Doug Larson quotes:
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If all the cars in the United States were placed end to end, it would probably be Labor Day Weekend.
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Life expectancy would grow by leaps and bounds if green vegetables smelled as good as bacon.
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A weed is a plant that has mastered every survival skill except for learning how to grow in rows.
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The world is full of people looking for spectacular happiness while they snub contentment.
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Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.
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If people concentrated on the really important things in life, there'd be a shortage of fishing poles.
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For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.
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For every little kid who still believes in Santa Claus, there is at least one adult who still believes in professional wrestling.
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Real elation is when you feel you could touch a star without standing on tiptoe.
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The surprising thing about young fools is how many survive to become old fools.
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Wisdom is the reward you get for a lifetime of listening when you'd have preferred to talk.
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A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!
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The reason people blame things on previous generations is that there's only one other choice.
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A lot of people mistake a short memory for a clear conscience.
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A pun is the lowest form of humor, unless you thought of it yourself.
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Some of the world's greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.
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If the English language made any sense, lackadaisical would have something to do with a shortage of flowers.
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Establishing goals is all right if you don't let them deprive you of interesting detours.
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The aging process has you firmly in its grasp if you never get the urge to throw a snowball.
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The cat could very well be man's best friend but would never stoop to admitting it.
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The only nice thing about being imperfect is the joy it brings to others.
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The trouble with learning from experience is that you never graduate.
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Sometimes opportunity knocks, but most of the time it sneaks up and then quietly steals away.
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Wisdom is the quality that keeps you from getting into situations where you need it.
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The trouble with class reunions is that old flames have become even older.
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Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties.
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There's nothing like having grandchildren to restore your faith in humanity.
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Few things are more delightful than grandchildren fighting over your lap.
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The idea that no one is perfect is a view most commonly held by people with no grandchildren.
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Heredity is a splendid phenomenon that relieves us of responsibility for our shortcomings.
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Ice hockey is a form of disorderly conduct in which the score is kept.
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A child is a person who can't understand why someone would give away a perfectly good kitten.
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Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
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Nostalgia: A device that removes the ruts and potholes from memory lane.
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People are living longer than ever before, a phenomenon undoubtedly made necessary by the 30-year mortgage.
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Nostalgia is a file that removes the rough edges from the good old days.
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More marriages might survive if the partners realized that sometimes the better comes after the worse.
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Accomplishing the impossible means only that the boss will add it to your regular duties
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Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties
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The trouble with the last snowfall of the season is that you can't be sure.
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Spring is when you feel like whistling even with a shoe full of slush.
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To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.
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Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.
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Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, and paradise is when you have none.
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A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success.
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Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three - and paradise is when you have none.
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There must be a happy medium somewhere between being totally informed and blissfully unaware.
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Few things are more satisfying than seeing your children have teenagers of their own.
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Never doubt the courage of the French. They were the ones who discovered that snails are edible.
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What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of living high.
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A clean basement, garage and attic are signs of an empty life.
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Bad news travels fast. Good news takes the scenic route.
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Accomplishing the impossible means only the boss will add it to your regular duties.
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A lifetime isn't nearly long enough to figure out what it's all about.
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A perfect example of the power of prayer is when a blizzard closes the schools on the day of a big exam.
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Achieving it is not only the chief means of adding to your regular duties.
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An alibi is a reason with a bad reputation.
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The real secret of patience is to find something to do in the meantime.
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One nice thing about telling a clean joke is there's a good chance no one's heard it before.
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Setting a good example for your children does nothing but increase their embarrassment.
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Autumn is a season followed immediately by looking forward to spring.
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The reason people blame things on the previous generation is that there's only one other choice.
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They should have picked a different city to name after a man who reputedly never told a lie.
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It's a wise person who knows the difference between free speech and cheap talk.
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There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4 am. It could be a right number.
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How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
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It's your ability to inspire and uplift other people that matters, not your ability to outdo them.
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Fancy Restaurant: one that serves cold soup on purpose.
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Democracy is a system that gives people a chance to elect rascals of their own choice.
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Law of Airlines: The shorter the time between flights, the greater the distance between gates.
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In debating the respective merits of dogs and cats, not having to walk a cat when it's 20 below zero deserves consideration.