Daniel Tosh quotes:

+1
Share
Pin
Like
Send
Share
  • I don't know, maybe I'm immature, but I still find it funny if I dump cold water on my girlfriend when she's in the shower.

  • We'll put an asterisk next to Barry Bonds' name, sure, as soon as we put one next to Babe Ruth's name. Getting to break records before black people were allowed to play? Excuse me, where is that asterisk?

  • Ben Roethlisberger is Tim Tebow minus Jesus.

  • I grew up in Florida and went to school there, and ended up going to University of Central Florida.

  • Bill Hicks is a huge influence. I love him.

  • Instead of dumping all my money on an independent film that nobody would watch and most people would make fun of behind my back, I decided, 'I'm just going to buy a house.'

  • The national anthem blows. Are you kidding me? Do any of you have it on your iPod?

  • The only thing surfers have in common with the rest of America is they're unemployed and they love crystal meth.

  • When you're in young love your pulse pounds, your palms sweat, and there are butterflies in your stomach. It's like diarrhea for your heart.

  • Cheaters never prosper, unless they get away with it.

  • Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

  • Recently started flat ironing my ball hair. Come on ladies, you know how it is; if you have curly hair you just want straight hair.

  • Fifty Shades Of Grey proved you can write about a dude choking women and shoving stuff up their butts but heaven forbid if you tell a legitimate joke about it. Sure I doubled the number of feminists who hate me, but I also doubled the number of shows I have on TV. No regrets.

  • Much like Down Syndrome, red hair is a genetic mutation, and it occurs when a human has unprotected sex with a clown.

  • I don't think I could stab somebody, cause I'm really bad at a Capri Sun.

  • No touching... Cashmere is highly sensitive to the oil in poor people's fingers.

  • Babies aren't dishwasher-safe.

  • The flat-brimmed cap is the modern day dunce cap.

  • Sometimes, when I'm feeling down because nothing seems to be going right, I like to take a home pregnancy test. Then I can say, Hey, at least I'm not pregnant

  • If you like soccer, then welcome to America. See, our country already has entertainment so watching people chase a ball for four hours to end 0 - 0 is not enjoyable - unless, of course, the bleachers collapse and half of Europe dies.

  • Here's a shock: An adult who still hangs out in skate parks is a bad parent.

  • Have you heard about the morning after pill, or what I like to call breakfast in bed. Well have you heard about how some of the girls who have taken have died a few days later? Talk about two birds, looks like I will be going to the game this weekend boys.

  • I started my own foundation. If you aren't familiar with it, it's called 'Febreezing the homeless.' Who would you rather give money to: a man that smells 4like liquiid garbage, or ocean breeze?

  • The most important part of any CrossFit workout is posting about it endlessly on social media. How about you just brag about all the kettlebell burpees you did to the other whackos in your cult?

  • The only thing better than the world's cutest cat is any dog.

  • The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

  • I was drinking tea the other day, and I thought: they used to fight wars over this.

  • At least gays don't kill babies before their due date.

  • It's not that hard to climb a pole. All you need are powerful thighs and an empty soul.

  • It's all fun and games until someone gets a boner.

  • Women can do anything men can do. Except math, chess, running, jumping, lifting stuff, fixing things, making money, hockey, surfing, driving, making decisions, being tall, taking out the garbage, tipping, fishing, being funny (on purpose), reading a map, listening to good bands, writing, running the country, inventing anything important, or being fun to hang out with.

  • I go to the dentist every six months, I get a cleaning, so... I'm fortunate enough that those fluoride treatments as a child worked. Not getting any cavities.

  • I don't know why I get away with some things. But I'm not a misogynistic, racist person. Yet I do find those jokes funny, so I say them. And I try to say everything kind of in a good spirit.

  • I'm not a racist or misogynist person, but I find these jokes funny, so I say them.

  • How about we get rid of separate bathrooms for boys and girls? Gays and straights share the bathroom with zero issues. We need to put an end to the sexist pooping policies of yesterday. The only way to achieve gender equality is to start crapping in front of each other.

  • e foundation to a good friendship is trust but the foundation to good comedy is by betraying your friends.

  • I think pro-athletes should be forced to use steroids. I think we as fans deserve the greatest athletes science can create! Lets go! Anything that will make you run faster, jump higher! I have High-Definition TV! I want my athletes like my video games! Lets go! I could care less if you die at 40. You hate life after sports anyways. I'm doing you a favor.

  • A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.

