Karl Pilkington quotes:

I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling. But in reality, you're stuck on a boat that's bobbing up and down, you feel sick, the whale isn't there on demand.

I think it's a problem when something's a dream because it'll never live up to your expectations. It's better to go somewhere thinking it'll be horrible, and then be pleasantly surprised.

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

I am into nature and seeing whales. I went whale-watching, and I was really looking forward to that, but when you see it on TV and you see other programs do it, you're seeing close-ups of these massive creatures, and the music that's added gives you a certain feeling.

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

People eat duck and you think, well, we've got loads of chickens, leave the ducks alone!

Being honest with you, it's not the 'great' wall of China. It's an all right wall. It's the 'All Right Wall of China.'

I love nature - it's probably my most favorite thing. I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

I had a bad experience doing public speaking at school. I had to talk about a pen for five minutes and it was really hard work. I couldn't wait to get off the stage.

I found that being with happy positive people annoys me.

I don't think I'd be a very good parent. I'd be too honest.

Me mum used to always have the radio on - even now she has it on in every room. Me girlfriend sort of blames that reason for me not doing that well at school - constant noise, really.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

I've never thought about it before, but I suppose bad people might need someone to pray to, too.

That's the problem with having a bald head. It exaggerates the shape.

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

I've never worried about life's big questions.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

I don't want to go about offending people; that's not my plan.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

I'm not invited to any exciting parties and my life hasn't really changed.

We should all love animals.

Making the 'An Idiot Abroad' series, I was really dreading going to India; I thought I'd hate it. It was a nightmare, and I was really ill - just like everyone says.

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

I'd rather live in a cave with a view of a palace than live in a palace with a view of a cave.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoosbut we never saw his wife.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt."

In the sea you've got to be constantly sort of alert. It's worse in the sea [than anywhere else in the animal kingdom]. In the sea you've got an enemy behind every rock.

If you had five photos of anuses, I could not point mine out.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse

People moan about drugs being tested on animals. I sort of think it depends innit. If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it right?

Avocados, it's a food that ain't worth injuring yourself for. If it's a hassle to get into, leave it to the experts.

As long as you're remembering baby Jesus, does it matter when you're remembering him. That's what I'm saying about Christmas, I might not be in the mood for it December 25th.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book

It's weird how me and that insect are miles apart in terms of lifestyle, yet we both like a biscuit.

Blind people can stay up longer than someone with eyes.

Shitty nappy whizzing through the air, you don't see that in the brochures.

By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

Why didn't evolution make a giraffe good at carpentry so it could build a ladder?

Sometimes you can know too much. A lot of brainy people like Stephen Fry are quite depressive.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

Who'd have thought the Frisbee would have caught on?

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

If you live in a glass house, don't be chucking stuff about.

I came face-to-face with a gorilla which was quite good, but it was a 10-hour trek in bad weather, up hills, covered in mud, with mosquitoes everywhere and when we got there the gorilla's just sat there doing nowt.

It's just hassle of having friends and family an' that.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

With identical twins, you always get a little snidey one.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

I'm just sayin', I don't like fun

You know, when you're a producer, you're a bit of a lackey. You're just making cups of tea and making sure they've got newspaper, stuff like that.

If you are living the dream, how do you know if you are asleep or awake?

I don't know any Londoners 'cos I'm from Manchester.

Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.

I was impressed by the Taj Mahal. A good bit of work, well looked after, worth paying money to see.

They do it in Thai restaurants in London. You ask for a drink, and it comes in a glass with loads of seaweed and pebbles in it like a scene from Finding Nemo.

I've got loads of nieces and nephews.

It's like the panda, they say that's dying out. But what do they do? When you see them they're just sitting in the jungle eating

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.'

I've been on the planet for 40 years now, and I'm still none the wiser as to what it's all about really. I've never worried about life's big questions. People at my age sit about pondering about 'why are we here?' The only time I ever asked meself that is when Suzanne booked us a surprise holiday to Lanzarote.

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

How would I know which one I was?

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

All fame is is having people you don't know coming up to you and saying, 'Hello.' I'm always polite and people are always nice, but it's weird.

Where you are is what you eat. When I'm in London I'll have beans on toast for lunch. On holiday - what? Tapas? Go on then I'll have a bit. You eat whatevers in that area.

The Tudors, I don't even know if I had a family back then.

Heaven? Floating about with everyone you ever knew for eternity? Me family does me 'ed in after one day at xmas, I'd rather be mush.

When you've been on a programme called 'An Idiot Abroad' job offers aren't exactly flying in.

People say if bees die out, the world would end, apparently. Now, I don't know if that's true, if that's some bee enthusiast who managed to write a good document, and people believe this.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?

I drive a car, like an adult. Not brilliantly. I'm not great.

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

Chinese people age overnight.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

Everyone is living for everyone else now. They're doing stuff so they can tell other people about it. I don't get all that social media stuff, I've always got other things I want to do - odd jobs around the house. No one wants to hear about that.

I'm not that lazy, but I don't need that much money. I lead a fairly simple life.

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

It's not easy keeping a diary. You have to be pretty committed.

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.

Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

[Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

A block of blood should not have the word "cake" after it...they might as well say "shite gateau

A dog has got human eyes.

A problem solved is a problem caused.

A single vision is more perfect than a committee vision because with everyone having their say, it becomes compromised.

Apparently you're not allowed to lick a toad's back.

At some point, some insect has had sex with a leaf.

At what point is a wasp ever going to have a chat with a spider?

Be the ugly one, look at the nice one.

Cat food. It stinks a bit, but if you don't put up with the smell, the little kitten will die.

Classes teaching you how to breathe. I'm 32, I think I've got the hang of it.

Comedy's really subjective, you know.

Could the world fall?

Does the brain control you or are you controlling the brain? I don't know if I'm in charge of mine.

Every problem solved is a problem made.

Every step starts with a step.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

Fishing: I don't really like it. I don't really like the expression on the fish's face.

From someone whose dad buys him a spade for Christmas, I thought you'd be grateful!

Happiness is like a cake: have too much of it and you get sick of it.

I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.