Darynda Jones quotes:

He's an enigma wrapped up in sensuality padlocked with a dozen chains of desire and topped off with a razor-sharp ribbon of danger. There are more layers to him than a billionaire's wedding cake.

Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.

A Nuns Life: Chastity, poverty, and obedience. Wait, chastity?" BUMPER STICKER

.. an emergency stash of Thin Mints. Frickin' Girl Scouts. Those things were way to addictive. They had to be laced with crack." Charlie Davidson Fourth Grave Beneath my Feet

I know," he said in almost bored contemplation. "My manners suck. I like to chalk it up to a dissatisfying childhood." "I'd chalk it up to that narcissistic personality disorder laces with a smidgen of schizophrenia. Your mother would be proud.

And," Amber said, practically drooling as she ogled him, "it's tradition for new arrivals to help with the pep rally." Brooklyn quirked her lips in doubt. "Tradition?" "It's a new tradition," Amber shot back. "Clearly the deeper meaning of the word has escaped you.

after an epic search, I finally found something neither green nor fuzzy. It was a hot sausage link. I named it Peter, mostly because it seemed like the right thing to do. As soon as my java was piping hot I popped him into the microwave. hopefully the radioactive environment would sterilize Peter. No need to have little Peters running around, wreaking havoc.

I have depth. I've read Proust. No, wait, that was Pooh. Winnie the Pooh. My bad" Charley Davidson.

My powers of persuasion are only as strong as the bullshit I have to back it up. - Charley Davidson

Reyes Farrow. Because perfection is a dirty job, but someone has to do it.

Have you slept yet?' 'Sure. I took a power nap on the way over.' 'Didn't you drive there?' 'Yeah. Other drviers kept waking me up. Car horns should be illegal.' - Charley & Cookie

When I want your opinion, I'll remove the duct tape.--T-SHIRT

A split second later, my life flashed before my eyes, and I came to one important conclusion about it.It was fun while it lasted.

My calculations - allowing for a 12 percent margin of error, based on the radius of the corresponding confidence interval and the surgeon general's warning - concluded that they probably didn't stay behind for the tacos.

I went down like a drunken cowgirl trying to line dance to Metallica.

What's your specialty? Oh, you know. Madness. Mayhem. Debauchery. And even with all that going for me, I can still make a mean mojito.

I may as well cut my losses and make a hasty exit while I still had enough self-esteem to walk upright. Crawling was so demoralizing

What do you want?" "You," he said, his voice lowering an octave. "I want you, Dutch, body and soul. I want you in my bed every night. I want you there when I wake up in the morning. I want your clothes strung across my apartment and your scent on my skin.

When life hands you lemons say, "Lemons? What else have you got?" - bumper sticker

But give up my business? The same business I'd built from the ground up with my own two hands and designer Louis Vuittons? The same business for which I'd sacrificed blood, sweat, and tears? Well, maybe not sweat and tears, but there was blood. Lots of blood. Give it up? Not likely. Besides, what else would I do? I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.

How would you like your eggs?" I tried. I really did. But I glanced at his crotch and it came out anyway. "Fertilized?

She's like a hurricane on crystal meth.

Rocket," I said, straightening in the chairDonovan was just helping me with my contacts."Donovan raised his brows humorously.Rocket furrowed hisDid you swallow them?"

Don't judge me because I'm quiet. No one plans a murder out loud.

Man, I want to be someone's forbidden fruit." "Well, you are pretty fruity.

A sheriff arrested me. I could be mistaken, but I'm pretty sure my men-in-uniform fetish began that day. The sheriff was hot. And he handcuffed me. I've never been the same.

I had a soft spot for crazy people.

Garret Swopes was a lot like a hot gay friend only he wasn't gay, which was too bad because then I could tell him how hot he was without him getting the wrong idea.

I have three words for you," EMT Guy said. "Possible internal bleeding." I turned back to him. "Don't you think if I was bleeding internally, I'd know somewhere deep inside? Like, internally?

There is a great need for a sarcasm font.

We're like the Three Musketeers, searching for truth and justice and the American way.: Glitch snorted. "More like the Three Blind Mice, stumbling around trying to find a hunk of cheese in the dark.

