Larry David quotes:

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

Women love a self-confident bald man.

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Even though the National Guard and Army Reserve see combat today, it rankles me that people assume it was some kind of waltz in the park back then.

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

If I was going onstage, of course I would talk about it. How could I not?

I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

Millions of people are married. I've never picked up a paper and seen a headline that says, Man Gets Married!

I never thought for a second that anything I ever did was going to make someone cringe. That never occurred to me.

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

Religion doesn't play any part in my life in terms of how I live my life. But I don't think I've ever gone through a day in my life without hearing someone say the word 'Jew' or saying it myself.

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

Let's not forget, I got divorced.

I don't have many friends.

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

My background is degradation and sloth, mostly.

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

I am not honest.

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

Women love a self-confident bald man."

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

Do not degrade me in the military uniform I wear for it represents the love I have for my country, and the sacrifices myself and millions of other American soldiers make everyday to protect the freedom we enjoy by living in the United States of America.

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

Did Bill Clinton actually think that he could get blow jobs from a Jewish woman and there would be no consequences?

Sometimes you have to rely on sex and bodily functions.

I had a job as a paralegal. I drove a cab.

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

Who do you think has more freedom: the married man in America or the single man in Communist China?

Being Larry David on Curb Your Enthusiasm was the best thing to happen to Larry David in life.

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

My life has changed. I'm not walking around any more wishing I wasn't me, which was the case at one time.

It's that I wasn't suited to do the kind of comedy that these people were coming to hear - mainstream comedy.

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

Most practical jokes, I'll feel too bad for the other person so I'll stop just before the punchline.

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

I have reservations about everything I do.

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

Weathermen merely forecast rain to keep everyone else off the golf course

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

Obviously comedic styles do change.

I think that for the most part, when I started doing comedy, it had become very commercialized.

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

I'm cranky.

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

Anything that's for free, people will take. They don't discriminate.

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

Most people think I'm immodest.

Whenever something good happens to me, it's usually followed by something terrible.

I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

I believe in something.

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

A date is an experience you have with another person that makes you appreciate being alone

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

A place to go - that's what my mother always instilled in me. You need a place to go. And you're worthless unless you have a place to go.

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Anytime I'm involved with anything that's well-received, it's a surprise to me.

Even back then, I exuded self-confidence, and that drives women crazy.

I couldn't walk up to a woman at a bar and say hello.

I don't like people cleaning my room.

I don't like talking to people I KNOW, but strangers, I have no problem with.

I don't like to analyze my music too much. It just comes welling up out of the depths of my soul.

I find human contact repulsive.

I got a Swede lawyer?!? She's gonna get everything!

I guess I still feel that I'm a comedian; if I had to pick one thing that I feel like I could do, it would be that. That doesn't mean that I like it, but I feel that's what I am.

I have no sense of well-being. There's no chance the well will run dry.

I just feed off the energy of the audience.

I just wanted laughs - that's really what I was after.

I like to be quiet, and let people find me rather than having to shout at them.

I need to be on drugs to connect with nature.

I once stopped to pick up a girl, and then there was this creepy-looking guy standing behind the bushes waiting to jump out and get in, too. So I just quickly drove away.

I think Michael Moore is a hero.

I wasn't making fun of my father in-law's religion. And even if I was so what, it's a comedy. Religion should be made fun of, it's quite ridiculous isn't it. Think how people spend their lives, they have no idea. They go around as if this is a fact. It's so insane you know. If I really believed that stuff I'd keep it to myself. Lest somebody think I was out of my mind.

I'd like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.

I'd much rather be on stage talking to a couple of retards for twenty bucks than sitting at my desk thinking up jokes for...well let's say a few dollars more.

If I tried to flirt with a woman and she didn't know who I was, she would run away.

I'm a jerk, that's who I am. I'm like everybody else.

I'm anti-cheese in a salad.