald Trump, am God. Praise, worship, and adore Me as I do Myself. Then all shall be Great, as I am Great. The End."

Even Donald Trump's hairpiece is fed up with his insults and says it now supports Bernie Sanders. When Trump found out, he sobbed

Hell hath no fury like a frustrated fundamentalist whose God condemned him to "hell" for having "impure thoughts."

I lived as best I could, and then I died. Be careful where you step: the grave is wide.

If brevity is the soul of wit then brevity and levity are the whole of it.

It's not that every leaf must finally fall, it's just that we can never catch them all.

Love is either wholly folly, or fully holy.

Perhaps love doesn't make the world go round, but it makes the bumpy ride worthwhile and provides a glorious destination.

The slogan of the American Civil Rights Movement was "We shall overcome!" Donald Trump's new campaign slogan is "We shall overcomb!"

The truth can finally be told: Donald Trump's autism was caused by a vaccination that went terribly wrong; this explains why he can't relate to other people.

There's no better tonic for other people's bad ideas, than to think for oneself.

These are clearly the end times, and now we understand why the prophets warned us about the Trump of Doom.

Toupée or not toupée for professional government: that is the hair-raising question created by Donald Trump's candidacy.

Trump appeals to right-wingnuts because when the going gets tough, they wig out.

Trump appeals to the disaffected by loudly trumpet-ing what they want to hear: other people are always the problem, and the solution is to either put them in their proper place or get rid of them.

Trump claims he'd be the "best jobs president that God ever created." But isn't his claim to fame firing people?

Trump has officially changed his name to Ronald because he's such a clown, and in sympathy his toupée is changing its name to Bozo.

Trump's last name is an omen that he'll win the Republican nomination, since "trump" means "triumph." One might suggest that this will constitute the triumph of insanity over reason, except that none of the other Republican candidates make any sense either. Trump just makes them seem less crazy by comparison.

What do we get when the Donald exposes his enormous ass? A trump roast.

When Donald Trump becomes president, he'll fly on a jumbo jet rebadged Hair Force One. It will be oversized to contain his massive ego, and will have all the latest and greatest blowdryer technology.

Donald Trump has taken the Peter Principle to unprecedented heights. Or is it depths?

How can the Bible be "infallible" when from Genesis to Revelation slavery is commanded and condoned, but never condemned?