Greg Gutfeld quotes:

I have to say that Adam Levine is truly a daring young man to go on Twitter to bash Fox News. He's so rebellious, so subversive. I mean, for a musician, seriously, could you find a more predictable stance than that? He's as edgy as a hacky sack, which also describes his music.

The people who whine about Fox News are hypocrites - they say they're totally tolerant, but when they run into someone who doesn't share their assumptions, they say, 'Fox News is evil, and it must be stopped.'

The [Confederate] Flag is - literally - sewed division. People claim it means different things to different people, but it harkens back to the pro-slavery side of the war.

Delayed gratification is the one thing we ignore these days. And if you delay it, it becomes more pleasurable later in life.

The Islamophobia phobes, (ph) the writers and the editors and the talking heads who deny an existence of evil while blaming those who speak up. There no difference - different than the apologists for communism. As communism killed millions, they, they denied it.

A Smith & Wesson does more for empowering women than Feminism ever could

Is your relationship strong enough to survive a trip to Ikea? Is their furniture strong enough to survive a relationship? Have you ever bought a bed there?

The joy of hate reflects people who get off pretending to hate something, or hate you, in order to score political points. I call them the 'tolerati' - you know, a group of people who claim to be tolerant, except when they run into someone who disagrees with them.

Eric Holder sees everything through the prism of race. He keeps that mustache because shaving cream is white.

The metric system was designed to get people to enter charity runs.Do you think you would go run a 3.1 mile race? No, but if somebody says, hey, 5 km. You go, 5km sounds pretty impressive.

I need somebody to Trump-xplain(ph) this, because I don`t understand it.I`ve heard people defend him about making fun of a disability, making fun of John McCain, making fun of women - a woman`s face.I just wanted to hear somebody defend this as well, because it just never ends. No one will ever stop defending the crass stuff he says.

Magic Johnson links his HIV and treatment to health care as though ObamaCare would provide the same level of care that a mega rich celebrity would get. Is he going to dump his coverage? Is he going to dump it and sign up for ObamaCare?

I want to make a positive point of Ikea. It makes income inequality a minor distraction.

I know that if I say something that's considered outrageous, a group will take it, create an email blast, and use me to raise money or to do whatever, to build their profile.

Steer clear of pot. It's an ambition zapper. Wait till you've made it. When you're 45 buy a bong. But for now, buy a suit.

When you get famous and rich when you're young, what happens is you start feeling insecure.

I don't understand why a 40 is a quarter of beer when a 40 is 40 ounces. It's time to embrace the metric system.

I am not the least bit religious, but at least I stick up for the good work of religion and the cascade of benefits that come from religion.

The best thing about Ikea - I'm going to do a quiz here - the names. Do you know what a Floria Fin (ph) is? It's a candle. A Pogestra (ph) - table. A Bar Grick (ph) is a plate, an Eterleeg (ph) is a wine glass and a Scuggle (ph) is the name of my third nipple.

Let's be clear about what people never say about Playboy on television. It was nothing more than an instrument for onanism. That's what it was. And the Internet co-opted that industry of self- gratification. There is no necessity for lonely men or teenagers to use Playboy. It turns out no one bought that magazine for the articles ever; it was used for only one thing.

Legal gun ownership always prevails over the emotionalism of the gun control movement.

It was then that I realized that while playing the well-meaning tolerant individual (in short: liberal) garnered you fans and grades, it didn't matter. In my heart and head, I was a fraud.

Sanctuary cities are a lot like hitchhiking. And the abstract, it feels really good until you feel dead.

Fact is, the desperate desire to be cool has skewed our culture toward nihilism, carelessness, and ineptitude. It is now cool to be an idiot. A jackass. It's cool to be a failure, as long as your failure is the basis for a reality show.

I would like to see a president with a monocle.

The longer I live, the more I'm convinced the world is just one big high school, with the cool kids always targeting the uncool.

Ask dumb questions and listen quietly for the answers. That's a wisdom stair climber.

We're already going down that path with illegal drug use and incarceration. I can't imagine it getting any worse.

