Johnny Carson quotes:

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.

I know a man who gave up smoking, drinking, sex, and rich food. He was healthy right up to the day he killed himself.

Egyptian President Sadat had a belly dancer entertain President Nixon at a state dinner. Mr. Nixon was really impressed. He hadn't seen contortions like that since Rose Mary Woods.

For days after death hair and fingernails continue to grow, but phone calls taper off.

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.

In 1932, lame duck president Herbert Hoover was so desperate to remain in the White House that he dressed up as Eleanor Roosevelt. When FDR discovered the hoax in 1936, the two men decided to stay together for the sake of the children.

For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off.

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas.

Never continue in a job you don't enjoy. If you're happy in what you're doing, you'll like yourself, you'll have inner peace. And if you have that, along with physical health, you will have had more success than you could possibly have imagined.

A two-pound turkey and a fifty-pound cranberry-that's Thanksgiving dinner at Three Mile Island.

Talent alone won't make you a success. Neither will being in the right place at the right time, unless you are ready. The most important question is: 'Are your ready?'

If it weren't for Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of television, we'd still be eating frozen radio dinners.

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.It was so hot today I saw a pigeon walking in the shadow of Orson Welles.It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself.

I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.

We're more effective than birth control pills.

The only thing money gives you is the freedom of not worrying about money.

Never use a big word when a little filthy one will do.

I have no use for eight houses, 88 cars and 500 suits. I can't eat but one steak at a time. I don't want but one woman. It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth.

Pie throwing is kind of a lost art, and although it may be a rather rudimentary, burlesque humor, there's something inherently funny about taking a pie in the face, under the right conditions.

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won't hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

Democracy is the eagle on the back of a dollar bill, with 13 arrows in one claw, 13 leaves on a branch, 13 tail feathers, and 13 stars over its head - this signifies that when the white man came to this country, it was bad luck for the Indians, bad luck for the trees, bad luck for the wildlife, and lights out for the American eagle.

Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, "if you want it your way, cook it yourself."

What's all this fuss about plutonium? How can something named after a Disney character be dangerous?

My success just evolved from working hard at the business at hand each day.

NBC's a little jealous of CNN correspondent Wolf Blitzer. They want to get a reporter with a macho-sounding name too, so they're changing Irving R. Levine's name to Scud Shrapnel.

Americans, too many of them, take themselves too seriously. You're going to get rapped - by the viewers, by the sponsors and by the network brass - if you joke about doctors, lawyers, dentists, scientists, bus drivers, I don't care who. You can't make a joke about Catholics, Negroes, Jews, Italians, politicians, dogs or cats. In fact, politicians, dogs and cats are the most sacred institutions in America.

From the time I was a little kid, I was always shy. Performing was when I was outgoing. So I guess I am a loner. I get claustrophobia if a lot of people are around.

There's only one critic whose opinion I really value, in the final analysis: Johnny Carson. I have never needed any entourage standing around bolstering my ego. I'm secure. I know exactly who and what I am. I don't need to be told. I make no apologies for being the way I am.

I think it's almost immoral to keep on with a marriage that's really bad. It just gets more and more rotten and vindictive and everybody gets more and more hurt. There's not enough honesty about marriage, I think. I wish more people would face the truth about their marital situations.

The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

They say atomic rad-i-ation can hurt your reproductive organs. My answer is, so can a hockey stick. But we don't stop building them.

According to statistics, it's a lot easier to get hit by lightning than to win a Lotto jackpot. The good side: you don't hear from your relatives.

I can empathize with President [George Bush]. I know what it feels like having a young guy waiting around for you to keel over.

Happiness is seeing the muscular lifeguard all the girls were admiring leave the beach hand in hand with another muscular lifeguard.

I can't say I ever wanted to become an entertainer. I already was one, sort of-around the house, at school, doing my magic tricks, throwing my voice and doing Popeye impersonations. People thought I was funny; so I kind of took entertaining for granted It was inevitable that I'd start giving little performances.

I've worked ever since I was a kid with a two-bit kit of magic tricks trying to improve my skills at entertaining whatever public I had - and to make myself ready, whenever the breaks came, to entertain a wider and more demanding public.

