Dave Chappelle quotes:

The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

I don't want anything bad to happen to the United States, but if North Korea ever drops a nuclear bomb on this country, I swear to God I hope it lands in Hartford, Connecticut.

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Dave! Relax! Close your buttcheeks!

I'm famous today. People like me today. Might not like me tomorrow. You can't count on it.

Every black American is bilingual. All of them. We speak street vernacular and we speak 'job interview.'

Most of the people around me have a vested interest in how much money I make. You know, so a celebrity could find themselves in a position where people could have meetings about their life without them involved. And when I say 'their life' I mean not their professional life either. They could talk about their personal life.

I think extreme sports are really good for relieving stress.

I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

I got real important relationships in my life that are very empowering relationships.

I still think people do have racial hang-ups, but I think one of the reasons I can joke about it is people are shedding those racial hatreds.

I love being famous - it's phenomenal.

You can't get un-famous. You can get infamous, but you can't get un-famous.

Comedy is a very approval-oriented field.

They do what they do for money - that's all. I don't even know why you're listening to me. I've done commercials for both Coke and Pepsi. Truth is, I can't even taste the difference, but Pepsi paid me last, so there it is.

I want to tell my jokes. I want to have time with my children. I want to entertain people. And at one point, I'll walk away from show business. But I don't want to walk away empty-handed.

The way the people around you position themselves around you to get in your pockets and in your mind is infuriating to me.

Everyone around me says, You're a genius! You're great! That's your voice! But I'm not sure if they're right.

I'm cool with failing so long as I know that there are people around me that love me unconditionally.

I enjoy my own thoughts sometimes.

There's something about doing stand-up that's cathartic.

Most people don't know what it's like to stand up there and speak their mind. I have a venue to do that. I get paid to do that. It's not like I'm doing heavy lifting up there. It's not like I'm solving the world's problems. It's like I'm hanging out with a bunch of people and it's cool.

I was doing sketches that were funny but socially irresponsible. I felt I was deliberately being encouraged and I was overwhelmed.

Something about New York, man: You can do more comedy there probably than you can anywhere in the world. If you're interested in being funny, New York is the place to go.

You got to be careful of the company you keep.

I care about the work I do. But I'm not going to say that money's not an issue.

I think every group of black guys should have at least one white guy in it.

If you don't have the right people around you and you're moving at a million miles an hour you can lose yourself.

Hey hey hey, smoke weed everyday

You know you must be doing something right if old people like you.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. "I don't understand this person. So they're crazy." That's bullshit. These people are not crazy. They strong people. Maybe their environment is a little sick.

Money is the fuel for choices. Money gives me choices, so it's not nothing, it's something," he continued. "But it's not the end all, be all. There are other things in my life that I did not purchase with money that are very valuable.

Somebody broke into my house once, this is a good time to call the police, but mm mm, nope. The house was too nice. It was a real nice house, but they'd never believe i lived in it. They'd be like 'He's still here!

I've done 10 or 11 pilots for network television, which is ridiculous.

I have a very good life, a high quality of life. I have both money and time. No one has that.

I don't do drugs, though. Just weed.

People don't know what it's like standing up there onstage, when you have a wall of people smiling at you.

I love Ohio.

When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.

I don't normally talk about my religion publicly because I don't want people to associate me and my flaws with this beautiful thing. And I believe it is beautiful if you learn it the right way.

Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.

Being famous is great, it's not like bad or horrible or anything.

You can't get unfamous. You can get infamous but you can't get unfamous.

You can become famous but you can't become unfamous. You can become infamous but not unfamous.

I'm an introspective dude.

America, I appreciate you liking me.

After a while, a joke, if you say it too much, just becomes contrived, or fake-sounding.

The language you are about to hear... is disturbing.

I've been a comedian since I was fourteen. But I've never really been a CEO.

Stand-up is the kind of gig that'll show you where you're at.

I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.

What did the 5 fingers say to the face. S L A P!

Things like racism are institutionalized. You might not know any bigots. You feel like "well I don't hate black people so I'm not a racist," but you benefit from racism. Just by the merit, the color of your skin. The opportunities that you have, you're privileged in ways that you might not even realize because you haven't been deprived of certain things. We need to talk about these things in order for them to change.

Why is Dave Chappelle going to Africa? Why does Mariah Carey make a hundred-million dollar deal and take her clothes off on TRL? A weak person can not get here and talk to you. Ain't no weak people talking to you. So what is happening in Hollywood? Nobody knows! The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive. I don't understand this person, so they're crazy. That's bullshit. These people are not crazy, they're strong people. Maybe the environment is a little sick.

No matter how old you are, if a little kid hands you a toy phone... you answer it.

The worst thing to call somebody is crazy. It's dismissive.

I don't really frick with Africa cause people are starving to death and that's not ballin' to me.

Chivalry is dead. Women killed it.

My father told me 'Name your price in the beginning. If it ever gets more expensive than the price you name, get out of there.'

The world can't tell you who you are. You've just got to figure out who you are and be there, for better or worse.

The mark of greatness is when everything before you is obsolete, and everything after you bears your mark.

