Greg Behrendt quotes:

I've learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

I saw Aerosmith, and I was like, 'Wow, you can dress like a girl and still get girls? Hand me a scarf!'

I love astute observations and really great wordplay. I love the way that Louis C.K. observes life, and I love the way Patton Oswalt talks about it.

Deciding to get back together with someone is a complicated and difficult decision. Just remember that the person you are getting back together with is the same person who, not long before, looked you in your beautiful face, took full stock of you and all your qualities, and told you that he was no longer in need of your company.

The best thing that can happen in a relationship is when you are the same person you were before the relationship started. You are not hiding anything, and you still have a life of your own. The other best thing is sex - that is a super positive.

Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.

Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out, and they're working it out on your time and with your heart.

I have less friends, but I have more Cadbury Eggs.

I love to eat. That's why I got so fat; I love to eat. If I don't walk away from a meal hurting, I didn't do it right. If I don't walk away from Thanksgiving dinner feeling like I've been turkey-f**ked in a gingerbread prison, I didn't do it right.

There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. Quit goofing around and go find him.

Part of me also knows that this generation is the least racist and most pro-gay, so that's great. But they have a real lack of gravitas. And they have no taste in music. Vampire Weekend? Can we play some music, please? Can we rock out for a minute? Where's your Metallica?

So, I'm 34. I'm kind of becoming an adult - kind of, I guess. But I know that I am because, the other day, I said to somebody, 'Dude, dude, don't - those are the good plates.

I'm tired of seeing great women in bullshit relationships.

I went to stand-up when my rock n' roll dreams weren't coming true. I knew it wasn't going to happen when I was in a New Wave band in 1992 - at the height of grunge. Then I heard No Doubt's 'Spiderwebs' and I said, 'Well, we're done.' They did - and succeeded at - what we were trying to do.

If I had butterscotch pants and a cheetah sweater... I'd be just fine.

Most comics worship music on some level. It's more rock-n-roll to get up there for an hour and make people laugh.

Most authors writing books like 'He's Just Not That Into You' dream of doing what I was being asked to do. I didn't like it. I'm good at giving advice, but doing it on TV and radio felt wrong, and when people resisted my point of view, I was like, 'Why am I doing this? This was not the plan.' So I stopped. It didn't make me feel good.

The great thing about comedy is that the longer you've been alive, the more you have to talk about and the better you get. I've got some miles and some road savviness that some other guys don't have.

Be yourself. If something you do doesn't work, don't do it the next time. Listen to yourself - you know what appropriate behavior is.

Being brokenhearted is like having broken ribs. On the outside it looks like nothing's wrong, but every breath hurts.

She didn't love me that much, but she moved in with me. That's a plus. And then one night, I caught her making out with another dude on the driveway. That's a minus.

I do think that you can dress yourself out of a problem. The way that a haircut and a new pair of pants can make you feel is better than any therapist, because when you look in the mirror, you see a different person - you are a different person. It's superficial change that can lead to real change.

Part of being a comedian is that it's your job to look at life and regurgitate it in a funny way, to point out its absurdities.

We're taught that in life, we should try to look on the bright side. Not in this case. In this case, assume rejection first. Assume you're the rule, not the exception. It's liberating. But we also know it's not an easy concept. -He's not just into you

People don't admire you for what you hate, they admire you for what you do about it, and your slacks.

Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust.

The one cool thing with getting older is that you can actively choose to just be an eccentric.

You are not easily forgotten.

It is with great sadness and a heavy heart that have to announce that I ate kale and liked it.

Can you deep fry the bacon? Oh how I wish you would...

Ive learned that anything in life worth having comes from patience and hard work.

I'm just saying, tonight, if you're going through a breakup and you're drinking, don't call. Just don't do it. Don't call. Because here's the thing: booze has information in it!

Life is hard enough as it is without choosing someone difficult to share it with

Feeling in love (or lust) and fear feel a lot alike. They both give you that anxious butterfly feeling in your stomach, a sense of excitement, and a general unease physically and mentally. It's easy to confuse love with fear.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who's really into you.

It`s the prettiest place on the planet. My childhood was like a dream. It`s like the last Mayberry.

A man who wants to make a relationship work will move mountains to keep the woman he loves

Better than nothing is not good enough for you!

