Graham Chapman quotes:

  • Apart from the sanitation, the medicine, education, wine, public order, irrigation, roads, the fresh water system, and public health ... what have the Romans ever done for us? Brought peace!

  • Dressing up as decrepit old ladies, and even decrepit young ladies, was one of our staples.

  • In 1945, peace broke out. It was the end of the Joke. Joke warfare was banned at a special session of the Geneva Convention, and in 1950 the last remaining copy of the joke was laid to rest here in the Berkshire countryside, never to be told again.

  • Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition...

  • No one expects the Spanish Inquisition! Our chief weapon is surprise, fear and surprise; two chief weapons, fear, surprise, and ruthless efficiency! Er, among our chief weapons are: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, and near fanatical devotion to the Pope! Um, I'll come in again...

  • Stormy in love, stormy in interviews, breakfast in bed - that's me, love.

  • I don't want to talk to you no more, you empty headed animal food trough wiper. I fart in your general direction. Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries.

  • It's nice to see that look of alarm on the faces of the others.

  • There is no cannibalism in the British navy, absolutely none, and when I say none, I mean there is a certain amount.

  • When you're chewing on life's gristle Don't grumble, give a whistle And this'll help things turn out for the best... And...always look on the bright side of life... Always look on the light side of life.

  • Oh Lord please don't burn us don't kill or toast your flock. Don't put us on the barbecue or simmer us in stock. Don't bake or baste or boil us or stir-fry us in a wok.

  • We are no longer the knights who say Ni! We are now the knights who say ekki-ekki-ekki-pitang-zoom-boing!

  • All ideas come about through some sort of observation. It sparks an attitude; some object or emotion causes a reaction in the other person.

  • My philosophy, like color television, is all there in black and white.

  • Always look on the bright side of life.

  • This parrot is no more. It has ceased to be. It's expired and gone to meet its maker. This is a late parrot. It's a stiff. Bereft of life, it rests in peace. If you hadn't nailed it to the perch, it would be pushing up the daisies. It's rung down the curtain and joined the choir invisible. This is an ex-parrot.

  • Kilimanjaro is a pretty tricky climb you know, most of it's up until you reach the very very top, and then it tends to slope away rather sharply.

  • Listen, strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government

  • Spam, spam, spam, spam... Spam, spam, spam, spam.

  • Camelot is a silly place.

  • When Beethoven went deaf, the mynah bird just used to mime.

  • McGough: I'm sorry. I'm afraid I've caught poetry. Mr Bones: Oh really? Well, don't worry, sir - I used to suffer from short stories. McGough: Really? When? Mr Bones: Oh, once upon a time ...

  • John Howard Davies was not a very human person... if you made a mistake of any kind, any sort of pause in speech, he would treat you rather as if he was a schoolmaster.

  • Nudge, nudge, wink, wink. Know what I mean?

  • You see, I don't belive that libraries should be drab places where people sit in silence, that has been the main reason for our policy of employing wild animals as librarians.

  • Are you suggesting coconuts migrate?

  • I fart in your general direction.

  • I think that all good, right thinking people in this country are sick and tired of being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being told that all good, right thinking people in this country are fed up with being sick and tired. I'm certainly not, and I'm sick and tired of being told that I am.

  • I hope I will have achieved something lasting.

  • You know, there are many people in the country today who, through no fault of their own, are sane. Some of them were born sane. Some of them became sane later in their lives.

  • I can't talk to a man who bears an undeserved animosity towards ferrets.

  • World War II... did not happen to everyone, but it happened to most. There were people from Germany who were throwing bombs at us.

  • We don't deliberately set out to offend. Unless we feel it's justified.

  • You know, Python should have won a Grammy for our musical work on the show.

  • Death can really absorb a person. Lik most people, I would find it pleasant not to have to go, but you just accept that it's more or less inevitable.

  • A murderer is only an extroverted suicide.

  • An argument is a connected series of statements intended to establish a definite proposition... A contradiction is just the automatic gainsaying of anything the other person says." No, it's not...

  • At that time, a friend shall lose his friend's hammer, and the young shall not know where lieth the things possessed by their fathers that their fathers put there only just the night before ...

  • Bring out... The Comfy Chair!!!!

  • Exploding is a perfectly normal medical phenomenon.

  • First you must find... another shrubbery! Then, when you have found the shrubbery, you must place it here, beside this shrubbery, only slightly higher so you get a two layer effect with a little path running down the middle. ("A path! A path!") Then, you must cut down the mightiest tree in the forrest... with... a herring!

  • Health care does not worry me a great deal. I've been impressed by some wonderful old people.

  • I am known by many names, but you may call me...Tim.

  • I mean, if I went 'round saying I was an emperor, just because some moistened bint had lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away!

  • I'm afraid I'm not personally qualified to confuse cats.

  • Oh, you're in television! That's interesting. No, I mean, the word television is interesting. It's a hybrid, you see: tele- comes from the greek, and -vision comes from the latin. It should have been either "telerama", or "procolvision".

  • One thing for sure - a sheep is not a creature of the air.

  • One, two, ... five!" "Three, my lord.

  • She turned me into a newt. ... But I got better...

  • Tis but a scratch!" "A scratch? Your arm's off!" "No it isn't." "Then what's that?" "Oh come on, pansy!

  • We found that we didn't have much problem with him [J.C.], it was his followers we found questionable.

  • WHAT is your name? WHAT is your quest? and WHAT is your favorite color?

  • When danger reared its ugly head, He bravely turned his tail and fled.

  • We come from nothing, we are going back to nothing-In the end what have we lost? Nothing!

  • Sir Beldevere: What makes you think she's a witch? Peasant 3: Well, she turned me into a newt! Sir Beldevere: A newt? Peasant 3: [meekly after a long pause] ... I got better. Crowd: [shouts] Burn her anyway!