Jimmy Kimmel quotes:

On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.

It's funny how all of this has worked out - I wasn't popular in high school, but now every drunken guy in the United States wants to be my pal. They all want to buy me a shot, and pretty soon I'm throwing up.

You can say Pizza Hut is terrible pizza, but they also sell more pizzas than anybody else.

At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.

The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.

My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.

I have like fifteen televisions in my house.

Real emotion is good - or doing a good job of faking real emotion.

There's an air of mystery around the Masons, but the reality is that they're mostly a bunch of veterans getting drunk in a lodge that they've built to look like a temple. It's just a bunch of guys trying to get away from their wives.

I describe myself as a human being.

I still love comic books. When you have a kid, that's an excuse to keep reading all the comic books.

If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.

No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.

That's my main flaw: I always think authority figures or my boss is going to think something I do is funny. And usually they don't.

I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.

When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.

My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians.

I go to Costco every weekend. It's my favorite part of the week.

Almost every week, someone's mad at me.

I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.

When I was on the radio, I used to be able to go a lot farther than I can now. You don't really remember until you're on the radio again, sometimes in your old radio station and sitting with the guys you used to work with and you go, 'Oh yeah, I can't say these things anymore. I'm handcuffed.'

I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie?

I only get unusual ailments.