They [policemen] are in a profession that if you do the job incorrectly, or proceeding incorrectly, it's over for you because there isn't any supporter backup. If you make a mistake as a plumber, you know, you fix it and everything goes on or you get sued. But if you make a mistake as a cop, you are more infamous than Jesse James, everything's over.

Monitoring activities is neither new or intrusive. We did that with communities in terms of getting rid of the mob. And cops, believe me, do not want to do this. Do you think they really want to listen to you chant five times a day. However, you should look on the bright side: you might convert them.

The problem with the immigration debate, it's probably is the most poisoned and political debate of any issue, because you have this huge voting bloc that everybody says is yours

Because a part of the entire [Donald] Trump experience or whatever this last six months [of 2015] has been sort of feels like we`ve been living in a dream, but this is all actually happening.I mean, it`s great to be a political journalist in this time. It`s about the rhetoric. You hear his supporters on the campaign trail say we`re glad he`s not politically correct.

It goes back to the if identity becomes your achievement, what do you do, this is what happens? And I do think it leads to psychological disorders. You have to start doing things and stop thinking about yourself.

[If Republicans] got to put their kids into public school. They got to take public health. They would become libertarian faster than you could say Ayn Rand.

I think the reason why 'Red Eye' is popular is because we question the common assumptions that you find elsewhere.

Republicans are systematically and deliberately trying to stop millions of American citizens from voting. What part of democracy are they afraid of? I call on Republicans at all levels of government, with all manner of ambition, to stop fear mongering about a phantom epidemic of election fraud. I'm calling for universal, automatic voter registration, every citizen in every state in the union.

In the old days feminists would mock women who depended so much on a man. Today if the man is the government, not so much. A man who opens the door for you is a Neanderthal; a bureaucrat who pays for your pills? A hero.

The real American ideal of cool which is building businesses, protecting freedom at home and abroad, taking responsibility for your actions, and leaving other people alone to live as they damn well please.

It's easy to whip up resentment against anything that smacks with authority. Nobody ever organizes over pan handlers. So even if a cop is black, like the three arrested in Baltimore, or one dead in Mississippi, the hard left uses race as the underlying cause. It's why there are no defiant marches when policemen are killed.

Look, this debate is basic: it's small government vs. big government. So how cowardly do folks like Blood and Frank Rich have to be that they can't man up and defend their love for collectivism? The only reason they scream race, is because that debate scares them. They know a racial accusation prevents dialogue, because such a harmful charge far outweighs any benefits of winning an argument.

I have friends my age who started smoking pot when they got out of college. They didn't get anywhere. But if they drank, they managed to go somewhere. Does that make sense?

I'm sure if you could survey the unborn they would prefer the chance for life over the options of solar power.

I guess if your heart's in the right place, the trash can go anywhere.

Hollywood's schizophrenia over guns is matched only by their attitude toward taxes. Ever wonder why they film in Vancouver so often? It ain't for the beaches, I can tell you.

[Obamacare] has to be enforced because nobody wants it. This is the nature of progressive government they don't care if it's not good for you. It's good for them.

92 people are killed every single day in car fatalities. What if we filmed every one of them? No one would drive cars.

A funny thing about tolerant people? They're really only tolerant when you agree with them.

Accusing a politician of being politically expedient is like accusing water of being wet or circles for being round.

Adults use children in order to survive because now, we have this [kids] tissue that can allow us to live longer. And once you've accepted this idea that you can use this tissue to make yourself healthier, what's to stop you from making it into a nutritional supplement? What's to stop you from any kind of weird, bizarre, amoral act because you've already made the leap?

Al Gore completely lied about climate change in an effort to make a lot of money.

Al Sharpton chases the spotlight the way Obama chases golf balls

America is like the greatest hit of the world.

American people, what about the American people? I think the president delights in the fact that they have been roofied by technology and pop culture. They're not conscious to any expansion of power, which is why they're happy to exist in this dependant decline.

Being a conservative on campus is like bing a goat amongst the taliban. You are never safe.