Married men live longer than single men. But married men are a lot more willing to die.

Happiness is.....finding two olives in your martini when youre hungry.

There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."

Pittsburgh is kind of like Newark without the cultural advantages.

Happiness is sitting down to watch some slides of your neighbor's vacation and finding out that he spent two weeks in a nudist colony.

Never ask your wife if she still hears from her old pimp.

If God didn't want man to hunt, He wouldn't have given us plaid shirts.

When a comic becomes enamored with his own views and foists them off on the public in a polemic way, he loses not only his sense of humor but his value as a humorist.

The difference between a divorce and a legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

As for being sociable, I hate the phoniness in the showbiz world. I know this will be taken wrong, but I don't like clubs and organizations. I was never a joiner.

Do you know my dream? I really want to become an aluminum-siding salesman.

I know a guy who gave up smoking cigarettes, consuming, sex, and wealthy meals.

We resort, frankly, to pies, which is a comedy staple that's gone back, I guess, to since the first pie was ever baked.

I get sick of that old rationalization, "We're staying together because of the children." Kids couldn't be more miserable living with parents who can't stand each other. They're far better off if there's an honest, clean divorce.

Happiness is having a rare steak, a bottle of whiskey, and a dog to eat the rare steak.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford - an actor and a stuntman.

I know you've been married to the same woman for 69 years. That is marvelous. It must be very inexpensive.

When turkeys mate they think of swans.

Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.

The best way to thaw a frozen turkey? Blow in it's ear.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn't grow up can be vice president.

As long as I don't commit any crimes, you have no right to judge me except by my performance as a professional. On that level, you're welcome to think whatever you want about me.

People will pay more to be entertained than educated.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

I'm often asked, 'What is your favorite moment during the 30 years you hosted The Tonight Show?' I really don't have just one. The times I enjoyed the most were the spontaneous, unplanned segments that just happened, like Ed Ames' infamous 'Tomahawk Toss' that produced one of the longest laughs in television history. When these lucky moments happen, you just go with them and enjoy the experience and high of the moment.

Despite the fact that computer speeds are measured in nanoseconds and picoseconds - one billionth and one trillionth of a second, respectively - the smallest interval of time known to man is that which occurs in Manhattan between the traffic signal turning green and the taxi driver behind you blowing his horn.

The price of Christmas toys is outrageous - a hundred dollars, two hundred dollars for video games for the youngsters. I remember a Christmas years ago when my son was a kid. I bought him a tank. It was about a hundred dollars, a lot of money in those days. It was the kind of tank you could actually get inside and ride in. He played in the box it came in. It taught me a very valuable lesson. Next year he got a box. And I got a hundred dollars' worth of scotch.

Some sad news from Australia... the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Happiness is seeing your son drafted the same day he's been accepted to an expensive college.

Happiness is discovering the prune juice your doctor ordered you to drink has fermented.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead.

George Burns has been on my show twenty or thirty times, or maybe more. How can you turn down a guy that age?

In Hollywood if you don't have a shrink, people think you're crazy.

The vast majority of us don't want to face the fact that we're in the middle of a sweeping social revolution. In sex. In spiritual values. In opposition to wars no one wants. In opposition to government big-brotherhood. In civil rights. In basic human goals. They're all facets of a general upheaval.

Happiness is being stuck in an elevator and discovering the ravishing blonde with you is a liquor salesman with a case of samples.

How much of the national news that you report to the public each night consists of information you've actually gone out and dug up on your own?

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

I can't go anywhere without being bugged by somebody. I'd love to just hike out down the street, or drop in a restaurant, or wander in the park, or take my kids somewhere without collecting a trail of people. But I can't.

I loved the towns I grew up in as a boy, and after I became a celebrity, I went back several times. I would have had the time of my life seeing the old places and the old faces again, but the attitude of those same people was, "I guess you're so big we bore you now."

I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact.

I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.

I wouldn't have the slightest interest in running for public office. I'd rather make jokes about politicians than become one of them.

