Dane Cook quotes:

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

I had the humble beginnings. I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

If you use tact you can say anything, then make it funny.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

As a comedian, I am obligated to tell you the truth, my truth. To share with you my beliefs, my perspective. And I think that we forget sometimes that that's the oath that comics take, that we will go up and share everything - the irreverent, the scary.

I was not a silly kid or outgoing. In fact, I suffered from quite a bit of anxiety. I used to have panic attacks when I was a teenager, really incapacitating moments, because I had some phobias.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. They're very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

I like to play guitar, jam out, play the blues, go watch movies. I love movies.

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere.

Here's the thing about Red Sox fans, or actually just fans from that region, in general: they appreciate the effort. And if you mail it in or if you give 80 percent, even with a win, they'll let you know that's not how you do it. They want - if it's comedian, if it's a musician, bring us your best show.

I'm focused on staying as healthy as I can so I can work more.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

The little boy inside of all us men always loves something video game related.

My professional dreams were coming true while I was living a personal nightmare.

My mom and dad passed away from cancer. Within nine months, I lost both of my folks. Immediately after that, I had a horrible betrayal where my brother, who worked for me, stole a lot of my money. He's in jail now."

I always thought that if I got no love at all early in my standup career, or I was god awful, I thought I'd get into psychology.

People know I have a good time on stage. I love my life. I love my job.

When I'm looking for hot button answers to tough questions, I don't look to congressman or my mayor. I say, 'What would Miss U.S.A. have to say about this?'

I say it with my tongue firmly planted in cheek but there's truth to it - being a comedian is very close to being a therapist. When you're working smaller clubs, you're listening. You're feeling an energy, you're going with a tone but when people start yelling out, you almost start a conversation with people.

Vince Vaughn is a genuine person, awesome guy. He'll come to a lot of my shows. It's not that often that you can meet someone as cool as Vince.

There's always someone in every group of friends that nobody likes.

I have new ideas every day, and I always want to take on new challenges.

I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. If I'm at home, I'm usually in my office editing or reconstructing my website or whatever it may be. I just love putting creativity into a performance, so if the right script comes along, and I certainly am reading comedies and dramas now, then I'm ready willing and able to give it a shot.

I like fearless characters, people just not afraid to do anything it takes to make people laugh.

I'm shooting a pilot based on my show. It's a one-camera show. I play myself.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing."

I'm glad that my parents missed one thing that was really unbelievable. They saw me hit this great success. It was a blast and we had a lot of laughs. And it was just an amazing time. They passed away. And then after I got, you know, famous, all these haters came out of nowhere."

Are there glass shards in my anus?

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

A couple of days back, I got into a car accident. Not my fault. Even if it's not your fault, the other person gets out of their car and looks at you like it's your fault: Why did you stop at a red light and let me hit you doing 80!

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments. When you're headed for a breakthrough moment, it's kind of scary because you say, 'If I break through then I have to make great change in my life.'

I got home from work today and took like a one hundred hour nap. No you did not. You'd be very sick if you were taking one hundred hour naps. That's a coma! If you said you took a coma after work I'd be able to follow the story.

Some people have constipation of the brain but their mouth has the runs.

When I'm wrong I'm like the Emperor on the Death Star thinking he'll turn Luke. Yet, when I'm right I'm a Jedi like my father before me.

I'm a deep thinker when it comes to shallow no brainers.

Ex-girlfriends will find themselves in my new routine. Sometimes they like that, and sometimes they definitely do not. But comedians should come with a giant warning or disclaimer: IF YOU DATE ME, IT WILL BE IN MY ACT.

On stage I am the actor, director and the bouncer all at the same time. Fear does not exist in this dojo does it? No Sensi! Sorry when I get excited I have to toss in some Karate Kid quotes.

It's amazing how dumb people can impress you with how much stupider they can be when they really assert themselves.

Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they'll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they'll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: "Hey, perfect."

There's estrogen running through my veins!

Listening to Evanescence makes me want to break up with a girl in real time as a giant antique hourglass falls to the floor in slow motion.

I had one job that was kind of cop-like. One summer I did security at a miniature golf course. Just standing out in the sun all day, Hey, hey, excuse me sir. Get your putter out of the whale's ass. Come on, this is a place of miniature business. This is not a playground even though it looks like a playground.

In school I was pretty quiet. Kinda shy until my junior year. But at home I was a freak.

You know your gut instincts are spot on about a person when you can also detect a water source in the soil beneath them.

I love hecklers. They remind you that you are a comedian.

Video games don't make people go nuts. I played Super Mario forever. Not once hopping on a turtle or smash my head through a brick ceiling.

Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.

I live my life like there's no yesterday.

I'm a late-night guy.

I'm sure that people who have been tweeting funny things have ended up on writing staffs of a late night show.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

I don't like littering and I think it leads to terrorist activities.

You can easily tell if a person is lying and cheating on you if they say, I love you. I would never lie to you or cheat on you.

My advice is: to try and stay really true to the things that make YOU laugh, as opposed to trying to create a character that you think is funny. Some comedians get into bad habits when they are trying to create something that is not them, and they are trying to write a voice that isn't their true voice.

My grandmother died of natural causes. Or as my family calls it murdered by the lord.

If you have to be at work at 8, it's always like, 7:54. Just enough time to do nothing. To just lay there and go, "I can't do anything! I can't even have an English muffin!

My nickname for my mom was 'The Compass.'

Some girls look beautiful with no makeup on at all. I call them lazy. Now go throw some war paint on you bleak empty canvas you.

It's hard dealing with day to day disappointments and feeling like you can't find success. Especially when your best friend is Pixar.

