Ian Shoales quotes:

I know what love is: Tracy and Hepburn, Bogart and Bacall, Romeo and Juliet, Jackie and John and Marilyn...

Sigmund Freud was a half baked Viennese quack. Our literature, culture, and the films of Woody Allen would be better today if Freud had never written a word.

Why are we importing all these highbrow plays like `Amadeus'? I could have told you Mozart was a jerk for nothing.

Football players, like prostitutes, are in the business of ruining their bodies for the pleasure of strangers.

They don't produce anything. All they do is guide you through the labyrinth of the legal system that they created - and they keep changing it just in case you start to catch on.

L.A.: where there's never weather, and walking is a crime. L.A.: where the streetlights and palm trees go on forever, where darkness never comes, like a deal that never goes down, a meeting that's never taken. The City of Angels: where every cockroach has a screenplay and even the winos wear roller skates. It's that kind of town.

I don't like people who speak French in public places. This includes the French.

Everybody's excited about the new service economy, even though there is no actual service as near as I can tell.

Favorite color: I hate colors.

I read a column by George Will that SCARFACE should be rated X because parents were taking their children to see it. So what? Why should the motion-picture industry be responsible for our morality? Dad says to Mom, `SCARFACE is in town.' `What's it about?' `Human scum who kill each other over cocaine deals.' `Sounds great! Let's take the kids!'

Men want to put their signature at the bottom; women don't want to finish that letter.

Advice to rock gods: drugwise, stick to Ibuprofen, decaf lattes, and pale Pilsners ... If your stomach is not a flat slab, please leave your shirt on while performing ... If your girlfriend asks you to choose between her and your music, sell your instruments immediately - especially if you're a drummer ... Finally, go easy on the supermodels, don't forget to tune, and remember: a tiny bit of dry ice and lasers goes a long way. Ditto with tattoos.

Americans will buy anything, as long as it doesn't cross the thin line between cute and demonic.

Never ask a woman why she's angry at you. She will either get angrier at you for not knowing, or she'll tell you. Both ways, you lose.