George Lopez quotes:

I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.

I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.

So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.

David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.

You know how Mexican restaurants always have "border" in the name: Border Grill, Border Cafe. You wouldn't do that to black people: Kunta's Kitchen or Shackles. They don't do it to white people. You don't see the Honkey Grill, the Cracker Barrel... oh, nevermind.

The jewelry stores say, 'Tell your wife you love her with a diamond,' while wives tell you they love you with, 'Ok, but just because it's Valentine's Day.'

Sarah Palin is Latina. Pay-leen. She has an infant and a grandkid the same age. Latina!

I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.

Marijuana brownies are amazing. Very simple to make, too. Just get some Duncan Hines brownie mix and cook the weed right in there. Drop it right in with the butter. I don't know who came up with this idea first, but it's sheer genius.

If laughter is the best medicine, I promise to continue to make you laugh as my wife and I work together with the National Kidney Foundation to save lives.

Tied one on last night. Not feeling great this morning. I was trying to sleep it off, unfortunately, it was on the casino floor.

Y'know, if those pews reclined, and the priests gave the Raiders scores I'd go to church every Sunday.

I have dogs in my house and much like teenagers at some point, they leave the parents. Even though they're in the same house, they live independently. I think that's how I live with the Chihuahuas.

I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.

It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.

We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!

When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.

From now on, we're home schooling you. Whatever we don't know, you don't know. When did the Korean War start? I don't know, and neither do you!

Angie, I've seen my mom wrestle two cops to the ground with a taser dart in her neck, and you cry when your shoes pinch. Good luck, Bambi!

When I first heard about Beverly Hills Chihuahua, I thought, no. This, this is ridiculous. And then you read the script and you close the script and you go, "They aren't going to be able to do that with real dogs. How are they going to do that?" You're going to see the strings. But they did.

I'm a big fan of reality shows. I thought the first one, Dukes of Hazzard, captured white people perfectly.

The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.

I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.

The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves."

Look, I made a commitment to corn 17 years ago. Sure, I'm a man. I like to go to a barbecue and see beans that I like: baked beans, red beans, black beans, big plump garbanzos. But in the end, I always come home to my sweet, sweet corn.

At the factory, I deal with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers. And I'm not just talking about my mom.

One time, I was so hungry, I ate the beans in a bean bag chair.

I do everything one at a time, one day at a time. It's the only way I can do all what I want. I stopped watching [most of] the news and entertainment shows. I think it's helped me to stay a little clearer. Do I need to know what Kevin Federline is doing? And I don't sleep a lot. I'm always connected to [my work].

Life is great and golf has been one of the great parts of it for me.

No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!

When I was 10 there wasnt trampolines and cartoon charaters, I never went to Chuck E Cheese! My mom said 'You wanna see a mouse pull the refrigerator Out!'

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.

Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.

It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.

If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.

It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.

When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.

I never realized I could love people as much as I do now.

[There's] a joke that I've done forever: 'Nowadays they say that the largest majority of people will be Latino and you'll tell scary stories to your grandkids: "A long time ago when I was growing up, there used to be people who were white," and the kid says, "Really?" and you say, "Yeah, like the man who cuts our grass."' I've had that line forever and I love it.

80% of the women who were asked if they fake orgasms said yes. Actually, they said Yes! Oh God, Yes!

A Dodger uniform just doesn't look good with a cummerbund.

An animal has to suffer for us old-school Latinos to get what we want.

As Latinos, you want [people] to come to America - not necessarily Latinos, but [anyone who wants] to come here for a better life. That's kind of how this country was founded and the history of this country.

As long as you're a tax deduction, you'll always be safe in my house.

Barack Obama may be black, but John McCain is the first Albino presidential candidate: he's completely see-through!

By the time I was 11, I wanted to be a comedian. So all those years later, I've managed to achieve my dream as a kid, and it wasn't easy. I'm on the [Hollywood] Walk of Fame and I'm one of the 25 most influential Hispanics in America, according to Time Magazine. I think my duty is to go back and tell kids, 'Whatever color you are, wherever you come from, anything and everything is possible.' And I'm living proof.

D.C. is a great place. The music, jazz, has always been great here, the restaurants have always been fantastic here. And there's been a lot of changes in this city over the last 30 years, and all for the better.

Everything we play when we are growing up, is team related. In this game (of golf) you can find all the answers yourself. You don't need to throw the ball in the air and play catch with yourself. You get a bucket of balls and go out there with your clubs, and you hit and learn and you get better. And there's no top.

Finally there is someone that you can invest in that looks like you, speaks like you, relates to things you relate to, and make our culture okay to talk about.

George: Why've you had a grudge against your brother for 15 years? Benny: We Lopezes are a proud people... George: You have a birthday lunch at Denny's every month. We're not that proud!

I actually graze at several of the homes while Im playing. There a lot of food going on. I drink and eat and use the restrooms in a lot of the houses. What better way to really get closer to the fans than to steal their soap from the restrooms as they allow you to enter their homes?

I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.

I can never do nothing in this house!

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

I got a pain in my chest, and I can't breathe

I grew up not having a father. Golf is the father I never had. It taught me honesty and respect and discipline and it taught me to control my temperament.

I look at movies, unfortunately, and I still see a lot of movies [lacking diversity].

I prefer my Mexican food to have a little bit of an animal that suffered a little bit. That's some of the best food.

