Jimmy Fallon quotes:

Researches at Yale found a connection between brain cancer and work environment. The No. 1 most dangerous job for developing brain cancer? Plutonium hat model.

I wanted to be the next Dana Carvey. This was my ultimate goal. If I ever cut into a birthday cake and made a wish, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I threw a coin into a fountain, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.' If I saw a shooting star, I would wish to be on 'Saturday Night Live.'

I'd do entire music videos in my bedroom, where I used to stand in front of my television memorizing the moves to Michael Jackson's 'Beat It.'

Thank you, hard taco shells, for surviving the long journey from factory, to supermarket, to my plate and then breaking the moment I put something inside you. Thank you.

My wife and I got engaged in New Hampshire at this lake house that her family's had forever, and it's on Lake Winnipesaukee. And so we went there every summer as we were dating.

Arnold Schwarzenegger's publicist told USA Today that the actor has not ruled out running for governor of California, saying that he will make a decision soon. Reportedly Arnold needs that time to learn how to pronounce 'gubernatorial.'

L.A., it's nice, but I think of sunshine and people on rollerblades eating sushi. New York, I think of nighttime, I think of Times Square and Broadway and nightlife and the city that never sleeps.

Thank you... 'Real Housewives of Atlanta,' for demonstrating a universal truth: Idiots like me will always watch idiots like you fight on TV. You will forever be in my TiVo.

I was into the Mets because my Dad worked at IBM where he got free Mets tickets, so I was into the Mets... then I got to 'Saturday Night Live' where my boss has unbelievable N.Y. Yankees tickets, so he invites us to the games. I'm going to all the games, so I might as well root for the team I'm gonna go sit with.

Thank you... Apple, for adding a camera to the iPod Nano. Now it's just like the iPhone except it can't make calls. So basically, it's just like the iPhone.

Thank you... adjustable baseball caps with no logo on the front and mesh netting in the back, for being a great way to say, 'Hi, I'm over 80 years old.'

Don't keep reaching for the stars because you'll just look like an idiot stretching that way for no reason.

If you're a sports fan you realize that when you meet somebody, like a girlfriend, they kind of have to root for your team. They don't have a choice.

My parents were kind of over protective people. Me and my sister had to play in the backyard all the time. They bought us bikes for Christmas but wouldn't let us ride in the street, we had to ride in the backyard. Another Christmas, my dad got me a basketball hoop and put it in the middle of the lawn! You can't dribble on grass.

Disney World is celebrating its 40th birthday! You can tell the characters are getting old. In addition to Snow White's seven dwarfs, she now has 25 cats.

I read one chapter of a book and put it down. Thank God for Kindle.

Politics is pop. Our job as comedians - especially me, as a late-night talk show, which is a broader audience - is to amplify what we think America is thinking.

I just really don't like being the center of attention that much. It's kind of ironic.

I'd be nothing without my wife. She's the coolest. She's the greatest. She is the smartest. She's the funniest. I love her so much. She's like the - it's like your best friend for the rest of your life.

Thank you... fantasy football draft, for letting me know that even in my fantasies, I am bad at sports.

I don't even read the papers. I read 'USA Today' because it has color photos.

I wanted to be a Priest at one point. I was pretty religious. I was an altar boy, and I was good at it. Then, I started meeting girls and I'm like 'You know, maybe I shouldn't be a Priest.'

Thank you, yard sales, for being the perfect way to say to your neighbors: 'We think we're important enough to charge money for our garbage.'

Researches tested a new form of medical marijuana that treats pain but doesn't get the user high, prompting patients who need medical marijuana to declare, 'Thank you?'

There couldn't have been a better Hollywood ending for us. It's beyond baseball. It's rooting for your family.

I like video games, I like tech, I like being positive.

They got a great performance from me. I was happy.

I like doing energetic things.

My dad used to work at IBM, so we used to get discounts on computers and stuff, and I did have a ThinkPad.

