Jeff Garlin quotes:

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  • Acting's fine if the script's written by Paddy Chayefsky and Martin Scorsese directs it, but unless you have something like that, I don't really enjoy acting.

  • I like raconteurs; I like conversation. I liked the 'Tonight Show' when it was 90 minutes, I like when people aren't plugging things per se, and they're just in the moment being interesting.

  • Certainly early on, I kind of modeled myself after Steve Martin and Bill Murray. I would imitate them sometimes.

  • Comedians sometimes forget that there's an audience. You gotta be conscious that you're performing for other human beings.

  • First off, I don't do self-deprecation comedy based on being fat. I would always talk about it honestly. Secondly, I don't care how much I weigh.

  • I have the bigger iPad, but the Mini is the best. It just seems perfect. The old one seems so big and heavy. I like simple and clean.

  • There's only one true superpower amongst human beings, and that is being funny. People treat you differently if you can make them laugh.

  • My kids have played soccer and baseball and basketball, and the parents who come to games are always saying and doing things that are just wildly inappropriate.

  • Parents have got to chill out. Let your kid eat dirt - they're gonna be fine!

  • The reality is [in] any emotional situation, a compulsive eater eats or an alcoholic drinks. What people misunderstand is that when you're a compulsive overeater, you don't just eat when things are bad. You eat when you feel anything.

  • By the way, to perform in front of Don Rickles, it 's not nerve-wrecking. It 's enjoyable, i am enjoying Jeff Garlin. I hope I perform in front of Don Rickles every night of my life !

  • Forget 'full of myself,' I'm not remotely impressed with myself.

  • I hate cellphones. They are not for good, they're for evil. They're for gossip.

  • I do love directing. It's probably my favorite thing that I do.

  • I like independent movies, documentaries. There's not a lot of movies that are commercially made that I dig.

  • For me, baseball is more comparable to chess than it is to hockey.

  • I never analyze stuff with comedy because it's boring. It makes you stop being funny. Just be who you are and do what you do, and you're either funny or you're not.

  • I've avoided doing network shows because I don't think they're true to real families.

  • As an individual doing a podcast, you don't get even remotely rich. It's not something to do for money.

  • When you see a bad romantic comedy, you see the script, the director, and the actors trying to create this warmth and this pathos and this feeling that you care about them. That cannot be manufactured - it's either there or it isn't.

  • I have gone to many theaters where it is so unpleasant with the commercials before the movie, the volume, and the disrespect of the filmgoers. So I understand people not wanting to go to the theater.

  • The worst kind of idiot is the one who doesn't think they're an idiot.

  • I felt very comfortable about myself when I was much heavier. I feel much better about myself from being fit.

  • If you're gonna be a maniac, pyro's not a good maniac.

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