Alone also means available for someone outstanding.

Breakups hurt like a motherf*#ker, but they are not the end of the world. The pain is temporary, and if handled properly, they can even be life-changing.

First of all, never buy a man a plasma TV until you're married. A lot of men once they have a plasma TV they don't need a girlfriend

Drinking, eating, shopping, revenge, rebound sex, drugs or whatever your poison may be will number the pain - but that's all.

The quickest way to rectify that mistake (choosing the wrong person) is by learning from that, moving on, and choosing much more wisely in the future.

He doesn't need to be reminded you're great.

..he may love you, he may miss you, but ultimately he's just not that into you.

There will never be a good time, financially, to get married, unless you're Shaq or Ray Romano. But somehow people manage. If your man is using money as an excuse not to marry you, it's your relationship that's insecure, not his bank account.

There's nothing wrong with sending a quick note if you're busy or just want to flirt, but it's hard to have any real interaction over text. In the buffet of communication, text messaging should be a side dish, not the entree.

Trust yourself, because as Oprah says, doubt means don't every time

Beware of the word 'friend'. It can often be used by men or the women that love them to excuse the most unfriendly behavior. Personally, when I'm picking friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

I don't have a massive fan base. I don't have Patton Oswalt numbers, but the fan base I have is incredibly generous, and of the 22,000 people who follow me on Twitter, I think almost all of those people participate.

If you date, you will meet your share of weirdos and jerks. That is as sure as death and taxes.

I think probably - I think, you know, when you're first dating somebody, if they're just not that physical with you, if they don't want to make concrete plans with you, you know, if they're sort of ambiguous about where everything is going, I think that's a pretty good sign that they're not into you.

I don't know if you know you're funny, but you enjoy being funny. I know I'm funny because people tell me I am, but when I watch myself, it doesn't make me laugh. Does that make sense? Because I know the jokes, and to me, I feel like I'm pulling the wool over people's eyes. And there are probably people who do not enjoy what I do.

I get giddy with the idea of stringing words together that make people laugh.

We were raised to pursue women... Most of the guys I know enjoy the pursuit. But that doesn't mean women should be wallflowers.

...you are defined by how you live your life, not whom you live it with, and certainly not by what you gave up to be with that person.

A friend of mine told a story about a date with a guy she was really excited about: He stood her up. He then called her, begging her forgiveness and giving some excuse. She told him to get lost, telling him that he only gets one shot with her, and he blew it.

A good indication that it's not is if you're only staying with What's His Name because you're scared.

A man would rather be trampled by elephants on fire than tell you he's just not that into you.

Always be classy. Never be crazy.

An excuse is a polite rejection. Men are not afraid of 'ruining the friendship.

Anyone who assesses you or your relationship as disposable is not worthy of your time or tears.

As a guy I never liked being told to call, which my wife really never does, and that's why I call her as often as I do.

Because here's what guys don't do if they can't live without you: They don't break up with you.

Before you look for validation in others, try and find it in yourself

big plans require big action

Busy' is another word for 'asshole'. 'Asshole' is another word for the guy you're dating.

But he was so great!' Yes, and the people who got on the Titanic thought they were going on a vacation

But what I can do is paint you a picture of what you'll never see when you're with a guy who's really into you: You'll never see you staring maniacally at your phone, willing it to ring. You'll never see you ruining an evening with friends because you're calling for your messages every fifteen seconds. You'll never see you hating yourself for calling him when you know you shouldn't have. What you will see is you being treated so well that no phone antics will be necessary. You'll be too busy being adored.

Cheating gets easier every time it's done. It's only hard the first time, when one feels the sting of morality and the guilt of betraying someone's trust.

Don't be flattered that he misses you. He should miss you. You are deeply missable. However, he's still the same person who just broke up with you. Remember, the only reason he can miss you is because he's choosing, every day, not to be with you.

Don't spend your time on and give your heart to any guy who makes you wonder about anything related to his feelings for you

Don't idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don't idolize people... Because they'll let you down.

Don't waste the pretty

Don't you want the guy who'll forget about all the other things in his life before he forgets about you?

Every time you see him, you only make yourself vulnerable to further heartache. Do you really need further proof that he's getting on with his life without you?

For me, a breakup changed my entire life. I was a mess. I really got rocked, and I ended up turning it into a positive thing.