Glitch was about as wild and unpredictable as a carrot stick.

SOME GIRLS WEAR PRADA. SOME GIRLS WEAR GLOCK 17 SHORT RECOIL SPRING-LOADED SEMIAUTOMATIC PISTOLS WITH A LOADED CHAMBER INDICATOR AND A NONSLIP GRIP. - T-SHIRT

Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.

There was nothing like a trip to the gynecologist to make one feel just a little violated. Charley

I totally should've gone to Hogwarts when I had the chance.

Where have you been?" I stepped into my apartment and met Uncle Bob's glare with one of my own. "Out trying to pass myself off as a movie producer to get hot guys to sleep with me. Where have you been?

I stop fighting my inner demons. We're on the same side now. T-shirt

Surely my macking on some guy in an insane asylum wouldn't hurt him. He'd been living with his stalker, for heaven's sake.

I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.

At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.

Cook, at that moment in time, I would have sold my body for a mocha latte

If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-Shirt

I intend to live forever. So far, so good. - T-SHIRT

Looks like macho boy's cool just melted like a Slush Puppie in August.

I brought out the most powerful tool I had in my arsenal. "If you resist," I said into Reyes's ear, "I'll be forced to Taser you." He looked at what I had in my hand. "That's a phone." "I have an app. You'll probably experience nerve damage. Slight memory loss.

Mistakes were made. Others were blamed.

I did that thing where you scratch your eyebrow and flip someone off at the same time. I'm good at multitasking like that.

I have them a few minutes to absorb everything while I teased Ubie, who only had to recover from his near-death experience. I was so glad Reyes hadn't ripped him to shreds. I liked him much better un-shredded. Unlike, say, my preference for lettuce or heavy metal guitar solos.

Chocolate and coffee ? Together ? Whoever came up with that combination should have won a Nobel Peace Prize. Or at least a subscription to Reader's Digest.

I pointed in the general vicinity of my left ovary, "This is Beam Me Up." Then to my right. "And this is Scotty." Garret chuckled and buried his face in his hands. He asked.

Can you find out how owns C and R industries? They bought the old abandoned mental asylum downtown." "That old thing? What are they going to do with it?" "I don't know. I was hoping their overcompensating sign would say, but it just says 'private property' and shouts lots of threats in capital letters, all of which I plan to completely ignore later.

Hello?" I said, because Charley's House of Pasties seemed wrong.

guys have feelings too. But like...who cares? -Inspirational poster

My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.

Cookie had taken her daughter amber to school then walked the thirty-something feet to work earlier. Our business was on the second floor of Calamity's, my dad's bar, which sat right in front of our apartment building. The short commute was nice and rarely invloved rabid raccoons.

He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.

I chose the road less traveled. Now I'm lost.

I'll call if I break a leg or get eaten by a bear.Play like a rock.Now?No, if a bear starts eating you.I thought for a moment before replyingDo they have screaming, sobbing rocks, 'cause that's probably what I'll be doing if a bear is gnawing my arm off.It would be difficult to just lay there and be eaten alive, huh?Ya think?

Since I had a soft spot for zombies and my curiosity was killing me, I opted for plan Z.

Never wait for your muse. Train him/her to show up to work when you do by pushing on. It's a dominant submission thing.

Where do writers get their ideas from? Anywhere and everywhere. Nothing is sacred.

Rules for writing the first line? The last line?First line: Make them want more. Last line: Make them want the next book.

Developing your voice takes... time and practice.

It takes thirty-three days to write a book--only thirty-three days. remember, writers lie for a living.

A wicked grin crinkled one corner of his mouth as he secured another sticky note on the door before shutting it in my face.I blinked, then read the note. Use the key.

Nobody wants to look like a fool. Nine times out of ten, thatreason alone keeps people from allowing themselves to believe.

But have you ever seen one?....They shook their heads. "Not Physically, no. But if you look at this passage - "Man, she liked that Bible. I'd read it and could definitely understand it's appeal, but I didn't have time for this.

Who knew Demon Child would have such a normal name? I expected something exotic like Serena or Destiny or the Evil One That Comes in the Night to Make Us Chilly.