I don't want to admit it, but I do enjoy the feedback from the audience. It's instant feedback. It's like, you could do a movie, shoot it for a year, wait six months, it comes out and you gotta do three weeks of marketing. Three weeks of that, and everyone goes, 'It sucks.'

In a two-hour interview last Friday, Bruce Jenner told ABC's Diane Sawyer, 'For all intents and purposes, I'm a woman.' At which point, Joe Biden ran in and started giving Bruce a shoulder rub.

President Obama said that if he could have any superpower, he'd want the ability to speak any language. That's so everyone in the world could tell him he picked one of the lamest possible superpowers.

Some areas near Dallas experienced a 3.5-magnitude earthquake, which some blame on fracking. However, scientists say that it was more likely aftershocks from Chris Christie celebrating at the Cowboys game.

Nissan is recalling almost 135,000 Infiniti G35s to address an airbag problem. When Toyota heard that, they said, 'Airbags! I knew we forgot something.'

Police in Texas arrested a man who was using the alias 'Barack Obama' while trying to steal money from 35 ATMs. They could tell something was up when a guy named Barack Obama was trying to take money from banks instead of giving it to them.

A new study found that a mother's diet affects her baby's allergies. Which can only mean one thing: My mom ate cats.

I just heard about a woman in Germany who just gave birth to a baby boy named "Jihad." Or as the TSA put it, "Hope you like Amtrak!

Over the weekend it came out that the U.S. has been listening in on German Chancellor Angela Merkel's cellphone since 2002. At this point, I feel like the only world leader our government DOESN'T listen to is President Obama.

In Pakistan anti-American protesters set a Kentucky Fried chicken restaurant on fire. The protesters mistakenly thought they were attacking high-ranking U.S. military official Colonel Sanders.

Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders is expected to announce tomorrow that he is running for president, making him Hillary Clinton's only Democratic challenger so far. Or as Hillary put it, 'Oooo, appetizers!'

There's a new Facebook app that will post a final status update for you after you die. That's ridiculous. I don't need someone to change my status when I die. I need them to water my Farmville crops.

The favorite to win the Olympic gold medal in archery is a legally blind athlete from South Korea, mainly because everyone else is too scared to compete next to him.

Donald Trump's not backing down. Yesterday he said he doesn't need to be lectured by the other Republican candidates, who he says have no business running for president. Not to be confused with Donald Trump, who ran for president and now has no business.

According to a new poll, Republicans are more likely to have a doughnut for breakfast, while Democrats prefer to eat bagels and croissants. While Independents are that annoying friend who's still looking at the menu after 15 minutes.

New Scientist magazine reported that in the future, cars could be powered by hazelnuts. That's encouraging, considering an eight-ounce jar of hazelnuts costs about nine dollars. Yeah, I've got an idea for a car that runs on bald eagle heads and Faberge eggs.

I'm not a big baseball fan, to be honest.

President Obama recently sat down with ESPN and said the NCAA should reduce the shot clock for basketball games. Then he said, 'And while we're at it, is there any way they can reduce the 'being president clock?'

After Michael Jordan recently criticized President Obama's golf game, Obama responded by saying that Jordan should spend more time thinking about his basketball team, the Charlotte Hornets. Then Jordan said, 'Do you really want to talk about whose team got crushed this week?'

...Being a father is the most exciting, amazing thing that ever happened to me.

Republican candidate Ben Carson told reporters he thinks American prisons might be too comfortable. As opposed to Mexican prisons that have personal showers with $5 million escape tunnels.

Ben Carson actually lost a tooth. Which explains why he said that under his leadership, Americans would be entitled to 'life, liberty, and the purthuit of happineth.'

During a recent event at a restaurant called Tommy's Country Ham House in South Carolina, presidential candidate Ben Carson delivered a speech right after he lost his front tooth. Which still left him with more teeth than everyone combined at Tommy's Country Ham House.

Halloween is tomorrow. A group of wine experts has actually come up with a list of the best wines to pair with Halloween candy. They say, "White wine goes great with Skittles, red wine goes great with Twix, and ... we're alcoholics, aren't we?

