Joe Rogan quotes:

The only time I commit to conspiracy theories is when something way retarded happens. Like Lee Harvey Oswald acting alone.

As a longtime practitioner of yoga and a person who's been involved in physical fitness my whole life, I can tell you, yoga helps you achieve altered states of consciousness. It is not just stretching. The only way you can say that it's stretching is if you haven't done it, or that you haven't done it rigorously for a long period of time.

I think that one of the reasons why people look towards the end of humanity is that people are afraid to die alone. If you die alone, the people you love will miss you, or if they die, you miss them - the sorrow is inevitable. When you truly love someone, the thought of losing them forever is horrible.

Because I have a girlfriend, I try and take the straight and narrow path, which is good because it prevents VD.

The two things I understand best are stand-up comedy and martial arts. And those things require an ultimate grasp of the truth. You have to be objective about your skills and abilities to compete in both.

Phil Hartman was brilliant, and Dave Foley is a really funny guy. Phil Hartman was actually even funnier offstage than he was onstage because he would say nasty things. Dave Foley's very funny, very witty guy, very quick.

The Comedy Store in LA, it's a really loose room and it's really dark and creepy and a great place to explore your own thoughts onstage.

The comics I hate are thieves. Nothing's more disgusting than a guy who steals another person's ideas and tries to claim them as his own.

Never stay in a bad marriage, and don't hang around with psycho coke fiends.

Apartment living is tough action. Just the whole idea that you share a washer and dryer always freaked me out.

It never hurt Lenny Bruce's career to get arrested for swearing. It did back in the time, but he broke those doors down by doing the stuff that he believed in.

You're sort of programmed a certain way because of your environment. That's all you know. But we don't have that anymore because of the internet. Because of the internet we're all communicating with each other all across the board, so you're getting information from people all around the world, hitting a much more diverse slice of culture.

No matter how civilized we are and how much society has curbed violent behavior. Human beings still have the same genes they had 10,000 years ago. Our bodies are designed to have a certain amount of physical stress and violence in them. We're designed to run from jaguars and fight to defend our territory.

Faith itself is a horrible mechanism that stunts the growth of ideas. It also stunts the act of questioning, and it does this by pushing the idea that you have to have faith - and that nothing has to be proven.

The audience changes every night. You're the same person. You have to speak your mind and do the stuff that you think is funny and makes you laugh.

Dick Gregory was a great comedian who went and got arrested, did hunger strikes, protests. It never hurt his career to be outspoken.

Comedy is really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title.

The misconception is that standup comics are always on. I don't know any really funny comics that are annoying and constantly trying to be funny all the time.

I had a great time on News Radio, I got to make tons of money in relative obscurity and learn a lot about the TV biz and work on my standup act constantly. It was a dream gig.

We're constantly re-evaluating the potential for life. We're finding it where we didn't think it could exist, such as volcanic vents and other extreme conditions like under arctic ice. We're finding life in these incredibly harsh and dynamic conditions, so we're having to re-evaluate our own ideas of what's possible on this planet alone.

If you can lie, you can act, and if you can lie to crazy girlfriends, you can act under pressure.

What's interesting about science is that we're constantly discovering new things about the universe, about ourselves, about our bodies, about diseases, about the possibilities of the future. It's amazing. Science is one of the coolest things about being a human being - without a doubt.

I never in my wildest imagination dreamed that I would somehow become a sports commentator.

If I could make the same amount of money doing standup it would be no contest. The problem is that if you do make that kind of money doing standup, it's not in clubs, it's in big auditoriums and large venues, and I really think something is lost when you do standup for a big crowd.

People for the most part can smell lies.

To me, comedy is a great occupation because I don't really worry that much about what other people think of me.

Being a celebrity or anything else where you're really ambitious, it's really a game to see how successful you can get.

Your body's really only meant to compete at the highest levels of combat sports for a few years.

