Kin Hubbard quotes:

There is no failure except in no longer trying. There is no defeat except from within, no really insurmountable barrier save our own inherent weakness of purpose.

Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit.

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

Classical music is the kind we keep thinking will turn into a tune.

The safe way to double your money is to fold it over once and put it in your pocket.

A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.

As to those who hoard gold and silver and spend it not in God's path, give them, then, the tidings of a painful agony: on a day when these things shall be heated in hell-fire, and their foreheads, and their sides, and their backs shall be branded therewith.

Don't knock the weather; nine-tenths of the people couldn't start a conversation if it didn't change once in a while.

Getting talked about is one of the penalties for being pretty, while being above suspicion is about the only compensation for being homely.

The worst feature of a new baby is its mother's singing.

The fellow that owns his own home is always just coming out of a hardware store.

Where ignorance is bliss it's foolish to borrow your neighbor's newspaper.

It's going to be fun to watch and see how long the meek can keep the earth once they inherit it.

If capital and labor ever do get together it's good night for the rest of us.

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.

There is nothing so aggravating as a fresh boy who is too old to ignore and too young to kick.

Live so that you can at least get the benefit of the doubt.

The fellow that agrees with everything you say is either a fool or he is getting ready to skin you.

A grouch escapes so many little annoyances that it almost pays to be one.

Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

I don't look for much to come out of government ownership as long as we have Democrats and Republicans.

It is pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

Universal peace sounds ridiculous to the head of an average family.

None but the brave can live with the fair.

Nobody works as hard for his money as the man who marries it.

Fun is like life insurance; the older you get, the more it costs.

Bargain... anything a customer thinks a store is losing money on.

It's pretty hard to tell what does bring happiness; poverty and wealth have both failed.

It used to be that a fellow went on the police force when everything else failed, but today he goes in the advertising game.

Some fellows get credit for being conservative when they are only stupid.

Every once in a while someone without a single bad habit gets caught.

The reason the way of the transgressor is hard is because it's so crowded.

Boys will be boys, and so will a lot of middle-aged men.

Nobody ever forgets where he buried the hatchet.

There ought t'be some way t'eat celery so it wouldn't sound like you wuz steppin' on a basket.

Some folks seem to have descended from the chimpanzee much later than others.

If you haven't seen your wife smile at a traffic cop, you haven't seen her smile her prettiest.

A fellow ought to save a few of the long evenings he spends with his girl till after they're married.

No one can feel as helpless as the owner of a sick goldfish.

The hardest thing is to take less when you can get more.

Honesty pays, but it doesn't seem to pay enough to suit some people.

Only one fellow in ten thousand understands the currency question, and we meet him every day.

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.

Another bad thing about "prosperity" is that you can't jingle any money without being under suspicion

Men are not punished for their sins, but by them.

Nobody kicks on being interrupted if it's by applause.

Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.

It's the good loser who finally loses out.

All the world loves a good loser.

It isn't enough for you to love money - it's also necessary that money should love you.

Peace has its victories no less than war, but it doesn't have as many monuments to unveil.

Of all the unbearable nuisances, the ignoramus that has traveled is the worst.

If there's anything a public servant hates to do it's something for the public.

"Why doesn't the fellow who says, "I'm no speechmaker," let it go at that instead of giving a demonstration? "

Executive: a man who makes quick decisions and is sometimes right.

Some people pay a compliment as if they expected a receipt.

When some fellers decide to retire nobody knows the difference.

We seldom attribute common sense except to those who agree with us

The feller that calls you brother generally wants something that don't belong to him

We're all self-made men, but not very many of us have stayed on the job.

About the only thing we have left that actually discriminates in favor of the plain people is the stork.

There's no secret about success. Did you ever know a successful man who didn't tell you about it?

Many a family tree needs trimming

An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed.

Nobody can be as agreeable as an uninvited guest.

If some people didn't tell you, you'd never know they'd been away on a vacation.

A bee is never as busy as it seems; it's just that it can't buzz any slower.

We would all like to vote for the best man but he is never a candidate.

A loafer always has the correct time.

Some folks can look so busy doing nothing that they seem indispensable.

Now and then an innocent man is sent to the legislature.

A bad cold wouldn't be so annoying if it weren't for the advice of our friends.

A friend that ain't in need is a friend indeed.

A never-failing way to get rid of a fellow is to tell him something for his own good.

A sadder but wiser man is a thousand times more agreeable to meet than the feller that never makes a mistake.

A sympathizer is a fellow that's for you as long as it doesn't cost anything.

After a fellow gets famous it doesn't take long for someone to bob up that used to sit by him in school.

All I kin git out o' the Wickersham position on prohibition is that the distinguished jurist seems to feel that if we'd let 'em have it the problem o' keepin' 'em from gitten;' it would be greatly simplified

An optimist is a fellow who believes what's going to be will be postponed

Beauty is . . . a valuable asset if you're poor or haven't any sense.

Bees are not as busy as we think they are. They jest can't buzz any slower.

Being an optimist after you've got everything you want doesn't count.

Don't a fellow feel good after he gets out of a store where he nearly bought something.

Don't say yes until I've finished talking. - Attributed to many Hollywood executives Lots of folks confuse bad management with destiny.

Every father expects his boy to do the things he wouldn't do when he was young.

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book.

Experience is a dear teacher but he delivers the goods.

Fashion: a barricade behind which men hide their nothingness.

Flattery won't hurt you if you don't swallow it.

Folks that blurt out just what they think wouldn't be so bad if they thought.

Getting talked about is one of the penalties.

Gossip is vice enjoyed vicariously - the sweet, subtle satisfaction without the risk.

Hon Editor Cale Fluhart was a power politically fer years, but he never got prominent enough t' have his speeches garbled.

I don't know of anything better than a woman if you want to spend money where it will show.

I haven't heard of anybody who wants to stop living on account of the cost.

I never saw an athletic girl that thought she was strong enough to do indoor work.

I will say this for adversity: people seem to be able to stand it, and that is more than I can say for prosperity.

If at first you do succeed don't take any more chances.

If the government was as afraid of disturbing the consumer as it is of disturbing business, this would be some democracy.

If there's anything mean in a feller, a litter authority will bring it out.

I'm sorry to inform you that your 50 year warranty has expired on your back, knees, and memory. Luckily your lifetime warranty on your heart is still in effect. Of course, that becomes void and expires when you do.

In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.

In spite of all our speeding it's still the style to be late.

Intelligent people are always on the unpopular side of anything.

It ain't a bad plan to keep still occasionally even when you know what you're talking about.

It don't make no difference what is is, a woman'll buy anything she thinks a store is losin' money on.

It is no disgrace to be poor, but it might as well be.

It seems that nothing ever gets to going good till there's a few resignations

It's what a fellow thinks he knows that hurts him.

Kindness goes a long ways lots of times when it ought to stay at home.

Knowin' all about baseball is just about as profitable as bein' a good whittler.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Weep, an' it keeps on laughin'.

Litigation: A form of hell whereby money is transferred from the pockets of the proletariat to that of lawyers.

Look out for the people who allow you to do all the talking.

Lots of fellows think a home is only good to borrow money on.

Making a long stay short is a great aid to popularity.

Most parents don't worry about a daughter until she fails to show up for breakfast.

Never tell the box-office man that you can't hear well or he will sell you a seat where can can't see either.

No matter how much strong black coffee we drink, almost any after- dinner speech will counteract it.

No woman can be handsome by the force of features alone, any more that she can be witty by only the help of speech.