In a new interview, the president discussed the upcoming election. He said that Hillary Clinton is going to do great as a presidential candidate. When asked how Biden would do, Obama said, 'Hillary's going to do great.'

Got Bin Laden AND interrupted Celebrity Apprentice? Win for Obama all around.

A major Iowa newspaper published an op-ed against Trump calling him a 'self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard.' Or as Trump put it, 'You forgot very rich ... I'm a very rich, self-absorbed, wholly unqualified feckless blowhard. Very, very rich.'

This week, Georgia's board of education approved a plan that allows teachers to keep using the word Evolution when teaching biology. Though, as a compromise, dinosaurs are now called Jesus Horses.

Jeb Bush gave a speech yesterday. He had a pretty rough time. He accidentally said that ISIS has 200,000 men instead of 20,000, and then he mispronounced the name of the terrorist group Boko Haram. So if history has taught us anything, Jeb is well on his way to winning the White House.

Director Ken Burns revealed that his next documentary is about Franklin Roosevelt, and it's fourteen hours long...which sounds like too much, until you realize there's been over thirty hours of TV dedicated to Honey Boo Boo.

Mitt Romney announced he will fight former heavyweight champion Evander Holyfield in a charity boxing match. You can tell that Romney is serious about it. Today, his butler gave him a piggyback ride up the steps of the Philadelphia art museum.

During a charity boxing match on Friday, Mitt Romney lasted two rounds against Evander Holyfield and raised a million dollars. It was just like Holyfield's fight with Mike Tyson, except Romney chewed off his other ear talking about his 18 grandchildren.

That's right, Mitt Romney took on Evander Holyfield in a boxing match for charity, and it was a pretty one-sided fight. But it was still not the worst boxing match we've seen this month. This weekend Vladimir Putin played in an exhibition hockey game with some former NHL players and scored eight goals. Even Evander Holyfield and Mitt Romney said, 'That looks fake.'

Even the White House is weighing in on the deflate-gate scandal. Yesterday they encouraged Tom Brady to 'be mindful of the way he serves as a role model.' And then President Obama stuffed out his cigarette and went golfing at noon on a weekday.

The White House encouraged Tom Brady to be more of a role model. They would've said more, but there was a drunken Secret Service agent streaking across the Rose Garden.

A girl in New York whose parents were on Wife Swap is suing the show for 100-million dollars for making her look like a spoiled brat. Note to girl: guess what else makes you look like a spoiled brat? Being 15 and suing for a hundred million dollars.

When you were a kid, [work in IBM] seemed like an awesome job. I'd get to go to work and have a briefcase. I loved how Dad wore a tie and got a car. I didn't know if all those things came together. I'd see my dad go off to work and we'd wait for him to come home, and we'd all be excited to see him.

A Pennsylvania woman convicted for shoplifting was sentenced to wear a badge that reads "Convicted Shoplifter." However, her lawyers hope to plea bargain down to a bumper sticker reading "I'd Rather Be Stealing!.

A group called Draft Biden 2016 has started selling bumper stickers that say 'I'm ridin' with Biden.' It's a lot better than the other one that women around the White House have started using - 'I'm hidin' from Biden.'

A man in Georgia was arrested for burglary after he left his Facebook account open on the victim's computer. But this is nice: He's only been in jail a few hours, and his status already says "In a Relationship!

The one thing you shouldn't do is try to tell a cab driver how to get somewhere.

Today, President Obama finally met with BP's CEO, Tony Hayward, but the meeting was only scheduled 20 minutes. Call me crazy, but I think it should take more time to discuss an oil spill than it does to get your oil checked.

We had the guys from X Men 2 do the cameras. They had a 360 camera that would go from one car, up in the air and over to another car in a continuous shot while the film was still rolling, going 90 mph.

In a new campaign ad, Jeb Bush referenced 'The Godfather' and said his nickname used to be 'Veto Corleone' because he vetoed so many bills in Florida. When you're the third person in your family to run for president, maybe you shouldn't bring up a movie trilogy where the third one was clearly the worst.

