Guy Branum quotes:

It's very important to older male homosexuality in Los Angeles to have a pool, so that cute boys will come to your house and swim around in the pool.

Deeply in my heart, do I want to believe that there is that special guy that is for me. Yes, absolutely.

I want so much to believe in true love.

While I was doing shitty little bar shows in the Central Valley in 2004, I was being out and helping people realize that gay people aren't monsters, that they are just people. So I look at this world with a great deal of pride, and I'm excited for it.

I am a unique boutique product, I'm not for everybody.

I probably should work harder on relationships, but I don't, and there's not the same kind of imperative as when you have all the right equipment to make a human being together.

I really like that homosexuality is a little bit of an existential puzzle.

Not a lot of gay guys end up coming to alt-comedy-ish shows. They like all these '80s shimmer shows, or they like going to drag shows. It is always weird and interesting when I meet somebody at a gay bar who is familiar with my stuff.

Self-confidence is a terrible, terrible thing; it's also the most attractive thing.

The weird thing is when you're a gay guy my age, I spent so much of my life just thinking I was probably never going to date anyone, so now just thinking, "all right, settle down and have a child" seems ridiculous to me.

The wonderful thing about a TV show is if you get picked up for another season, there's no happily ever after.

I think it's our job to be happy and find happiness for ourselves.

A nice thing about being 40 is that you're not a kid about your understanding of sex or sexuality anymore.

One of the nice things about being me is you show up in a town, you meet somebody interesting and entertaining, and for 48 hours, what a wonderful person to be around. You mess around, and all of that is super, super fun, and you don't have to deal with the long-term consequences of it.

At the same time, we can't blame comedians for taking time to learn. Any critic of comedy who believes that he has always, universally, been on the right side of justice is engaging in a hypocrisy that is itself a joke.

Gay people, we die in all the movies, like we almost always die in the movie, because that's what you can do to us that's dramatic. We can't make a baby.

I am not a huge fan of being around people all the time. I really like being able to leave people.

I think that women have a construction of their sexuality put on them from a very young age that says exclusivity is necessary to remain valuable, that if a dude screws somebody else it means that he doesn't love you, that he doesn't care about you. You don't have primacy in his life.

I'm excited for the new crop of gay comics who have never been closeted, who never thought that they needed to put on a dress to tell a joke, and it's exciting.

I'm just figuring out being able to understand that it's cool for me to date, and have guys be interested in me, and be interested in guys.

It is easier to be gay at this very moment than it was five minutes ago. It is just constantly getting better, and it's wonderful.

The person I have sex with doesn't necessarily need to have primacy in my life.

We live in a world of media that are constantly telling us it is only the shape of your body that matters to how attractive you are, and that's silly.

When I did find guys with whom I was very sexually compatible, trying to figure out how romance worked... when you're a gay guy you don't necessarily have that same push to make a conventional relationship work.

When you're a kid, you think, "Well, I will grow up and I will get a wife and we will have kids and then we will have grandkids." My life has a different shape. That is weird, but there are things about it that are exciting.

All I want out of music is to think to myself, this could be in a makeover montage.