I really never had any ambitions to be a standup comic. I was talked into it by guys that I used to work out with.

On my left knee I have a long scar from an ACL operation. I've had both knees reconstructed.

You are one miniscule piece of a never-ending cycle. In fact, you're not even a piece. You're just a holder for billions and billions of other pieces. Whether that's organic components, living organisms inside your body, bacteria or whatever it is, you're just part of the soup of the universe, so just try to enjoy what's good about it.

I don`t like people that make their living talking about bullshit, and you see them in many shows that are made on the same subject. When you go looking at UFOs or bigfoot or what-have-you, there's just nothing there.

Maybe we can combine 2 things that everybody loves. Helping out the poor and blow jobs.

If someone plays a brooding actor in a film, people think they're brooding all the time.

Build confidence and momentum with each good decision you make from here on out and choose to be inspired.

People say you can abuse marijuana. You can abuse cheeseburgers. Does that mean we should close Burger Kings.

The Universe rewards calculated risk and passion

There's a very famous Miyamoto Musashi quote. "Once you understand the way broadly, you can see it in all things." The idea is once you understand what excellence is all about, whether it's in painting, or carpentry or martial arts, that you see how that excellence manifests itself in any discipline. I think that all the different things that I do enhance all the other things that I do.

The number one reason why marijuana is illegal is because the Pharma Cartel does not want you to grow your own medicine. The Declaration of Independence was written on hemp paper. The first car ever made ran on hemp oil. Hemp seeds are also the healthiest food on the planet with the highest protein content out of any plant.

Peter Joseph is asking the questions and proposing the possible solutions that we should be demanding from the elected leaders of this crazy world. His brilliant analysis of this ridiculous system we're operating under is one of the most important voices for change in this generation.

A unicorn is a donkey from the future

I see martial arts as moving forms of meditation. When you're sparring or drilling techniques, you can't think of anything else.

If you haven't peed the bed, you haven't taken enough chances.

If the world was an etch-a-sketch, glaciers are the big shake.

What people like are things to laugh at. Funny shows. It's all in the execution, the writing and the characters, not the setting. And the writing and the execution and the characters are GREAT on (Everybody Loves Raymond).

When someone comes along and expresses him or herself as freely as they think, people flock to it. They enjoy it.

That's my only goal. Surround myself with funny people, and make sure everyone has a good time and works hard.

The people I know that have the hardest time keeping it together emotionally are people that don't workout.

When you snatch little pieces of other people's lives and try to palm them off as your own, that's more disgusting than anything. Robin Williams is a huge thief. Denis Leary is a huge thief. His whole stand-up career is based on Bill Hicks, a brilliant guy who died years ago.

Martial arts are a vehicle for developing your human potential.

I realized a long time ago that instead of being jealous you can be inspired and appreciative. It carries more energy to you... That can be an awesome motivating force that can improve your life if you choose to be inspired and not jealous. One (being jealous) has no benefit whatsoever, the other is an incredible resource for creating momentum and improvement.

I've been involved in mixed martial arts since 1997 when I first started working for the UFC.

I've done jiujitsu a huge chunk of my life, and I try to spend a lot of time educating people on the nuances, the subtleness of the ground game. It's a big part of mixed martial arts.

I realized a long time ago that instead of being jealous you can be inspired and appreciative. It carries more energy to you.

If you attach your mind to any ideology, you're going to be on a road, and that road may or may not lead you in a good direction. But you're gonna stay on that road because you are attached to an ideology. It could be a terrible road, but you stick with it regardless of rational thinking.

The planet's spinning a thousand miles an hour around this gigantic nuclear explosion while these people roll these machines with rubber tires over this hard surface that we've laid down over the planet so that we can easily move ourselves back and forth.

My act is so completely and totally uncensored that the only way I could really pull it off is if I treat the audience like they're my best friends.

If you ever start taking things too seriously, just remember that we are talking monkeys on an organic spaceship flying through the universe.