Good enough to tweet, not to say.

Having feelings doesn't mean you have to have sex.

He's just not that into you if he only wants to see you when he's drunk. If he likes you, he'll want to see you when his judgment isn't impaired.

He's just not that into you if he's not asking you out. Because if he likes you, trust me, he will ask you out.

How many presidents, do you think, ever said to another guy: 'I can't believe we're doing this in the White House'?

I always say that I love magic but I hate magicians. I like being fooled. If you wave your hands in front of my face and I think you're doing a trick, I'm easily impressed. If you pull a quarter out of my ear, I'm quite certain you're a wizard. But I don't like the way most magicians don't act like they're magical; they act like show business dicks.

I always tell people it's funny that they think I'm a relationship expert because my two books are about getting out of relationships.

I believe in love in hindsight, meaning attraction and connection can be remembered as love at first sight. But how could you possibly know at first sight? That's too much pressure to put on a relationship.

I don't know" means "NO!" "I don't know" means "I'm too cowardly to tell you the truth because I can't deal with confrontation." "I don't know" means please do the dirty work for me because I don't want to hurt your feelings even more then I already have.

I have two rules when you come to my house on Halloween. Wear a costume - 'cause if you've manned your door at your own house, you know how many kids will roll up, 14 years old with no costume and an attitude. My other rule: don't grab. Let me assess you and then design a candy situation for you.

I like the idea that when a guy comes over to the house, I get to say I wrote the book.

I mean, I feel like you can kill the same bird with both stones.

I want you to be yourself, but not with other dudes.

I will go anywhere if you say the phrase 'there might be cake.' I would go to the Department of Motor Vehicles, register somebody else's boat in Spanish, a language I do not speak, without ID - for cake.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won't keep you guessing, because he'll want to make sure you don't get frustrated and go away.

If a man is really into you, nothing will stop him from being with you - including a fear of intimacy.

If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and bring harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings and needs.

If he's not calling you, it's because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.

If my father is walking around going, 'Mmm, pussy,' he's thinking about eating the cat.

If we're friends with someone and attracted to them, we're going to want to take it further.

If you bury the pain deep down it will stay with you indefinitely, but if you open yourself to it, experience it, and deal with it head-on, you'll find it begins to move on after a while.

If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you, he will.

I'm certain prison is pretty rough as it is but imagine if you were a murderer and a foodie!

I'm fascinated with human relationships. I advocate the relationship you have with yourself.

I'm just not interested in daytime television, which is something you should remember the next time somebody offers you a daytime talk show.

I'm no longer a prisoner of my fears. Which really just means I'm using real butter.

It is in that moment, when you really lay down your cards and see the relationship for what it was, that you'll find the freedom to kick it in the ass and let it go.

It`s your version of whatever that is. We use those words because they are kind of empowering. Try to get back into your life and get back on track with dreams you have. There`s nothing more attractive than a person who likes herself.

It's time to stop pretending I'm ok with things I'm not ok with like all insects and Foster the People.

It's very tempting when you really want to be with someone to settle for much, much less -- even a vague pathetic facsimile of less -- than you would have ever imagined. Remember always what you set out to get and please don't settle for less. These guys exist because there are a lot of women out there who allow them to.

I've never tried to pass myself off as anything more than a comedian who wrote a dating book.

Let's call cheating what it is: a complete betrayal of trust. Cheaters are people who have a lot of stuff to work out and they're working it out on your time and with your heart. Some cheaters might give you an excuse, some might not have one at all, some might even blame you. No one can tell you exactly what to do when faced with this very complicated and painful situation. But the bottom line is, is this what you had hoped for in a relationship?

Let's start with this statistic: You are delicious. Be brave, my sweet. I know you can get lonely. I know you can crave companionship and sex and love so badly that it physically hurts. But I truly believe that the only way you can find out that there's something better out there is to first believe there's something better out there. What other choice is there?

Life's biggest rewards come from the biggest challenges

Men like to chase and you have to let us chase you. I know. It's insulting. It's frustrating. It's unfortunately the truth.

Men, for the most part, like to pursue women. We like not knowing if we can catch you. We feel rewarded when we do. Especially when the chase is a long one.

Most people don't want to leave their wife and children behind but many people seem to want to take leave of themselves.