Jerry Lawler quotes:

Jake 'The Snake's' two best friends are Jim Beam & Jack Daniels.

I'm not a racist like Bret Hart, I hate everyone equally!

The only reason Jake 'The Snake' Roberts doesn't drink and drive anymore is because he is afraid he might hit a bump and spill his drink.

You know how I impress girls at the gym? I do pull ups: I pull up in a Corvette, in a Cadillac, and in a Mercedes.

Helen Hart is the only person I know with an autographed copy of the Bible.

Crash Holly's so short, you can see his feet on his driver's licence photo.

Jake Robert's wife is real ugly, but according to him that's nothing a six pack and a light switch can't fix.

As they say, anything can happen in the World Wrestling Federation.

Being a 3-time Intercontinental champion doesn't make you a great wrestler, just like Larry King having 9 wives don't make him a great husband.

Helen Hart is so old, she remembers when the Dead Sea was sick.

Jake [Roberts] is feeling a little under the weather. He has bar-thritis. That's when because stiffin' a different joint every night.

When most people get drunk, they see snakes. But, when snakes get drunk, they see Jake Roberts!

Speaking of birthday suits, I think Mae Young's needs ironing!

In this day and time, with no competition you are really walking a tightrope. I mean you may think that no competition is good, but in reality no competition is really bad.

Go back to your bingo hall.

It's almost like while you are working for the WWF everything is fine and good, but if you are no longer employed by them they want you to just drop off the face of the earth and it's like you never existed.

Her, Me, whipped cream, handcuffs. Any questions?

As a baby, Bret Hart was so ugly that they had to put tinted windows on his incubator!

The only reason I lost to Aldo Montoya was the intoxicating fumes there were coming off his body from being around Jake Roberts.

We've finally told the world that this is sports entertainment, and I think one of the best forms of entertainment is anything that's fun or funny, something that you really enjoy watching or listening to.

Of course, the whole Andy Kaufman angle was classic. I'm real proud of that. I mean that is something people are still talking about 20 years later, making movies about and that sort of thing. I mean not a day goes by that someone doesn't mention Andy Kaufman to me.

Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

I've seen a lot of real out-of-line attitudes since I have been in the WWF and those people are still there or are getting a second or third chance or something like that.

You know what they say in Arkansas...manure happens.

Of course, the whole Andy Kaufman angle was classic. I'm real proud of that. I mean that is something people are still talking about 20 years later, making movies about and that sort of thing. I mean not a day goes by that someone doesn't mention Andy Kaufman to me

I've been here for nine years, and over that time, these people have become like my family.

When John Cena came to Raw, he immediately got off on the wrong foot with Eric Bischoff. Eric Bischoff said that he thought John Cena was a would be Eminem, and Lord knows one Eminem is enough, but since that time, I have come to respect and really like this kid. This John Cena is a good guy. You can't say anything differently than that.

But if I've heard this saying once, I've heard it a thousand times- everything happens for a reason. And possibly it does. I just haven't found the reason that this all happened yet.

There is an old adage: love thy neighbor, but don't get caught.

But if I've heard this saying once, I've heard it a thousand times- everything happens for a reason. And possibly it does. I just haven't found the reason that this all happened yet."

When David killed Goliath, Mae Young called the cops.

When God said 'Let there be light', Mae Young threw the switch.

Judging from what looks like the popularity of this classic wrestling show is that the people like what they have grown to know and love here in Memphis

What the Hell. In 1988, I was the AWA heavyweight champion and I never came to Milwaukee.

I don't know of any wrestler who hasn't, at one time or another, been with a fan. One time I met a woman at a match in Tennessee, and afterward we went to a little roadside motel. We checked in, went to the room, and enjoyed each other for an hour or so.

I asked Sunny if she would ever consider dating you. She said she would rather give birth to a porcupine on fire.

You never really know a woman till you meet her in court.

Cena with the WWE Title, Randy Orton with the Money In The Bank briefcase, & Daniel Bryan with the beard.

We just did a show in Providence, Rhode Island, and we got three puppy shots before we even got on the air, which was great. Although sometimes you get flashed by some puppies that you'd rather not see. They're more like mongrels

It used to be that Shamrock was the world's most dangerous man, but now Shamrock is the world's most dangerous speedbump.

When it comes to Shawn Michaels, there's always a way.