If you are the greatest, why would you go around talking about it?

It's impossible to measure the type of mental strength and determination that's required to be an elite wrestler.

I'm afraid of heights. Not unreasonably, but rationally afraid of heights. I think everyone is.

I had seen movies before that that had made me laugh, but I had never seen anything even remotely close to as funny as Richard Pryor was, just standing there talking.

Richard Pryor is, in my mind, the most honest comedian. He bared his soul to people. I think that's why everybody loved him so much.

I talk so much about sex that girls just want to meet me.

Selling your life to sit in a box and work for a machine. An uncaring machine that demands productivity that doesn't understand you and doesn't want to understand you... There's no natural behaviour. Everyone is wearing clothes they don't want to wear. Everybody is showing up and doing something they don't want to do. They have no connection to it. That's the problem with our society...

Although not considered a martial art, boxing is really a martial art. It's a very limited martial art as long as you agree to just box... but in an actual physical fight against someone who's just a wrestler, you're going to get killed.

When you're jealous, especially of someone else's art or creations you automatically put up these selfish walls that reinforce your stupid ideas. It's hard to pull those walls down and look at what you're hiding. Look at your own weakness and realize that the jealousy came from knowing that you're intimidated by someone else's work, and that when you compare it to your own, you fall short.

I wouldn't totally rule out doing Letterman or the Tonight Show if I had a set that I just happened to write that I thought was funny but was still appropriate for network censors. But I'm not going to go out of my way.

Reality really is theater. There's no other way to describe it. It's all so nonsensical, ridiculous and chaotic.

Any comic like myself owes everything he has to Lenny Bruce. He was the originator. The godfather of uncensored American stand-up is clearly Lenny Bruce.

I do cagefight commentary in my spare time.

I'm a huge Groucho fan. There were some great comic minds that would transfer into any generation, and Groucho is certainly one of them.

It's painful for me to watch someone who isn't funny. It's horrifying to sit in the back and watch some guy who just totally sucks.

So many times I've done a CD, and then the week after I record it, I've got this new tagline that's killer. And it makes the whole bit better. It happens all the time. But that's just the process of comedy.

This country has a mental health problem disguised as a gun problem, and a tyranny problem disguised as a security problem.

So instead of investing your time in a passion, you've sold your life to work for an uncaring machine that doesn't understand you. That's the problem with our society. And what's the reward? Go home and get a big TV.

For many people the reason why they're idiots is not necessarily that their brain doesn't work well, it's that they got in a terrible pattern.

Live your life like you're the hero in your movie.

There's only 2 reasons that you hate gay marriage; 1. You're dumb, or 2. You're secretly worried that dicks are delicious.

The people who could most benefit from the self-reflective ego-dissolving qualities of cannabis are the ones that want it to be illegal.

To really appreciate life you got to know you're going to die.

The quicker we all realize that we've been taught how to live life by people that were operating on the momentum of an ignorant past the quicker we can move to a global ethic of community that doesn't value invented borders or the monopolization of natural resources, but rather the goal of a happier more loving humanity.

Choose To Be Inspired.

One of the great things about Houston is that they police themselves. It's the way Boston was in the '80s. No hacks or thieves are tolerated in the community, and that's HUGE.

There's a direct correlation between positive energy and positive results.

Aspire to be the man you pretend to be when you're trying to get laid.

For those that have said I seemed dickish to some of the nuttier guests on Joe Rogan Questions Everything - guilty as charged. As the season wore on I lost my patience with some of those folks unfortunately. I think I overdosed on ridiculous/likely fake stories. I certainly learned a lot about the kind of people that invest a large portion of their life on fringe subjects - they're all white. I think there's something interesting about the subjects, (UFOS, etc) but the study of them has often been overrun by silly thinking.

The time you spend hating on someone robs you of your own time. You are literally hating on yourself and you don't even realize it.