I'd have a longer attention span if there weren't so many shiny things.

You do have a tendency to severe spinal cords." "Only for you.

Does Uncle Bob have anything?" "I heard he has an STD." "I mean on the women." "Oh, I have no idea if they have any STDs.

...and then she glared at me, the same glare my stepmother used to give me when I gave her the Nazi salute. That woman was so touchy about her resemblance to Hitler.

Life is not about finding yourself. It's mostly about chocolate. T-Shirt

You know you have ADD when Look A chicken - T-shirt

Okay, I'll strip. I'll tap dance. I'll sing 'La Cucaracha' in C minor.

Since killing people is illegal, can I have a Taser just for shits and giggles? -Fourth Grave Beneath My Feet

It would be a miracle to solve this case. Luckily, I believed in miracles. No, wait, that was testicles. I believed in testicles.

I'd never taken to four foot creatures who had the uncanny ability to point out all my flaws in thirty second flat. And just for the record, I can too read without moving my lips.

I stood and walked around the desk so I could stand over him. Menacingly. Like Darth Vader, only with better lung capacity.

In three hundred feet, turn right," Darth Vader said. The Darth Vader. I felt like we were friends now. Like I could tell him anything.

In Cookie's defense, it was raining wildcats and rabid dogs.

Reyes leaned back against the bar, crossed his arms over his chest, and studied me from beneath those same ridiculously long lashes. Men and their freaking lashes. It was so unfair. Like the exorbitant cost of designer shoes. Or world hunger.

You can't fix stupid, but you can numb it was a 2 by 4.--T-SHIRT

She didn't smile back. Not even a little. I totally needed to read that book on how to win friends and influence people. But that would involve an innate desire to win friends and influence people.

I meant to behave. There were just too many other options.--T-SHIRT

This is one Fruit Loop beyond certifiable.

If I was going to go out tonight, I was going to go out fighting. Or screaming in agony. Either way.

I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I...

It is sexy in here or is it just me?

Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)

Let me express how much I don't care on a scale of one to bite me," the former detective said.

Who knew that all this time the nectar of the Gods was in my va-jay-jay.

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt

There comes a moment when you know you just aren't going to do anything esle productive for the rest of the day.-T-Shirt

I can hear other things, too. Before you came around, I had no idea a man could make a girl scream like that. Reyes seems very talented.

When fighting clowns, always go for the juggler.

In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?

Before I tell you, I have to know three things," I said. "Okay." "One, are you sitting down?" "Yes." "Two, are you mentally stable?" "More than you'll ever be." Well, that was uncalled for. "And three, how do you spell schizophrenia?" "What does that have to do with anything?" "Nothing. I just wanted to see if you'd tell me.

I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT

You totally need to watch the news." "Can't." "Why?" "It's too depressing." "Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.

He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.

You called me at four thirty-four....I hate four thirty-four. I think four thirty-four should be banned and replaced with something more reasonable, like, say, nine twelve.

After a geological epoch passed in which single-celled organisms evolved into talk show hosts, Mr. Coffee was still holding out on me.

Oh, my god!" I said, throwing my hands over my eyes and hurtling my body against the counter. "What?" "You're naked." "I'm not naked." "I'm blind." "You're not blind. I'm wearing pants." "Oh." That was embarrassing.

Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket? ~Bumper sticker~

There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And spiders. ~Bumper sticker~

See you in a few. Hold down the fort, Mr. Wong!

Oh, I forgot to tell you," Cookie said. "Amber wants your dad to get a teriyaki machine so she can sing for all the lonely barflies." "I'm a good singer, mom." Only a twelve-year-old could make the word mom sound blasphemous. I leaned into Cookie, "Does she know its not called--?" "No," she whispered. "Are you gonna tell her?" "No. It's much funnier this way.

Cookie dropped her purse and tried to catch it midair. In the process, she knocked over a vase. When she lunged for the vase, she slipped on the tile and overturned an entire table. A lovely handblown piece of glass flew in my direction, and all I could think as I caught it was, Really? Again? We were going to have to practice muscle control.