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Definition of Statistics: The science of producing unreliable facts from reliable figures.
America believes in education: the average professor earns more money in a year than a professional athlete earns in a whole week.
A signature always reveals a man's character - and sometimes even his name.
Definition of a Statistician: A man who believes figures don't lie, but admits than under analysis some of them won't stand up either.
Success is the good fortune that comes from aspiration, desperation, perspiration,and inspiration.
Zoo: An excellent place to study the habits of human beings.
All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy - and Jill a wealthy widow.
Etymology: from Latin ad-, "to" + visum, past participle of videre, "to see". Advice is what you get from your parents when you are growing up, and from your children when you are growing old.
Adolescence begins when children stop asking questions-because they know all the answers.
The quizzical expression of the monkey at the zoo comes from his wondering whether he is his brother's keeper, or his keeper's brother.
Anger is the feeling that makes your mouth work faster than your mind.
Housework is what a woman does that nobody notices unless she hasn't done it.
Don't tear your hair out over a woman; it'll be harder to attract the next one if you're bald.
Every bride and groom would do well to remember that in wedding, the we comes before the I.
Walking isn't a lost art: one must, by some means, get to the garage.
Common sense is usually lack of imagination, and imagination is usually lack of common sense.
Hindsight is good, foresight is better; but second sight is best of all.
This may be the age of automation, but love is still being made by hand.
Women diet to retain their girlish figures or their boyish husbands.
With a braggart, it's no sooner done than said.
A bright eye indicates curiosity; a black eye, too much.
Many a man works himself to death by burying himself in his work.
A husband may forget where he went on his honeymoon, but he never forgets why.
The most popular form of altruism is giving to others the advice you cannot use yourself.
A hamburger by any other name costs twice as much.
Don't be a hog: the only time a hog helps the community is when he dies.
The honeymoon is the only period when a woman isn't trying to reform her husband.
Some women get divorces on the grounds of incompatibility; others, on just the first two syllables.
Many a girl who can't dance well makes up for it during intermission.
A special skill, like speaking several languages, or keeping your mouth shut in one.
If you can't bear to have your face stepped on, don't try to climb the ladder of success.
[A mathematician is a] scientist who can figure out anything except such simple things as squaring the circle and trisecting an angle.
The mint makes it first, it is up to you to make it last.
The modern dance is no dance in the first place, and when you've finally learned it, it's not modern any more.
Canada's climate is nine months winter and three months late in the fall.
If you want to be successful, you must either have a chance or take one.
Family: A social unit where the father is concerned with parking space, the children with outer space, and the mother with closet space.
There would be no population explosion if people who are trying to keep the wolf from the door wouldn't let the stork fly in through the window.
Public speaking is the art of diluting a two-minute idea with a two-hour vocabulary.
A husband is like a fire - he goes out when unattended.
Conscience is what makes a boy tell his mother before his sister does.
A creature that never cries over spilt milk: a cat.
Statistics: The only science that enables different experts using the same figures to draw different conclusions.
The Lord takes care of his own, but church trustees still put lightning rods on the steeple.
The car was invented as a convenient place to sit out traffic jams
A vacation is like love - anticipated with pleasure, experienced with discomfort, and remembered with nostalgia.
Hope is tomorrow's veneer over today's disappointment.
Compare what you want with what you have, and you'll be unhappy; compare what you deserve with what you have, and you'll be happy.
A word to the wise is -- unnecessary.
An epigram is the marriage of wit and wisdom; a wisecrack, their divorce.
Character is what you have left when you've lost everything you can lose.
An expert is someone who takes something you already know and makes it sound confusing.
If it required some effort to go from today to tomorrow, some people would always remain in yesterday.
The lazy man claims he is too heavy for light work and too light for heavy work.
There's only one thing worse than to live without working, and that is to work without living.
Worry makes people thin, except when they worry about being fat.
If you don't like to make excuses or apologies, stop making promises.
All men are born equal, but some of them outgrow it.
