Dov Davidoff quotes:

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Dating a white girl is like dating a black girl if she were really passive-agressive.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

The downside of aging is a slower metabolism and achy joints.The upside is a knowledge of self that prevents one from behaving like a baboon.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Being anti-social can also mean that you're aware of how annoying it is to be social.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

Do you love me for me?... I don't even love me for me.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

Trannies dress up like women, then try to bang straight guys. They're the adrenaline junkies of gayness.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Headphone aren't big enough these days. Why not just throw a couple of stereo speakers in a full face motorcycle helmet.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Latin women enjoy being women more than other women.

Life is fragile, unless your in the NFL in which case you'll need to wear padding.

People who say life is precious don't spend much time on line at the airport.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.

Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

The rift between culture and pop-culture has never been greater.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

You can tell a lot about a person by whether or not they're a transvestite.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Coming to terms with my feelings of worthlessness isn't always a bad time, but it's rarely a good one.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

I hate to see a woman cry, unless of course I'm crying first in which case I feel it's appropriate.

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.