I support anyone's right to be who they want to be. My question is: to what extent do I have to participate in your self-image?

My wife asked me once if I weren't a comedian what I would do. I couldn't answer the question. I never imagined doing anything else.

Ralph Nader has slavery reparations on his platform, which makes me think he's not serious. If he thought he could win he wouldn't even say that.

I always take a relationship to the next level. If that works out, I take it to the next level after that, until I finally reach that level when it becomes absolutely necessary for me to leave.

Remember what the Bible says: He who is without sin, cast the first rock. And I shall smoketh it.

Listen, here it is: Technically, I never quit. I'm seven years late for work.

Once you been performing on the streets you can conquer any venue.

I'm Dave Chappelle and I'm a chronic masturbator.

Who goes from America to Africa for medical attention?

I have angst in my life, but I'm like anybody. We all have angst in our lives that we pick up and fidget with and then we put down and look at some other things that make us feel good or enjoy our lives.

Comedians by and large are some of the most sensitive people on earth. Even if they're socially callous.

I don't care if I ever work in TV again.

I love the fact that I have a show where you can run over a kid and everyone busts out laughing.

The only thing harder than leaving show business is coming back.

New white people, you can't scare these white people, I tried.

No one wants to get their ass beat to a soundtrack.

Is this the 5:00 Free Crack Giveaway?

I just like seeing people. I just like meeting people. I like finding out new walks of life and new ideas.

The biggest enemy of an artist is apathy... A kid gets killed by the police and I buy a T-shirt and before I can wear that one, there's another kid (killed) and I'm running out of closet space.

My own life is accessible to people still. I could see a guy walking down the street and, even though I'm famous, I got more in common with this guy than, like, Brad Pitt.

My kids look actually happy. And I learned early on that perfectionism and parenthood is a toxic combination for everybody involved. In other words, so many things can flourish naturally. All you gotta do is make sure the soil's right. I view myself more like a guide than a ruler.

Fame for me is like a place, a country I'm taking a tour through.

I wish I had more hands, so I could give those titties four thumbs down!

I got a lot of positive people around me.

I just always loved stand-up. It's like magic. You say something, and a whole room full of people laughs together. Say something else, they laugh again. The fact that people come to see that and participate in that... I don't know, it's just like magic.

Because I was surrounded by so much negativity at some point that it took me going back and doing stand-up to realize, you know, people really like me.

Cause my life is dope, and I do dope sh*t

You've got to say 'yes' to your destiny. Life's happening right now, look around you. There goes some life. Come on, Mamma, live!

There's not too many people that don't think I'm crazy, for walking away from so much money," he said. "I'm at a restaurant with my wife, it's a nice restaurant, we're eating dinner. I look across the room, I say, "You see this guy over here, across the room? He has $100 million." And we're eating the same entree. So, OK, fine, I don't have $50 million or whatever it was, but say I have $10 million in the bank. The difference in lifestyle is miniscule.

The only way you can know where the line is, is if you cross it.

What is wrong with me i just bought a bag of weed from an infant.

All white people talk about when they get high is other times that they got high.

Why don't you click your heels three times and go back to Africa.

Where I'm from? A little town called none of yo god damn business.

I don't want the money. I don't want the drama. I just want to do my show. I want to have fun again.

Weed's not as bad as everything else... 'cause weed is a background substance. You know what I mean, you can smoke some herb and still function. You ain't crisp... but you'll function.

I'm happier in the way a guy gets happier when he starts to mature. It doesn't make things easier, but I'm so much better at handling them.

If I put forth a legitimate effort, then I feel like, if that doesn't work out, that's all I can do.

I would go to work on the show and I felt awful every day, that's not the way it was. ... I felt like some kind of prostitute or something. If I feel so bad, why keep on showing up to this place? I'm going to Africa. The hardest thing to do is to be true to yourself, especially when everybody is watching.

I think one artist to another artist, the best compliment you can pay one another, because the part of you that is inspired or creates something, to write a joke or a song, that's like the God-like part of a person.

A celebrity, whatever I am, you get cut off sometimes from people just by circumstance.

Constantly take inventory of what's important to you.

I want be a guest-star on as many television shows as I possibly can. I love television. The fact that television ultimately made me famous was very gratifying for me.

If someone sits and stares at you while you eat, you won't even eat the way you normally do, because it'll make you so uncomfortable. If I look at my dog when he's eating, he will look at me like, "Dave, I will bite you. What are you looking at? I'm trying to eat." It's something that dehumanizes a person, being on display like that.

There's a lot of people who don't want anything from me but to laugh and have a good time. You see them at the show and they like - they dress up to come see your show and stuff. And they pack these auditoriums and it's a lot of fun, man. It's like, this is how I started, and it's still fun for me.

I have all these weird fantasies. Going coast-to-coast on my motorcycle and having random barbecues all over America. No show, no nothing.

The higher up I went, the less happy I was.

My generation is under-entertained.

If you're Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston, and your marriage is breaking up - that's an awful thing. But to see that speculation in people, it's gotta sting a little bit.