  • Somebody bought me a Snuggie as a joke gift. Haha, the joke's on you, I enjoy it. I toss and turn at night, finally a blanket that's like, 'I'm going to keep you warm.' It's like having a small child with polio keep you in a full nelson - the perfect pressure.

  • It's the ultimate pinnacle of stand-up to have an hour on HBO, but way more people see Comedy Central, and they've been good to me.

  • I have high-definition television, because I felt the lack of resolution was affecting my ability to solve cases on C.S.I.

  • If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.

  • I will shut down Instagram so girls can't use filters into tricking us that they are that pretty; you're eyes aren't that blue, and you don't glow.

  • I'm going to be cremated from the neck down. And at my funeral, when people are talking about me, they have to hold my head. And then at the end, they have to kick me into the audience and the audience has to keep me up for at least three hits or you have to start the whole service over. No cradling it - I want legit sets.

  • There's only two types of men left in this world. Lumberjacks and Liam Nesson.

  • You should never eat when you're on the toilet. "But I'm lactose-intolerant, and I always wanted to enjoy a bowl of Puffins with whole milk!" That's more of an almond milk cereal, but live your dream.

  • They say money doesn't buy happiness. That phrase should end with 'just kidding'.

  • Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

  • If you have ever typed 'sorry not sorry' I hope you die... not sorry.

  • Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

  • High school is just like glee, a bunch of people dying of drug overdose.

  • I apologize if there's a Parkinson's painter in the audience. I assume you do your best work in the morning. Probably gets abstract by noon.

  • This is what I say to the most conservative person that's so terrified of gay marriage becoming legal. Just because the state says it's legal, it's not like God's going to let them into Heaven. So you can still sleep sound every night knowing that goal line defense is up at the pearly gates.

  • Describe your perfect man who looks like me...

  • How come New York gets all the cool plane crashes?

  • I've always thought having a kid that played soccer would be the worst punishment. After watching 3 min of water polo I stand corrected.

  • I came up with my own expression. I like to make it hail. Yeah. That's when you throw change on sluts.

  • It's not a stereotype if it's always true.

  • No one dies a virgin, Life screws us all

  • You know why they say that, that models are too skinny? Because parents are horrible, they can't tell their sixteen year old daughter she's not really a princess, well guess what, I can.

  • If it weren't for men, this planet would be overrun with giant spiders.

  • It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

  • It's funny... you can make fun of AIDS or Haiti, but if you make fun of some starlet in Hollywood's looks? That's like the one thing... the line you are not to cross.

  • I'm sick of the media making female sports athletes into supermodels, when they're clearly sixes at best.

  • You never see anyone wearing a black turtleneck and leather jacket doing something nice.

  • Being an ugly woman is like being a man. You're gonna have to work. Yep.

  • I have voices in my head, but they're all speaking Spanish, and I have NO idea what they're saying.

  • Germany's like Wisconsin, but with, like, a really bad past.

  • I have no idea why people want to watch puppets be the slightly meaner version of the weirdo holding them. It's beyond my comprehension.

  • I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am. It's really made the touring a lot less grueling.

  • I really don't work a whole lot as far as touring, but I do stand-up every night of my life, no matter where I am.

  • I do think we can be a little less PC when it comes to sports, though. Just once I want to hear an announcer go 'God, black people are fast. Holy cow! All of them. They're fast. Back to you Bob.'

  • There's no excuse for domestic violence. It sounds like a challenge. I mean, does everything have to be so black-and-white in this kindergarten country of ours? What if you come home from a long day at work and your wife has drowned two of your kids - she's about to dunk the third one. Can you run over and pop her then? Unfortunately no, there's no excuse. You're going to have to let her drown that third one.

  • I'll tell you what's better than watching the sunrise... Sleeping through it.

  • Girls can fake orgasms, but boys can fake love.

  • I dated a teacher in high school. Yeah, it didn't make me cooler. And a lot of you are like 'that's cause you were homeschooled'.

  • Now remember kids if anyone ever offers you drugs say 'Thank you' cause drugs are very expensive.

  • How come everybody cheers when chicks flash their T&A, but when I pull out my D&Bs, i'm a registered sex offender.

  • Stop saying you're not racist because you have a friend that's black. That's like saying you're not a pedophile because you have a friend that's a kid.

  • You know who makes a great first impression? Liars.

  • Do you know there is actually a blood test out there now to find out if your kid is gay or not? Yeah, it's an HIV test.

  • I think boxers are the greatest athletes in all sports for the simple fact that they don't cry. That is mind-blowing. Have you ever been punched in the nose? Oh my gosh, it hurts so bad. They have to go back to corner, where some little man yells at them. 'Shut up, I just got punched in the face!'... If I was a boxer, do you know who I would hire as my corner man? My mom.