Celebrities are the doormats to power.

Chris Matthews is so nuts that if he ate a snickers bar it would be cannibalism.

Commencement addresses are usually garbage. They're for colleges seeking publicity.

Essentially, the Tea Party are the Hell's Angels, but with sun visors instead of switch blades. They push macaroni instead of meth. Mess with the Tea Party and they'll put your dog in an American flag sweater on a hot day.

Fake sympathy is the politicians demanding more cash as they ignore the underlying crisis. They prefer money over morality.

Good people suddenly don't turn bad.

How can you have a reasonable debate with people who are constantly changing the panic? They are moving the panic to a greater wave of hysteria?

How funny is it that so many professors labeled Tea Partiers as terrorists, while kissing the asses of real, bona fide terrorists? It's not funny, really. But it's the result of a simple equation: One is cool, and the other isn't. Own a gun and keep it by your bed in your remote farmhouse? You're a redneck. Purchase guns that end up killing a judge? Priceless. As long as you cling to cool, progressive beliefs that deem America evil, whatever you do is cool. And if you do it under a big fuzzy 'fro? Even cooler. Hell, if you 'fro is big enough, you could nuke an orphanage and still get tenure.

I admire President Obama's ability to trust strangers.

I agree and I disagree in the sense that I think that he [Donald Trump] has a fondness for autocrats, but at the same time, isn't he talking about like perception of defending your country.

I don't know if you get anything more adorable than a tiny pig eating an apple. And here's a fun fact. This is how you make apple-smoked bacon.

I don't like the way my hair looks, so we're going to do the whole show over.

I haven`t used that word since I was 7 years old. I don`t understand Donald Trump.

I never quit. I just got fired.

If a journalist calls you a racist, chances are, all other journalists will call you a racist.

If America was a house, the Left would root for the termites.

If Russia, if Russia had the same military power that America did, earth would be called Russia.

If you throw the baby away, that's garbage. But no, the heart's precious. You could get something, you could save a life. Well, you just threw away a baby but the heart's valuable. That's the horror and the terror and the hypocrisy that nobody can understand. We base communities on the idea of protecting children based on the sacrifice of adults. Adults work and die so that their next generation would grow and prosper.

If you're a Republican and rich, that's evil. But if you're a Democrat and rich, that's great.

If you're hiring, if you're the person doing the hiring, forgive a scar or two. Remember that when we were young, we were also idiots. There were just no cameras there to catch it.

I'm thinking about American votes and American - all Americans, black or white have to be concerned about what's happening in the world.

In the hands of fiends, guns will kill you. In your hands, they protect against such fiends.

It's not enough to be right because he [Rick Perry] is right, you got to be persuasively right, got to be intellectually agile, and I think he can do it.

I've always wondered, how did Hitler get away with so much for so long?

Job creation is important I think, but it's not the critical issue for Republicans.

Let's admit that feminism came from liberalism and it was very positive. But then it went dark. Feminism replaced biology with social construct. Like you didn't achieve what you could get because it was your fault. They denied traits that are applied across all cultures. And that's where feminism went wrong is it denied biology and makes them look foolish.

Lion is a beautiful creature. It's a wonderful creature. But it's easy outrage. And I also believe that this kind of outrage is a consequence of a moral cowardice in the face of other evil, that you transfer your impotence about other - in other arenas to this, because you know that people will agree with you that this is really bad, but there are serious outrages out there that are bigger than a lion.

Military simulation is an important way of training people for an emergency

Move somewhere with decent public transit so you don't drive drunk and hit somebody.

ObamaCare is creating nothing but misery for everybody.

ObamaCare is to health care as a fart is to an elevator.

Ocean privilege does not exist anymore. The world is small. We cannot rely on distance anymore.

One thing I noticed when I was young was I was impatient for success. I think everybody is impatient for success. It will come. But don't - you shouldn't let that impatience drive you crazy.

Paternity, paternity. Let's think about this. This discriminates against the childless. So you get a year off because you produce a brat. If anything if you have a child you should work more because your brat's going to annoy me at the restaurants.