We just did a show in Providence, Rhode Island, and we got three puppy shots before we even got on the air, which was great. Although sometimes you get flashed by some puppies that you'd rather not see. They're more like mongrels.

I don't know if he needs a tic tac or toilet paper.

How could Triple H EVER be mad, how could he EVER have a bad day? How would you like to be married to her?! Wake up in a wonderful mood every morning. I mean, look at that!

The Dudleys are going to get the VIP treatment this Sunday-- Very Intense Pain!

It's not often that you see a smile on the face of the Viper, but it actually looks good on there.

Australia was great. I would advise anybody to go there. In fact, if you couldn't live here, Australia would be the place to live. It's the most Americanized country that I've ever seen in the world.

I don't think that McMahon thinks very much about the fact that J.R and I have been successful. I don't think that McMahon thinks the wrestling announcers really have that much to contribute the show.

What do Jake 'The Snake' Roberts and a beer bottle have in common? They're both empty from the neck up!

I'm not embarrassed to be seen with younger women, except when I drop them off at school.

If the Japanese are so smart, why do they eat with sticks?

Andy Kaufman's mom wanted a girl, his father wanted a boy, and they were both satisfied!

Koko B. Ware is a crossword wrestler: he enters the ring vertically, and leaves horizontally.

Michael Cole, what did you get for Christmas? Except drunk.

Paul Bearer is so fat, he has his own gravitational pull!

Paul Bearer has more chins than a Chinese phone book!

I don't think it's blowing my own horn to say the show is not as good. There was chemistry there that took years and years to build and now that's gone. The commentary is lacking.

You lost weight? Look around, you'll find it.

Can I press one for English?

When you were born and your mom saw your face and your rear end, she said "Oh! Siamesse Twins!"

There's one thing that comes into mind when I see Trish Stratus... MANAGEMENT

Foley looks like an un-made bed.

What's twelve inches long and hangs in front on ass, Mankind's tie.

ECW stands for Extremely Crappy Wrestling.

Ahmed Johnson came from a neighborhood where the most common words heard was, You have the right to remain silent.

If at first you don't succeed, see if there is a prize for the losers.

Cheating is only cheating when you get caught.

Women! Can't live with 'em, no resale value.

One man's trash is another man's girlfriend.

Jim Ross you're a fine one to talk about how someone is dressed.

If Mark Henry was the Titanic, the iceberg would've sank!

Dustin Runnels came up to me and asked me if I made my peace with God today. I don't know if I ever had a fight with him.

The only thing harder than Terry Funk's legs are his arteries.

Do you have a quarter? My mom told me to call her when I meet the women of my dreams.

A little sex on TV never hurt anyone...unless you fall off!

Sunny didn't make a fool out of Phineas, God beat her to that.

We've finally told the world that this is sports entertainment, and I think one of the best forms of entertainment is anything that's fun or funny, something that you really enjoy watching or listening to

When I'm in bed with a woman, my favorite move is a wrestling hold called the lip lock

I'm an artist and I can draw very well. I'm amazed that everybody can't draw well because I can do it so effortlessly.

OSHA had come in and looked at the channel 5 studios and it sort of had something to do with wrestling, but they found that there were some safety concerns that had to be addressed.

Certainly it's a business and you've got to have a salesman, but in my mind, when you've got two guys doing the same thing, you don't need one of them.

Hey Mark Henry, where are your gold medals? We all know that if Mark Henry won a gold medal he'd just take it and have it bronzed.

This man can make a horror movie without makeup.

You know, Alundra Blayze, with her looks could star in TV westerns...if she had two more legs.

Gyrating J.R., pretty darn good!

If charisma were rain, Blackman would be a desert.

Get that strait jacket that Heidenreich had and put it on Lita!

Look at the attention the Godfather's getting! Kick my leg, J.R.; kick me in the leg!

The fats dented the flats.

You know what they call a good looking girl in Philadelphia...a tourist.

Panties aren't the greatest thing in the world, but they're next to them.

J.R.'s got moves like Jagger!

Are you ready for some puppies?!

Mark Henry is so strong he eats steak with a spoon.

I'd like to retain Trish Stratus's services.

Dolph Ziggler reminds me of Santa; everywhere he goes he brings an old bag with him.

Is he dancing or having a seizure?