There will be a guy in a yellow poncho, his name is Hank, he will take you to the whopper lair.

I was told by a girl once that I should teach a course on how to kiss properly. I thought that was really a nice compliment. I then asked her what she thought about my sexual prowess and she recommended I talk to a guy she used to date. Body blow.

I'm fine, I am just going to go over here and puke shards of my own pelvis into this bush.

Why do they call it the restroom? Is there anybody just resting in this room?

I do think I am funny, or I wouldn't be where I am today. I do think there is always room for improvement and learning.

You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I'm the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.

I am an observer, I like to watch people. I am into psychology and people - how they act and such.

I can do more than just stand-up comedy, and the only way I'll be able to show that is if I do it myself. Because nobody trusts that I can do it.

If haters or whatever want to find you - I mean, some of them are so tenacious. You want to hire them to work for you. Theyre very, very savvy in terms of how they find you and get to you.

I feel like I was born and bred to stay self-motivated. I'm not one of those people who ho-hums and feels sorry for himself when something's bad.

Created a word game to play with a person you're fighting with. Silent Treatment. Nothing happens until one of you quietly says, Hey, you hungry?

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.

Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.

This is a dream come true. HBO is the highest echelon in the world for a stand-up comedian to attain. Throughout my career I've trusted my instincts to lead me down the right path, and I am honored to work together with this network while contributing to the legacy that is HBO.

You need to open up your soul and have a weep-a-thon.

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

Time machine... wouldn't you like to travel through time? I would. I'd go back... mess with people. You know what I would do? I would go back to when my mom and dad were having sex, to have me. Ya'know, come in, spank my dad on the ass I'm your son from the future! Ahaha!

You know you're lazy when you run out of toilet paper and use the cardboard roll to wipe with.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

I can't watch a woman play with herself - to me, it looks like a DJ working the turntables... DJ Diddles.

Anger has a way of seeping into every other emotion and planting itself in there.

Valentine's Day is a time to celebrate the joy of being in love. Unless you're single & lonely then it's called Laundry Day.

My mother had a lot of phobias. She's pregnant with me and she was a very phobic person. So I was born into phobia, basically.

If you're drunk please don't drive. If you're on shrooms please don't think Walmart's a prison for bad clothing that needs help escaping.

I feel like people who don't brag are trying to make you jealous by thinking they're hiding something more even exciting.

I think that people who do enjoy my stand-up comedy and the people who get it and the people who are taken in by it, they see that I'm a guy that has love of the game.

I was doing comedy in laundry mats in 1992, literally where I would bring a little gorilla amp and a lapel mike and just start performing.

We all hope for breakthrough rebirth moments.

I do try to keep my show very improvisational. I don't work off a set list; I like to keep it more in the moment. I like to have information about where I'm going, what might be happening in that particular region as well. I like for people to feel like the show is for them.

When you're on a movie set and you are hopefully making a comedy, everyone's stifling their laughter. You're looking at the crew guys, hoping someone is making that face like, and not like, this is not working out, man.

Jim Norton and Harland Williams always make me laugh.

I did stand-up comedy for seventeen years. I need to explore other things.

I'm always going to be someone that people enjoy watching.

I've lived in LA for so long, I don't even know what is real and what isn't any more.

When you are doing stand-up comedy, you are the writer, producer, director, sometimes bouncer.

Nothing is a better icebreaker than a great joke.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

Let's talk a little about love. Sometimes you meet somebody and you have what is known as a relationship and things can go great. If things go great you have a great relationship. Sometimes it doesn't go so great and I call that a relationshit!

When you see somebody walking down the street wearing a Superman t-shirt, you just want to shoot them in the chest ... when they start to bleed go, I guess not

Strip clubs are great places to meet interesting people you only wanna know for about 40 minutes.

Comedy crowds - we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over - 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause - she's not clapping!

I never leave a dog alone in a car on a hot day. I make sure it's with an elderly person holding a baby.

I once overheard the sweetest old woman behind me on a train tell her adorable old husband as he scoffed down a ham sandwich she had brought along, "If you ever yell at me to "stop bringing a ham sandwich with me every where we go" again? Next time I'm bringing a gun. And I'm blowing your God damn head off."

Sometimes, when a person gains a lot of success at a very young age, they become targets, and it's really easy to follow the crowds and not make independent decisions based on truly how you feel.

My real first job was delivering newspapers with I was 15. I would ride my bike around and chuck papers at people's houses. The thing that sucked is when I would go collecting everyone acted like they were not home. Totally sucked but because I could control the weather I showered trashcan size hail down on their homes until they were completely decimated.

I'm interested in doing anything and everything that I can to squeeze the creativity out of my brain. I guess I'm kind of a performance rat, that's what I want to do, I love being on stage if I'm not on a set. I just love putting creativity into a performance.

Some people give you that motivation to work harder simply to get the hell away from wherever they are.

When someone's running late through an airport, I hope they miss their flight so they can meet the love of their life at the duty free shop.

What am I supposed to say to an atheist when he sneezes, ah, when you die nothing happens.

Saw a lost dog sign with a pic of the dog and a little boy hugging it. I'm assuming the kids safe and we're just focusing on the pooch.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are geographically undesirable.

Sometimes sex is just a way to escape having to talk to that person.

I am going to name a group of my kids after my favorite cartoons, I am going to name them after Transformers.

I'm not racist, I've got a black president.

It's an incredible feeling falling in love someone who doesn't know you exist.

I have never even had a sip of alcohol, never have done drugs. The hardest thing I have ever done would be Pepsi.

I'm not giving up on life. I'm giving up on today.