In a recent interview, Hillary Clinton said that one of the jobs that prepared her to be president was sliming fish in Alaska. As opposed to Bill, who learned by catching crabs in Cancun.

Republican Ted Cruz announced that he will run for president in 2016. So finally, Carnival is no longer the most dangerous cruise in America.

I saw that on Small Business Saturday, the president went shopping at a bookstore and bought 17 books, including "The Laughing Monsters," "Being Mortal," and "Heart of Darkness." Or as the cashier put it, "You OK, man? Maybe a little 'Chicken Soup for the Presidential Soul?'

Here's a little bit of good news. The Coast Guard says that BP is now catching up to 630,000 gallons of oil a day. The bad news is that they're capturing it with ducks.

Hillary Clinton made a campaign stop in Las Vegas yesterday. She said she wants citizenship for undocumented immigrants. But after seeing Americans celebrate Cinco de Mayo yesterday, immigrants said, 'You know what, we're good. We're gonna head back now. We had enough.'

Democrats have been doing everything they can to get young people and college students to vote in the midterms. Though if you want students to participate in something, maybe you shouldn't call them midterms.

You only think of the best comeback when you leave.

President Obama and Mitt Romney both gave commencement speeches over the last few days. Obama was like, 'You can be whatever you want to be,' while Romney was like, 'I can be whatever you want me to be.'

George W. Bush gave a commencement speech at Southern Methodist University this weekend. It was pretty inspirational. He said, 'As I like to tell the 'C' students, you too can be president.' Even George W. Bush has George W. Bush comedy material in his act.

Leno, Conan. They are both really funny. They really know how to land one.

You've never had a job that you thought was secure. You don't think the Tonight Show is risk free. Especially when you saw what happened with your buddy Conan O'Brien. There is always a Plan B.I am ready to apply to the post office.

Congrats to Prince William and Kate Middleton, who welcomed a baby girl on Saturday. The royal baby weighed eight pounds - or around 12 American dollars.

This weekend the Conservative Political Action Conference, CPAC, featured several speakers including Sarah Palin and Phil Robertson from 'Duck Dynasty.' It was a good weekend for conservatives - and a great weekend for wild animals.

After months of negotiations, Iran has finally agreed to reduce its nuclear weapons program. Which was great until Putin showed up and said, 'Hi, I'm here about Craigslist ad for nukes.'

Despite Russia's move to raise interest rates this week, the value of the ruble has continued to crash. Russia's economy is so bad, Edward Snowden had to put government secrets on Craigslist.

A 99-year-old man is filing for divorce from his 96-year-old wife, making them the world's oldest divorced couple. It's got to be weird when a divorce lawyer is fighting for your kids to get custody of you.

In an interview, President Obama said he recently deejayed a small dance party at the White House. Obama has a lot in common with deejays. He takes requests and then completely ignores them.

Senator Rand Paul reflected on Mitt Romney's potential 2016 campaign and said, 'It's sort of what Einstein said, that the definition of insanity is to do the same thing over and over again and expect a different result.' When someone told him Einstein didn't actually say that, he said, 'In the words of Gandhi, 'My bad.''

There's always going to be someone out there... who doesn't believe in you or who thinks your head is too big or you're not smart enough. But those are the people you need to ignore, and those are the times you need to just keep doing what you love doing.

The man who invented Doritos has passed away at the age of 97. He asked to be buried with the creator of Fritos and Cheetos in a variety pack.

Today is Earth Day. Environmentalists spent the day drawing attention to the Earth, while the Earth just spent the day checking Facebook to see which planets wished it a happy Earth Day.

A new study found that Americans are exercising more than ever but still not losing much weight. Not good in fact, it's all I could think about on my jog to Dunkin' Donuts.

This week a man was arrested for jumping over the White House fence and trying to spray paint a political message. If that guy really wanted to get a message to the president, he could have just written it in an email to literally anyone.