  • I heart abortion. Where's the shirt for that, urban outfitters?! And it won't be a normal heart. It'll be a dead infant heart. Y'know what the back will say? Problem Solved.

  • I'm not saying I'm smarter than Steve Jobs was, but I would have made the iPhone charger cord twice as long.

  • You know your girlfriend is too young when she'll do everything in bed but go upside down because it's too scary.

  • Girls say it's hard to find nice guys. It's actually really easy. It's just all nice guys are ugly.

  • Of course money buys happiness. You ever seen a homeless person skip? The answer to that riddle's no. They're not allowed.

  • I wasn't a pain in the ass when I was a kid. So I think being a screw-up as an adult is way more acceptable.

  • Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

  • I always wondered if those WWJD bracelets worked, so I bought one the other day. Well, a few minutes later, I was on a plane and this little kid was kicking my seat repeatedly, while his sister sang along with her walkman and their mother just sat there. I almost turned around and went off, and then I caught sight of my bracelet. What would Jesus do? So I lit them on fire and sent them all to Hell.

  • You can accept that things are awful and still have a sense of humor about it.

  • Technically it's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them.

  • I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

  • I wanna get rich enough in life that I can afford to release a dozen doves every time I walk into a room. You know people would be like, 'Did you see that guy come out of the bathroom? The one with doves, it was beautiful.'

  • Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.

  • Comedy Central wanted to do a show with me, I had a couple failures under my belt with them already, but they still wanted to try something else. They came to me and said they wanted to do something that was internet focused and created original content on their site, so they could compete with the funny or dies and what not. So that was the premise, and they gave us a small amount of money, $5000, and from there it turned into the show.

  • God does not hate gay people. He's just mad because they found a loophole in His system.

  • I feel bad sometimes because I secretly hope New Orleans gets nailed again.

  • That Asian guy is really good at kicking. Shocking. Someone is pressing 'A' really fast somewhere.

  • I'm not honest, but you're interesting!

  • Am I the only person who hopes that David Beckham has sex with Brad Pitt? I don't know who's in charge of casting in Hollywood, but make it happen before one of them is out of their prime. Can you imagine those two men together making love? If there's a man in here that's junk doesn't wiggle just a little bit at the thought of those two men together - this has nothing to do with your homophobic sexual preference. At that level it's art, you monkey. You should be honored that you share the same restroom with those Greek gods.

  • Sometimes my mind wanders; other times it leaves completely.

  • I saw a guy wearing a "What Would Jesus Do?" bracelet and a Lance Armstrong bracelet, and he went up to this blind kid and rubbed his eyes, and the kid could see. But he wasn't used to the light, 'cause it was bright, and he walked into traffic and was killed instantly. Okay, the people that are laughing right now? I'm gonna call you guys half-full. Because you're focusing on the important part of the story: the bracelets are working.

  • I never want to cannibalize my act, and I'm really excited that I am going to be able to perform new material. I'm not a huge fan of repeating jokes, and I don't really do any of my old material from old stand-up acts.

  • If you had to eat another human to survive, do you think they'd taste like their ethnic background?

  • Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.

  • Slutiness is a very underrated quality in a girl.

  • Let's be honest: it's not like I'm not making a good living that the whole family benefits from. No one talks about my foul mouth when we're all in Aspen for Christmas.

  • I'm a homer, so the closer [I perform] to my house the better. If I could get crowds to gather around my bed, that would be ideal. I also like doing stand-up in places that I can surf, snowboard, or anywhere that I have a pregnancy scare.

  • Finding my dog's g spot is taking way longer than I would care to admit.

  • Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

  • You know who likes to get fisted? Sock puppets.

  • I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

  • Making a good music video isn't easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of '16 and Pregnant,' which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

  • I put a What Would Jesus Do bracelet on my Jewish friend's wrist and it burned his skin. He threw it on the ground, it turned into a serpent, we both started laughing. We left it there, we hate snakes. We think they're slimy, even though we know they're not.

  • If you look at the Bible and you look at Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, we all know who sinned first. Ladies, do you have to eat everything?

  • You know what really shuts up a bully? Learning how to build a pipe-bomb!

  • I think if you're gonna get a tattoo, just get one: the words, 'I'm dumb.' That's it. That way in 10 years, when you go, 'Why did I get this?,' you can be like, 'Oh, I'm dumb!'

+1
Share
Pin
Like
Send
Share