If you're dumb enough to do crack, you're supposed to die. It's evolution.

We have to start treating each other as if we are treating ourselves living another life.

It's been one of the most important tools for me in personal growth for understanding myself, how I am, and what effect I do have on other people.

Life is strange. You keep moving and keep growing. Before you know it, you look back and think, "What was that?"

After this whole acting thing is over and done, you eventually have to be human. Some people are never human. It's very weird.

The sensory deprivation chamber has been the most important tool that I've ever used for developing my mind

Be the hero of your own story.

The key to happiness doesn't lay in numbers in a bank account but in the way we make others feel.

I want to make sure that everything that I'm creating, I'm creating it so other people get enjoyment out of it. And that's the reward that you get for that.

One of the most fascinating lessons I've absorbed about life is that the struggle is good.

You're just part of the soup of the universe, so just try to enjoy what's good about it.

I've been inspired by a shitload of people in my life so if there's ever anybody that I can inspire, to me that's a huge gift. To be able to turn that back around.

I don't know much about the music business, but for just general advice for someone trying to create things, as simple as this sounds, I think the best thing you can do is constantly try to improve upon your work. Always focus on that first and foremost, and leave everything else (marketing, image) completely secondary. Obviously, easier said than done when you're trying to make a living, but if you can move along those lines and earnestly try to make things that you really enjoy it can only benefit you in the long run.

The beautiful thing about podcasting is it's just talking. It can be funny, or it can be terrifying. It can be sweet. It can be obnoxious. It almost has no definitive form. In that sense it's one of the best ways to explore an idea, and certainly much less limiting than trying to express the same idea in stand up comedy. For some ideas stand up is best, but it's really, really nice to have podcasts as well.

I think it would do a lot of people good just to realize how vulnerable they are.

Kindness is one of the best gifts you can bestow... We know that inherently that feels great.

I'll go to church with anyone who's willing to smoke pot and look through a telescope with me.

If life wasn't real it would be the craziest psychedelic trip ever

Greatness and madness are next door neighbours; and they borrow each other's sugar. You don't get there without the other.

We live in a society that makes it really easy for these pussies to get by.

I don't really like actors. Actors are like terrible comedians with no punch lines. It's all about them. They talk about themselves all the time. They bore the sh - t out of you.

There's a never-ending ocean of techniques out there.

If I could, I would live in Houston, and I would encourage any comic starting out looking for a good place to develop to move there.

There's a lot of people that I disagree with that I think I could have interesting conversations with. What I don't want to get into is manufactured conflict. I would much rather talk to someone like Dr. Rhonda Patrick or Randall Carlson and be mesmerized by information. I guess in a way that's selfish, or maybe not objective of me. The older (and hopefully wiser) I get the less interested I am in conflict. I don't mind disagreeing with people in a civil way, but I definitely don't want to go out of my way to have an argument unless it's a really important subject.

You can't measure what's inside a man's heart.

Having the privilege of sitting down and having 3 hour long uninterrupted conversations with hundreds of brilliant people is an awesome perspective enhancer.

I always try to look at conflicts from as many different angles as is humanly possible, and in a lot of ways there is no one answer.

In order to be truly great at something you have to give into a certain amount of madness.

Stand-up is still my favorite, but the podcast is a close second. It's so fun, and it's given me the oppor-tunity to have three-hour conversations with people I wouldn't have otherwise been able to talk to. When I talked to Maynard Keenan from Tool, I almost couldn't believe it was happening.

Comedy is a funny thing, and it's really not like any other art form in that it's very specialized and varied in it's content, but generic in it's title. You would never go to a club just to see "Live music," you would go to a jazz club to see jazz, a blues club to see blues, etc. But when you go to see "standup comedy," if you don't know the performers material, you really don't have any idea what you're gonna get.

Our entire civilization is built on a foundation of unfixable bullshit.

It's a very strange thing when you make nature illegal.