Gracie Allen quotes:

Classic Recipe for Roast Beef: 1 large Roast of beef 1 small Roast of beef Take the two roasts and put them in the oven. When the little one burns, the big one is done.

Brains, integrity, and force may be all very well, but what you need today is Charm. Go ahead and work on your economic programs if you want to, I'll develop my radio personality.

Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.

Gracie: "Don't give up, Blanche. Women don't do that. Look at Betsy Ross, Martha Washington-they didn't give up. Look at Nina Jones." Blanche Morton: "Nina Jones?" Gracie: "I've never heard of her either, because she gave up."

This used to be a government of checks and balances. Now it's all checks and no balances.

Cultivate friendships. If you don't have time to cultivate all of them, plow under every fifth one and collect your bonus.

When I was born I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.

It's foolish to bet on a horse without talking to him first. I know it seems silly to ask a horse who's going to win a race - but it's no sillier than asking anyone else.

The President of today is just the postage stamp of tomorrow.

I'm having my platform run up by a movie set designer, so it will be very impressive from the front, but not too premanent. After all, there's no sense putting a lot of time and thought into something you'll have no use for after you're elected.

When my mother had to get dinner for 8 she'd just make enough for 16 and only serve half.

I often put boiling water in the freezer. Then whenever I need boiling water,I simply defrost it.

A friend asked her doctor if a woman should have children after thirty-five. I said, "Thirty-five children is enough for any woman.

Every politician must be able to keep both feet on the fence with his ear to the ground.

I left my car parked at the top of Lombard Street Hill, and I forgot to put the breaks on. It's the funniest thing. The car is running down the hill.

It's a game everybody plays. If you see a man with a beard and holler "Beaver!" it's five points. And if you see a man with a moustache, it's onlI three points.

Education is worth a whole lot. Just think - with enough education and brains the average man would make a good lawyer - and so would the average lawyer.

As a well-known great man would have said if he had thought of it, "Don't go around offending people just because it can be done sitting down.

A platform is something a candidate stands for and the voters fall for.

A young boy shouldn't be given up for hopeless just because he's lazy, surly, and good for nothing. Don't be discouraged by those things - maybe he's just trying to be like his daddy.

All the other candidates are making speeches about how much they have done for their country, which is ridiculous. I haven't done anything yet, and I think it's just common sense to send me to Washington and make me do my share.

Every man is born with the ability to do something well. This is what the Lord intended him to do. Using that ability - what life is all about.

I don't see what difference it makes what side it's [your bread] buttered on. I always eat both sides.

I fully realize that every promise I make, the Republicans will double and the Democrats will redouble. They think this will make me vulnerable, but they don't know I have some tricks up my sleeve, along with a box of raisins to munch on while I'm waiting for the returns to come in.

I read a book twice as fast as anybody else. First, I read the beginning, and then I read the ending, and then I start in the middle and read toward whatever end I like best.

I'm the candidate who forgot to take off her hat before she threw it in the ring.

Let's all pull together and make these United States the grandest place in this whole country. I see a vision. A glorious vision. A united people, marching forward shoulder to shoulder, giving their all for the common good, working while I whistle.

My husband will never chase another woman. He's too fine, too decent, too old.

My mind works so fast. When I think of something I say it. Lots of times I say it even before I think of it.

Never place a period where God has placed a comma.

Some people are amazed at my brain, but really it's nothing.

The Senate is the only show in the world where the cash customers have to sit in the balcony.

They laughed at Joan of Arc, but she went right ahead and built it.

This country needs room to grow and expand. In all my own newspapers I read frightful tales of the shameful atrocities being perpetrated on our Democratic minorities in Maine and Vermont. My patience is almost at an end, and if provoked much further I will place both countries under American protection, even if I have to send in my tourists to start trouble so I'll have to send in a force to restore order.

This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them.

Today millions of people are living who will never do it again. Millions are being born for the first time-and millions are doing nothing because it's the best offer they've had this week. ... It is for these people and many others that the Surprise Party is conceived and desecrated, founded upon the principle that everybody is just as good as anybody else, even though they aren't quite so smart.

Try to understand me. Nothing is impossible.

We favor putting Congress on a commission basis. Pay them for results. If they do a good job and the country prospers, they get 10% of the extra take.

When you learn to make everybody happy, you will possess the golden secret of how to milk the contented voters. But do it in such a way that they won't think you want them to vote for you just because you need the money.They need the money, and besides, they can think up other reasons if they try.

You kissed me like that when I was a blushing bride ...? I wonder what I was blushing about?

You've buttered your bread, now sleep in it.

I think there's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.