I don't run with anybody's herd. I don't like crowds. I don't like going to fancy places. I don't like the whole nightclub scene. Cocktail parties drive me mad. So I do my job and I stay away from the rest of it.

Democracy is buying a big house you can't afford with money you don't have to impress people you wish were dead. And, unlike communism, democracy does not mean having just one ineffective political party; it means having two ineffective political parties.

I'm an entertainer, not a commentator. If you're a comedian your job is to make people laugh.

Adults ask questions as a child does. When you stop wondering, you might as well put your rocker on the front porch and call it a day.

Everybody I meet in public seems to want to audition for me. If I ask a guy what time it is, he'll sing it to me.

Talking about sexual morality, I wouldn't agree that it's declining, but it's certainly changing. Young and old, we are very much in the process of taking a fresh look at the whole issue of morality. The only decline that's taking place - and it's about time - is in the old puritanical concept that sex is equated with sin.

I heard from my cat's lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

Only lie about the future.

I feel the one sensible thing you can do is try to live in a way that pleases you. If you don't hurt anybody else, what you do is your own business.

The closest thing to Roseanne Barr's singing the national anthem was my cat being neutered.

You become successful, the way I see it, only if you're good enough to deliver what the public enjoys. If you're not, you won't have any audience; so the performer really has more to do with his success than the public does.

An oxymoron? What's that? A moron who studies at Oxford?

Whatever you do, you're going to be criticized.

Audiences have proved time and again that they don't want a steady diet of any entertainer airing his social views - especially if he's a comedian.

I'm not one of those who spring up yelling, "Yippee! Another day!" I'll grumble and sulk around a couple of hours, reading newspapers and trying to pick out an idea I might do something with on the show. But I don't really start functioning until noon or later; then about two I go to the studio and the pace begins to quicken.

Air Canada. That's a good name for a Canadian airline.

Happiness is a tiger in your tank and a pussycat in your back seat.

It's silly to have as one's sole object in life just making money, accumulating wealth. I work because I enjoy what I'm doing, and the fact that I make money at it - big money - is a fine-and-dandy side fact. Money gives me just one big thing that's really important, and that's the freedom of not having to worry about money. I'm concerned about values - moral, ethical, human values - my own, other people's, the country's, the world's values. Having money now gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Having money gives me the freedom to worry about the things that really matter.

Never marry a girl named 'Marie' who used to be known as 'Murray'.

I'm an entertainer; I try to give the public what it wants while I'm on the screen, and I'm completely sincere about it. If I don't happen to be a laughing boy off the screen, that doesn't make me a hypocrite or a phony.

I play my life straight - the way I see it. I'm grateful to audiences for watching me and for enjoying what I do - but I'm not one of those who believe that a successful entertainer is made by the public, as is so often said.

I think students ought to have the right to protest, but not to the point of anarchy.

Entertainment is like any other major industry; it's cold, big business. The business end wants to know one thing: Can you do the job? If you can, you're in, you're made; if you can't, you're out.

I demand my right to a private life, just as I respect that right for everybody else.

There are very few Japanese Jews. As a result, there is no Japanese word for Alan King.

Democracy is welcoming people from other lands, and giving them something to hold onto. Usually a mop or a leaf blower.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!!

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment spread out over a four-hour show.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called "sucking up to the stars.

I am one of the lucky people in the world; I found something I always wanted to do, and I have enjoyed every single minute of it.

There's a lot of hypocrisy in audiences. I'd never dream of telling even on a nightclub stage, let alone my show, some of the jokes that are told in a lot of the living rooms from which we get those letters!

There's a big difference between being a loner and being lonely. I'm far from lonely. My day is full of things I enjoy, starting with my show. Any time my work is going well and I have a relationship with a woman that's pretty solid, that does it for me.

People are brought up to think, "It's nice to be modest. It's nice to hide your light under a bushel." Well, bullshit! I've never bought that. In my business, the only thing you've really got is your talent; it's the only thing you have to sell.

Find me any performer anywhere who isn't egocentric. You'd better believe you're good, or you've got no business being out there.

I don't think it's you that changes with success - it's the people around you who change. Because of your new status, they change in relation to you.