Henny Youngman quotes:

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Just got back from a pleasure trip: I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

There was a girl knocking on my hotel room door all night! Finally, I let her out.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

This is an elegant hotel! Room service has an unlisted number.

Those two are a fastidious couple. She's fast and he's hideous.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

I played a great horse yesterday! It took seven horses to beat him.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him, "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"

I own a hundred and fifty books, but I have no bookcase. Nobody will lend me a bookcase.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

My wife is the sweetest, most tolerant, most beautiful woman in the world. This is a paid political announcement.

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.

She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

I just made a killing in the stock market -- I shot my broker.

My brother-in-law had to give up his last job because of illness. His boss became sick of him.

I live about four muggings from Central Park.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Have I got a mother-in-law. She's so neat she puts paper under the cuckoo clock.

The horse I bet on was so slow, the jockey kept a diary of the trip.

A person asked me, How do you prepare for the stage? I told her, Well, it's like this. You go to diction school. They teach you to fill your mouth with marbles and talk right through the marbles. Each day you take one marble out. When you've lost all your marbles...

If my mother knew I did this for a living, she'd kill me. She thinks I'm selling dope.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

In elementary school, many a true word is spoken in guess.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I've got all the money I'll ever need, if I die by four o'clock.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" "No, jump in!"

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, We want Youngman! We want Youngman! The coach says, Youngman - go see what they want!

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

The more I think of you, the less I think of you.

I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

My brother was a lifeguard in a car wash.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

You have the Midas touch. Everything you touch turns to a muffler.

A motel is where you give up good dollars for bad quarters.

When I told my doctor I couldn't afford an operation, he offered to touch-up my X-rays.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

2 Guys in a health club, one is putting on pantyhose. "Since when do you wear pantyhose?" "Since my wife found it in the glove compartment!"

A car hit a Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?" The man says, "I make a good living."

Payday at my house is like the Academy Awards. My wife says: May I have the envelope please.

Those bellhops in Miami are tip-happy. I ordered a deck of playing cards and the bellboy made fifty-two trips to my room.

I'll tell you how to beat the gambling in Las Vegas. When you get off the airplane, walk right into the propeller.

A Jewish man pulls up to the curb and asks the policeman, "Can I park here?" "No" says the cop. "What about all these other cars?" "They didn't ask!"

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

Most girls are attracted to the simple things in life. Like men.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

A Polish man in a helicopter. Goes up to 800 feet. Down it comes! What happened? "It got chilly up there, so I turned off the fan!"

This man dresses like an unmade bed.

A Polish man had his vasectomy done at Sears. Now when he makes love, the garage door goes up.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I've got two wonderful children - and two out of five isn't too bad.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

Why don't Jews drink? It interferes with their suffering.

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

"Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears." "Don't answer!"

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"

"What's the latest dope on Wall Street?" "My son!"

2 Jewish women in New York. One says, "Do you see what's going on in Poland?" The other says, "I live in the back, I don't see anything."

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

A doctor says to a man, "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says, "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

A guy complains of a headache. Another guy says, Do what I do. I put my head on my wife's bosom, and the headache goes away. The next day, the man says, Did you do what I told you to? Yes, I sure did. By the way, you have a nice house!

A guy says, I'm so old that I forgot how old I am. An old woman says, I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over. The man does this. The woman says, You're seventy four. The man says, How can you tell? The woman says, You told me yesterday.

A little Jewish Grandma is at the Florida coast with her little Jewish Grandson. The grandson is playing on the beach when a big wave comes and washes the kid out to sea. The lifeguards swim out, bring him back to shore, the paramedics work on him for a long time, pumping the water out, reviving him. They turn to the Jewish Grandma, and say, we saved your grandson. The little Jewish Grandma says, He had a hat!

A little man is running a jewelry store. A man runs in saying, Okay, take my watch, put on a new band, install a new battery, clean the case, install a new crystal, and tune it up. I will be back in a half hour for it. Thanks! and runs out the door. The little jeweler says, C-C-C-Come in?

A man calls a lawyer's office. The phone is answered, Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. The man says, Let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. I'm sorry, he's on vacation. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's on a big case, not available for a week. Then let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. He's playing golf today. Okay, then, let me talk to Mr. Schwartz. Speaking.

A man goes to a barbershop and asks, How many ahead of me? Five. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Four. The man leaves. He comes back the next day and asks, How many ahead of me? Six. The man leaves, and the barber says to another, Follow that man! The man comes back and says, He goes to your house!

A man goes to a psychiatrist. "Nobody listens to me!" The doctor says, "Next!"

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!

A Polish man had a bandage on each ear. What happened? "I was ironing, and the phone rang!" "What about the other ear?" "Had to call the doctor!"

A Polish terrorist was sent to blow up a car. He burned his mouth on the exhaust pipe!

A priest is sent to Alaska. A bishop goes up to visit one year later. The bishop asks, How do you like it up here? The priest says, If it wasn't for my Rosary, and 2 martinis a day, I'd be lost. Bishop, would you like a martini? Yes. Rosary, get the bishop a martini!

A tough guy told me, "I'll bet you $10 you're dead." I was afraid to bet him.

A woman says to a man, "I haven't seen you around here." "Yes, I just got out of jail for killing my wife." "So you're single!"

A woman was taking a shower. There is a knock on the door. Who is it? Blind man! The woman opens the door. Where do you want these blinds, lady?

All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

Another drunk goes up to a parking meter, puts in a quarter, the dial goes to 60. The drunk says, "Huh. I lost 100 pounds!"

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

Are you married? What do you do for agravation?

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

College: A fountain of knowledge where all go to drink.

Doctor says to a man, "You're pregnant!" The man says, "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says, "The usual way - a little wine, a little dinner...."

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.