The U.S. is re-establishing relations with Cuba. But before President Obama can lift the embargo, it will need approval from the Republican-controlled Congress - or as Republicans who called Obama said, 'Close, but no cigar.'

President Obama recently said that his day is all about politics, so in the mornings he likes to watch ESPN. So if you get the feeling he's repeating himself every half hour, that's where he learned it from.

The federal government is starting to plan for climate change by making extended forecasts that can help people plan for extreme weather - because what can go wrong when you combine the efficiency of government with the accuracy of weathermen?

We picked the Red Sox because they lose. If you root for something that loses for 86 years, you're a pretty good fan. You don't have to win everything to be a fan of something.

I, of course, wanted to do something with Drew Barrymore. Please. So we were reading scripts back and forth and then we found this script, Fever Pitch.

Officials from the soccer organization FIFA, which decides which cities get to host the World Cup, are accused of accepting bribes when making their decision. Of course the toughest part for the soccer officials was taking bribes without using their hands.

The U.S. government is selling $30 billion worth of fighter jets to Saudi Arabia. Yeah, it's part of a new initiative called, 'Operation Regret This In Five Years.'

I don't shoot guns. I don't know how to do that. I grew Upstate New York, so I fought with my fists.

In an interview last night, Rick Perry criticized Mitt Romney for flip-flopping on the issues. Romney said that Perry has no idea what he's talking about. Then he added, 'But he does know what he's talking about.'

You run on the treadmill. But you need to stop watching The Food Network when you're doing it. That is how you torture yourself.

They're making a movie about Barack and Michelle Obama's first date, called 'Southside With You,' and the producers say they've already cast someone to play young Barack Obama. Now, I'm not saying the president has aged a lot but that young actor is Morgan Freeman.

Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen attended a fundraiser for Hillary Clinton in New York City this week. Hillary told them, 'Good luck with the reboot of your '90s show.' And they said, 'Thanks. Good luck with yours.'

I'm so excited. Jay Leno is on the show tonight. He brought some really funny jokes and some great stories. Although I'm a little concerned he also brought his old desk and Kevin Eubanks. I just want Jay to be comfortable, but not too comfortable.

Oh here's an idea: let's make pictures of our internal organs and give them to other people we love on Valentine's Day. That's not weird at all.

Fifteen states across the country have gas prices that have dipped below $2. That means it's now cheaper to buy a gallon of liquefied dinosaurs than one cup of coffee at Starbucks.

As gas prices continue to drop, 28 states are now selling regular gasoline for less than $2 a gallon. It's getting cheaper to pump two gallons of gas outside the station than it is to pump two squirts of nacho cheese inside.

The Senate came one vote short of granting approval to build the Keystone pipeline. Democrats say the pipeline could accelerate global warming. Then people who've been outside today said, 'Sounds good to me. Let's accelerate that global warming.'

A new helicopter service called Gotham Air is now offering users cheap flights from Manhattan to JFK or Newark airports that start at just $99. If there's two words I trust together in the same sentence, it's 'cheap' and 'helicopter.'

We have a really, really great dog. It doesn't bark. My dog almost smiles, which is weird. He's just a very happy dog.

This weekend President Obama attended the annual Gridiron Club Dinner, and during his speech he joked that he is getting older and crankier. Which explains why he announced he no longer supports President Obama.

New York Mayor Bill de Blasio has been positioning himself to challenge Hillary Clinton for the Democratic nomination. Hillary once developed a program to deliver rural healthcare, while de Blasio once dropped a groundhog on its head.

Sources say the Obama administration is in the 'final stages' of planning the closing of Guantanamo Bay. The way it's gonna work is, they're going to put a Radio Shack sign out front and let nature take its course.

Researchers in the U.K. have developed a vegetable called "super broccoli" designed to fight heart disease. Not to be outdone, researchers in America have developed a way to stuff an Oreo inside another Oreo.

One of the candidates at the early GOP debate, George Pataki, said his routine before every debate is to drink a diet lemon Snapple iced tea and pray. Which is also the advice Chris Christie gets from his doctor.