Joe Bob Briggs quotes:

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  • Apparently we love our own cell phones but we hate everyone else's.

  • Everything changed in Bosnia, when General Wesley Clark proved that you could fight a war with high- level precision air strikes and a bare minimum of ground action.

  • The Italians always made good wine, but you had the impression they were friendly guys in straw hats running family vineyards with slaves or something so that the vino was never more than ten bucks a bottle.

  • Speaking of things that'll make your head explode, "Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story" finally made it to the drive-in

  • SURE-FIRE SINGLES AD: Famous Writer needs woman to organize his life and spend his money. Loves to turn off Sunday football and go to the Botanical Gardens with that special someone. Will obtain plastic surgery if necessary.

  • Discourse is fleeting, but junk mail is forever.

  • A universal draft is most often the instrument of Third World dictators.

  • As I've said many times, the single most oppressed class in America right now is the teenager.

  • There is no post-9/11. Everything from now until the end of time is post-9/11.

  • Faith is like a kernel of wheat.

  • The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

  • Almost every venerable tradition at a men's club starts out as a joke.

  • If you hate what you're seeing, you call it sex and violence. If you like it, you call it "romance and adventure."

  • You're not a real Texan till you've been kicked out of every decent state in America.

  • It's not a crime to get drunk.

  • In some European theaters, it's still not uncommon to have a late start and three LONG intermissions, because people actually eat and drink and converse during the intermissions.

  • I AM a male chauvinist. Who's been saying otherwise?

  • I made the mistake of watching "A.I." on cable the week they showed it about 792 times, and I ended up watching it every time it was on.

  • The fifties were when people started coming down on "juvenile delinquents," "hoodlums," "vandals"--anybody that was young, wore a motorcycle jacket, and didn't act polite around older people.

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