Doug Larson quotes:

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  • If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.

  • Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

  • A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.

  • The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.

  • Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

  • If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.

  • For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.

  • For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.

  • Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.

  • The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.

  • Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.

  • A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!

  • The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice.

  • A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.

  • A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.

  • Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

  • If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.

  • Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.

  • The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.

  • The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.

  • The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.

  • The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.

  • Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.

  • Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.

  • The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.

  • Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.

  • There's nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in humanity.

  • Few things are more delightful than grandchildren fighting over your lap.

  • The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.

  • Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of responsibility for our shortcomings.

  • Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.

  • A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.

  • Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.

  • Nostalgia: A device that removes the ruts and potholes from memory lane.

  • People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.

  • Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.

  • More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.

  • Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties

  • Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties

  • The trouble with the last snowfall of the season is that you can't be sure.

  • Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.

  • To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

  • Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.

  • Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.

  • A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.

  • Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none.

  • There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.

  • Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.

  • Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.

  • What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of living high.

  • A clean basement, garage and attic are signs of an empty life.

  • Bad news travels fast. Good news takes the scenic route.

  • Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.

  • A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.

  • A perfect example of the power of prayer is when a blizzard closes the schools on the day of a big exam.

  • Achieving it is not only the chief means of adding to your regular duties.

  • An alibi is a reason with a bad reputation.

  • The real secret of patience is to find something to do in the meantime.

  • One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.

  • Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment.

  • Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.

  • The reason people blame things on the previous generation is that there's only one other choice.

  • They should have picked a different city to name after a man who reputedly never told a lie.

  • It's a wise person who knows the difference between free speech and cheap talk.

  • There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.

  • How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?

  • It's your ability to inspire and uplift other people that matters, not your ability to outdo them.

  • Fancy Restaurant: one that serves cold soup on purpose.

  • Democracy is a system that gives people a chance to elect rascals of their own choice.

  • Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates.

  • In debating the respective merits of dogs and cats, not having to walk a cat when it's 20 below zero deserves consideration.

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