I spend a lot of time alone and my wife understands that I need to be alone. I enjoy being alone. But I'm never lonely.

I think it's easier for African American and white comics to be praised than it is Latinos because they think our culture or our humor is substandard. I mean, I just don't think they want to give us credit. I just don't think that they see us as important enough to be at their level. I'm the longest-produced comedy at Warner Bros. and I don't feel special. They come over and say hello. But everybody's gonna make a lot of money and I don't feel like I'm special to them.

I think we all feel the same things most of the time, we just don't know how to put it into words. When I'm on stage, I say it. The truth makes people laugh.

I used to be ashamed by the way that I grew up. I tried to lie my way through better times, but when you think that honesty and truth is really your best weapon you embrace it and put it behind you. In the end, it drives you and motivates you to do good work. No one should be ashamed about where they come from as long as you desire to be a compassionate and decent person.

I want to tell you about a woman I have been married to for ten years, my wife, Ann, who speaking truthfully, saved me from myself. Who saved me from destroying myself because of my background. Who saved me from wasting my life, drinking my life away, never fulfilling my dreams because of what I had come from, and truly believing and loving - truly the first person to ever truthfully, unconditionally love me.

I'd love to have Michael Jackson [in my show] because he's black and white. So he would appeal to a universal demographic.

I'd shake his hand, but I think that's what's holding up his pants.

If you had a personal trainer, you would probably eat him. I know that in every fat person, there's a skinny person inside, but you could have all the season's contestants of America's Next Top Model in you. I hope I get reincarnated as your feet. That way, you'd never see my face again... Oh, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have insulted you. Because in my country, cows are sacred.

if you make waffles, throw out the first one.

If you read social media, you can see how immigration is such a hot-button debate and [a hotbed] of ignorance. You know there's guys that say immigrants come here, and they create so much crime and they take jobs. There's multiple sides to every story.

If you want a show to succeed, you're going to have to have a certain amount of people watch who are non-black and non-Latino. If you can't cross over, you don't belong on TV. That's not just me saying it. That's just the way it is.

I'm not afraid to take on somebody or say something that somebody will find offensive because unfortunately in comedy, you can't say anything really good without offending somebody.

Immigration is an issue of global significance in America. And if you look at the terrorist alerts and attacks, Latinos [as a group] are not in the top five list [for] terror alerts.

It's good to see people not smoking. You get dressed up, and you smoke, and it gets in your clothes. You go, 'What should I wear tonight?' 'I don't know, honey, how about something menthol?'

I've gotten in trouble with every race you can imagine.

Laughter survives... it has to survive.

Life is moments going by, but if you don't grab them, they're gone. For a long time, the only moments that were available were bad ones. So now I make sure to grab the good ones.

Making a movie about one group of people isolates the larger majority. That's what I require of the projects that I'm involved with. I would not ever make a movie strictly for Latinos.

Max: What's a period? George: It's a bullet we dodge, go get ready.

Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!

My grandmother instilled in me a toughness that comes with survival. She was a tough lady and never truly enjoyed her life. She would always worry about things and I would tell her that it wasn't going to get her anywhere and it didn't. I wasn't even that smart back then, but I knew that worrying about everyone else wasn't good for her health. As Latinos, we stress and worry so much about the future when the future is today. As long as we protect what's good in our lives, we will be all right.

My wife gave me a book before we got married, Oh, the Places You'll Go!, by Dr. Seuss. She was trying to tell me something, about what I was capable of, but I didn't get it. Over time, I've sort of lived the message in that book, and I couldn't have without what golf taught me. So I put it in my bag while I played the Old Course, and on the last hole when I posed on the Swilcan Bridge, I held it up.

No particular race is the enemy. Ignorance is the enemy.

Obama is the closest thing to a Latino that we have. Barack. Everybody wants to see his birth certificate too.

People who are homeless, they're not all addicts. A lot of times, they're just people who, through something like losing their job or losing someone in their life, ended up on the streets. So much of our time is spent in cars that sometimes you need to look out of those windows. And you see that a dollar, 50 cents, whatever you have, may not mean much to you, but it means everything to people who are hungry and who are in need.

Presents? We already bought you a lot of things. Member when we were at the market and I bought you gum? You'member.

Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.

So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write

Sometimes when you win, you think you're going to get everything to go your way.

The average late-night viewer is in their mid-50s and the average viewer of TBS is in their 30s and is largely African-American and Hispanic, already, before I even get there.

This is L.A. You wanna learn Spanish? Take the bus.

Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.

We need to get better at voting and be a voice for the people who do not have one.

We're Mexican not Mexican't!

We're Mexi-cans not Mexi-can'ts.

When we got married, we agreed on a boy for me, and a girl for you. Mine's upstairs sleeping. Good luck with yours!

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show

You know, you walk through this hotel, you're not going to see all white people; you're not going to see all black people; you're going to see what the world looks like. I promised myself that if I ever got an opportunity where I would be able to make a difference and have a say, that I would want to deliver [that] message [of inclusivity].

You're never going to be a Yankee for a day, or you're never going to be a Laker, but with Pro-Ams, they allow you to feel like you're a professional golfer and play under their conditions.

It's an honor to walk in the footsteps of a legend. As host I intend to honor the tradition of The Bob Hope Classic and have a great time blazing a new path.