People ask me what I am politically and I've previously offered this equation: I became a conservative by being around liberals. And I became a libertarian after being around conservatives.

People that want to control words will never ever try to break up, like, a fight on a subway. They will never confront an aggressive person on the bus. They prefer their fights to be easy.

Planned Parenthood's entire existence is basically based on keeping people in the dark through euphemism. You don't call it genocide, you call it reproductive health. So that's why Planned Parenthood has - nobody really thought.

Playboy seems like a sad magazine for me. It seems like for men who would sit around in a bath robe.

Politicians, you know Harry Reid hates you. We get it. But when somebody from "The New York Times" or "The Washington Post" is saying this stuff, that's different, that's offensive, that's wrong.

Republicans do actually care about health care. They just don't care about government-run health care.

Security should not be a black and white thing.

So the villains aren't gay-hating Islamists or women killing tyrants, but actually us: an American Congress bent on the apocalypse. Don't we understand? Iranians love their children too.

Some things get better with age. And then there's Madonna.

The beauty of progress is that it makes it easier for you to carve out a space to be nonproductive.

The first mistake is trying to explain morality to a terrorist. Like trying to teach a rock to drive. It is impossible.

The government is controlling your mind through chem trails, we all know this is true.

The great thing about being rich is, you can embrace practices that kill the poor - that's what socialism does.

The inevitability of abortion. But I refuse to accept the amoral consequences that are even far worse than that, which is harvesting them because we decided that as an adult society, we can use children to make our lives better, if you seek the reverse.

The irony of prison is that it takes years and years and years to plan an elaborate escape, but all you have is years and years and years.

The media is Obama's scandal condom.

The media treats fear like a one-night stand. They jump on it and then they leave the next day and they forget - remember the Alar Scare? Things - see, nobody even remembers Alar.

The most problematic word in America is the word "problematic." It's a wuss word used by people to silence language without actually saying that they want to silence you. They don't want to go full fascist.

The people who whine about Fox News are hypocrites - they say they're totally tolerant, but when they run into someone who doesn't share their assumptions, they say, 'Fox News is evil, and it must be stopped.

The problem is, then you see immigrants saving cities in Baltimore and you see 40 Korean groceries get burned down.

The problem with leftism as a vice is that everyone else is stuck with the hangover.

The problem with legalization is we already have a dependent generation that's subsidized to oblivion. And will legal pot somehow slice another sliver of the population off of the productive world?

The problem with Republicans and Conservatives is we attack each other.

The thing which Reagan did, which was great, was he won the people. He marginalized the media. And that's what you need, an intellectual agility.

The world understands that our country could solve all conflicts with military solutions, but we won't because we have leaders and we have a moral responsibility but we have also have a political - we have a political leader who is scared and who is raised on the idea that American force is the true evil.

There are always gonna be people that are gonna be offended about something. This will never end.

There is an apocalyptic view to this that is actually kind of appealing, which is the only way to kill big government is to let it kill itself. It's suicide by gluttony. Right now, the government is approaching Fat Elvis during those years in the '70s right before he croaked on the toilet seat. Basically ObamaCare is a huge tray of bacon and banana sandwiches. And it could happen in our lifetimes.

There's an argument that celebrities stop growing mentally the moment they reach stardom and then they just - everything goes away. I think that's true.

Unlike those who fight truly intolerant things like terrorism throughout the world, Madonna is really the lone brave voice in the wilderness standing up against evil.

We have a greedy cycle where Human Rights Commissions fine citizens in order to pay their own salaries so they can employ more Human Rights Commissions. It's a bounty system where the prizes are business owner's heads. And so as restaurants go broke, tourists get stabbed. That's human rights in New York. And perhaps America.

We have two nations, and it's not black or white. It's red and blue. Under Republican leadership, cities tend to do better. Cities are destroyed under Democrats, because they don't know how to deal with the constituency; they're terrified.

We need an idiot middle ground, where we have to be honest and say, kids can be idiots and cops can be idiots.