Judy Tenuta quotes:

This guy says, "I'm perfect for you, 'cause I'm a cross between a macho man and a sensitive man." I said, "Oh, a gay trucker?"

I'm half-Italian and half-Polish. So I'm always putting a hit out on myself.

I turned down a date once because I was looking for someone a little closer to the top of the food chain.

I got an A in philosophy because I proved my professor didn't exist.

Love Goddess in training. It could happen.

You can't get a body like mine in a bottle unless you push real hard.

My mother always told me I wouldn't amount to anything because I procrastinate. I said, "Just wait."

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit a suicide?

What do men want? Men want a mattress that cooks.

Friends are just enemies who don't have enough guts to kill you....