Frankie Boyle quotes:

I like storms. I like thunder and lightning. What I do during a storm is shag my girlfriend and pretend that we're taking part in the conception of the Antichrist.

For 3 million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person (on Margaret Thatcher)

I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day... Chlamydia.

Apparently they're going to bring in Super Asbos. But Asbos already sound too cool. Teenagers see them as a badge of honour. They should call them Gaybos or Bender Badges.

I can't help thinking the failed New York bomber would've done far more damage if he'd simply driven throught Times Square in a Toyota.

Stephen Hawking: Brainier than Kurt Cobain's garage wall.

Don't you think its quite weird for Prince Harry, getting really stoned and seeing your grans face appearing on your money.

The East End of Glasgow is like the Olympics. Lots of foriegners in tracksuits struggling to speak English.

If Harry Potter's so magical, why cant he cure his own eyesight and get laid. A teenage lad shouldnt need a broomstick to cling onto.

What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked, instead of this multiple choice system? If anything goes wrong, you'll be sitting there while the whole toilet wall slowly slides away, unveiling you like a prize on a quiz show. For 500 points, a shitting woman!

They're always going, don't deal with terrorists. Let's deal with them. What's Allah offering you boys, 100 virgins? We'll give you 50 slags.

The average life expectancy rate in some parts of Glasgow is 54. If you've ever been there, you'll realize that that's maybe a bit long.

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Congratulations on passing your test! Your HIV positive.

The English are worried about the Euro being brought in because of loss of national identity and rising prices. In Scotland, people are just worried in case they have to close Poundstretcher.

It seems amazing that the Navy SEALs managed to get inside the compound and shoot Osama so efficiently. I can only imagine they were told that the mission was to rescue a bearded British hostage and he must be brought out alive.

I always wondered about that woman who had that face transplant. If you went to bed with her, would that technically count as a threesome?

They've bought out a condom now for people with premature ejaculation and they've put an anesthetic in the lining that makes you numb and you can last for longer. Or, you can wear it inside out and you don't have to wake anybody up!

Welcome to Glasgow - the city where we punch people who are on fire.

I don't know how long i could be a vet before i got bored and started shagging stuff.

Does anyone find it ironic how a program aimed at old people is called 'Countdown'?

It's good they're holding the Olympics in the East End of London. Means the athletes will have to use extra skill to work out which gunshot is the starting pistol.

Why is it that it's okay to call a white person "mate" yet it's not okay to call a black guy "primate"?

It turns out your not dyslexic, your just really really stupid.

When I heard Cristiano Ronaldo was pictured holding a manbag, I was surprised it was a gucci bag and not another guy's sack.

When I went to school, sex education was mainly muttered warnings about the janitor.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Political correctness has changed everything. People forget that political correctness used to be called spastic gay talk.

Scientists have just built the world's biggest supercollider, and they're doing experiments to see what makes up protons. I hope that if the experiment's successful, the whole of our reality will dissolve, and a big sign will up come that says: Level Two.

Victoria Beckham looks like she has a dump once every four years. That's probably how David knows that there's a World Cup coming up.

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

We don't live in a shared reality, we each live in a reality of our own, and causing upset is often the price of trying to reach each other. It's always easier to dismiss other people than to go through the awkward and time consuming process of understanding them. We have given 'taking offense' a social status it doesn't deserve: it's not much more than a way of avoiding difficult conversations.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

The government are considering spending £3million on a state funeral for Margaret Thatcher when she dies. For £3million they could buy everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we'll dig a hole deep enough to deliver her to Satan ourselves.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

I feel sorry for Obama because he's still got to fight the innate racism of Americans. I mean, did you see his first speech, when he got made President and they put all that bullet proof glass in front of him? I think that shows you how racist America still is. Just because he's black doesn't mean he's going to shoot anybody.

People who think there's no good way to die have obviously never heard the phrase 'Drug-fuelled-sex-heart-attack'.

Let me ask you a question. How long is too long to text someone back? My wife still thinks I died in 9/11.

I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

Congratulations you're 18!... On a list of 20 people I'm going to kill.

Does anyone actually think that Beckham knows he's in America? I think he just follows a football and all he notices is that it occasionally gets warmer.

I watched the footage of Saddam being executed, and it really made me think...is there nothing on the internet that I won't masturbate to?

I did Scottish footballer of the year this year, attempted to do some comedy at that. Not the brightest people in the world. There were seven O-Levels in that room, and they were all mine.

On the most Scottish thing he'd ever seen: I was going through a town called Bathgate at around 11 o'clock at night. And there was a guy leaning and pissing against a front door. He then took out his keys and went inside.

I would have loved to have had a gay dad. At school, there were always kids saying 'my dad is bigger than your dad, my dad will batter your dad!' So what? My dad will shag your dad..and your dad will enjoy it.

The only award I've been nominated for is a Scottish BAFTA. A Scottish BAFTA, it's like hearing that the animals have their own Olympics. You hear all this stuff about TV being faked. Of course it's faked. It's all faked. That documentary a couple of weeks ago about tribal warfare among monkeys, that was all filmed in a Yates wine lodge in Dundee. Comic Relief is faked. Everybody in Africa is fine.

A 66-YEAR-OLD woman has become the oldest new mum in Britain after giving birth to a baby boy. I'm amazed she needed to have a caesarean section though, you'd think at 66 she would have needed some masking tape down there just to stop it falling out.

RyanAir have been getting a hard time because they've launched a £7 flight to New York. Although as always with RyanAir it does land slightly outside of New York. In Dublin.

Barack Obama will appeal to both black and white voters in America. White voters who'll think he's Tiger Woods.

Jordan ran the London marathon to help raise money for the blind. After jogging that far with her body, I'm surprised she hasn't joined them!

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

Now, the magic of British parks at night, as Bill Oddie presents.. Gaywatch.

Bisexuals are really attracted to senior Lib Dems - as they are both a man and a great big pussy.

The owners of a dog which swallowed a diamond worth £12000 had to wait three days until it re-emerged. With a bit of planning it could have been a nice way to propose.

I guess we were kinda poor when we were kids, but we didn't know it. That's because my dad always refused to let us look at the family's financial records.

Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative: aye right.