Egocentricity: The vanity that makes you wonder what people are thinking about you when they are really wondering what you are thinking about them.
Communism is a form of society where the less people have to eat, the more they have to swallow.
Ego: The only thing that can keep growing without nourishment.
Children grow out of childhood, but parents never grow out of parenthood.
Egocentric: A person who has his I's too close together.
There is a lot of difference between the man who is not able and his brother who is notable.
A bacteriologist is a man whose conversation always start with the germ of an idea.
In elections, the undecided vote is usually the deciding factor.
A compromise is a settlement by which each side gets what neither side wanted.
The reason why men who mind their own business succeed is that they have so little competition.
Conceit is a disease That the doctors got no cure They've done a lot of research on it But what it is, they're still not sure.
A batch of credit cards fattens a wallet before it thins it.
Life is a game played on us while we are playing other games.
The only thing worse than being on the wrong side of an argument is to be on the right side with no one listening.
Experience is a great teacher, and sometimes a pretty teacher is a great experience.
[Statistics] The science that can prove everything except the usefulness of statistics.
A bureaucrat is an official who is clothed with power and whom it doesn't fit.
[Statistics] Fiction in its most uninteresting form.
All things come to him who waits, but they are mostly leftovers from those who didn't wait.
You can always make a loan at a bank if you can show sufficient evidence that you don't need it.
Egotist: 1. A person who is his own best friend. 2. An I specialist. 3. A man whose opinions all change, except the one he has of himself.
Good teachers cost a lot; but, poor teachers cost a lot more.
Nothing ages your car as much as the sight of your neighbor's new one.
The trouble with the world is that laziness is seldom curable and never fatal.
A man is known by the company he keeps, but a woman is known by the company she keeps waiting.
More diets start in dress shops than in doctors' offices.
If you want to be different nowadays, just act normal.
The man who avoids debt doesn't have to worry about avoiding his creditors.
The trouble with dieting is that a pound of will power takes off only an ounce of weight.
Hard work never hurt anyone who hired someone else to do it.
Diets show to what great lengths women will go so as not to go to great widths.
The man who doctors himself with the aid of medical books, runs the risk of dying of a typographical error.
It takes far more courage to violate a custom than a law.
The only time a lazy man ever succeeds is when he tries to do nothing.
The lecturer who is full of his subject is usually very slow in emptying himself.
Conscience gets a lot of credit that really belongs to cowardice.
In a democracy, you believe it or not; in a dictatorship, you believe it or else.
Eloquence is the art of saying as little as possible but making it sound as much as possible.
You can't judge the ability of a doctor by the amount of praise the undertakers give him.
Divorce is the price people play for playing with matches.
The survival of the fittest is going to make some man very lonesome some day.
The diamond is the hardest stone -- to get.
Corrupt officials are usually close-mouthed and open-handed.
The best way to make a long story short is to stop listening.
Under dictatorship, the people in prison are always superior to the people who put them there.
The difference between us and other people is that their money looks bigger and their troubles smaller.
A cynic sees little to admire in the world, while the world sees even less to admire in him.
There are two kinds of leaders: those who are interested in the flock, and those who are interested in the fleece.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for the envious with erasers.
You are not fully dressed until you wear a smile.
Reactionary: One who wants the rules enforced so nobody can take his pile away from him the way he got it from others.
Think twice before you speak, and then you may be able to say something more insulting than if you spoke right out at once.
All men are created equal and endowed by their Creator with a mighty urge to become otherwise.
The word impossible is peculiar because if you examine it closely, you'll find that most of it is possible.
A bore finds it easy to start talking, and even easier to get others to stop listening.
Consistency is a jewel, but too much jewelry is vulgar.
Times change: it was once the custom to take a bath weekly and religion daily.
Only one man has the right to boast, and that's the man who never does.
Adam and Eve were the first of all unions to defy management.
It's not the loss of life that makes the death bitter -- it's the obituaries.
The best way to spoil a good story is by sticking to the facts.
The man who has a girl in every port is not a sailor but a wholesaler.

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