Dana Gould quotes:

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  • I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid...

  • Showing joy by jumping up and down and clapping goes away at some point between pre-school and being old enough to go to orgies.

  • Whoever thought to name a candy bar Butterfinger has either never seen Last Tango In Paris or seen it far too many times.

  • I have all my ex-girlfriends lumped into one big girlfriend I called M.A.N.D.Y.: My, Another Neurotic Disappointment? Yes.

  • Because of Bluetooth headsets, it's getting more and more difficult to tell who's schizophrenic and who's on a conference call.

  • Cowboy boots with a suit? You're a rough, tough businessman. Chaps with a bow tie? You're in the rough, tough man business.

  • If Abe Lincoln took part in the Republican debates, he would look out of place with his intelligence, compassion and gaping head wound.

  • My fantasy football team got mixed up in another fantasy and now they're stuck on a pirate ship with a chick in a Catwoman suit.

  • The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

  • Why did I adopt kids? I dunno. Let me look at my family: religious weirdo, gun nut, biker, boozer, dead tooth, too many cats, the guy who talks to his truck. Hmm. Maybe I adopted because genetically my balls are full of poison.

  • Earthquakes would be great if they could hit specific areas, like the parent lounge at a children's beauty pageant.

  • I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

  • Cupcakes - when you want to watch your weight, but still feel the pride that comes with eating an entire cake.

  • One phrase you don't want kicking off your obituary is, Never, in the long history of bungee jumping...

  • In the midst of all the candy and commercialism, let's not lose sight of the true meaning of Halloween: tree worship and animal sacrifice.

  • Cotton candy. Like eating a cloud of diabetes.

  • Somewhere a woman is praying her toddler wins a beauty pageant. I say this because sometimes people wonder why God lets tornadoes happen.

  • There is no fast, easy shortcut for the word abbreviation.

  • I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!? And Batman said, Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through. Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

  • Does anyone remember how we used to get cash before ATM's? Did we have to go inside the bank? Then what? We lived like apes!

  • A big blizzard proves there's no global warming in the same way being out of milk proves there's no such thing as cows.

  • I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.

  • I would think, if you were horny enough, there'd come a time when it was hos before bros.

  • Our grocery store now has self-checkout, for your convenience. It's like getting punched in the throat, for your comfort.

  • Chihuahuas are the perfect pet if you don't have a person in your life who screams and shits their pants every time there's a noise.

  • If I ever go into a coma, one of you has to promise to come by occasionally and tweeze my unibrow.

  • The only thing that will stop a bad guy with a pressure cooker bomb is a good guy with a slightly larger pressure cooker bomb.

  • I feel sorry for high school teams still named the Cougars. Now what does the coach say? Get out there and play like horny old ladies!

  • Love is like pancreatitis; it starts off slow, then builds in intensity until you become consumed and develop violent cramps.

  • There's nothing like a clown with a boner to remind you that you're having a nightmare.

  • A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.

  • Even if I say, Everyone in the village died of diarrhea, I still laugh a little after diarrhea.

  • In a world of war, pain and suffering, all I want for Christmas is an underwater watch and a silver clutch rod for my dirt bike.

  • I am faced with a bruising dilemma: pay to fix the dishwasher or continue serving everything in waffle cones.

  • My dogs love me. Of course, by love I mean poop and by me I mean everywhere.

  • I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

  • If you encounter someone who pronounces the t in often, odds are they're a douchebag.

  • Reality TV is the perfect antidote to people who don't have enough self-centered douchebags in their life.

  • The best part of chronic head lice is it takes away your fear of dying alone.

  • The Elephant Man claimed his head was big because, it's so full of dreams. Actually, it's because his skull was shaped like a turkey.

  • Like many indelible family memories, carving a pumpkin begins with someone grabbing a really sharp knife.

  • Just because one pedophile is a football coach, please don't turn against all pedophiles.

  • I'm the Forrest Gump of comedy.

  • As hard as I try to live with some degree of faith in my life, I just can't believe that the full moon can turn dude into a wolf.

  • I live in Los Angeles. It's a very liberal city, but it's so hypocritical in what it's liberal about. You can be driving down Hollywood Boulevard, see a guy in lipstick and high heels wearing a fur coat masturbating into a mailbox. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! That's sick!

  • Have you ever had a gay friend lose weight and you can't decide if it's good news or not? Hey you look... great?

  • I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...

  • Have you ever dated a Goth chick for four or five months until you realized she was just an Orthodox Jew? They have the same costumes.

  • Halloween Costume I Hate: kids dressed as their parent's poltical beliefs. Oooh! Aren't you a scary health care reform bill!

  • The Republican Party is the party of Eddie Haskell and the principal from Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

  • I don't mind being alone when I'm surrounded by people, I just hate being alone when I'm alone.

  • The magazine at the health food store said, Stop Aging! Isn't that what death is for? Trust me, we're all gonna stop aging...

  • In an effort to look cool, I am going to stop shouting Hey, you! at airplanes.

  • It's been years since any hillbilly has reported getting sodomized by an alien. Did they break up and not tell us?

  • As Global Warming raises temparatures, it takes longer to cool pies on window sills, and I wonder if this whole thing was caused by hobos.

  • When homeless people go camping, how do they know?

  • Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans...

  • If I had a dreamcatcher when I was thirteen, it would have spent many long days in the dryer.

  • I love my dog, but since the kids came along, the petting has gone out of our relationship.

  • Anything is possible if you believe in yourself, said the guidance counsellor, stifling a laugh.

  • I try to look on the bright side, but it really hurts my eyes.

  • Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

  • Strap On spelled backwards is No Parts. Just sayin'.

  • Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

  • Do people in the Ku Klux Klan who die and come back as ghosts have to wear two sheets when attending the rally?

  • Classified ads of the Ku Klux Klan: Tired of all the games? Do you like racial purity, horses and dressing up like a ghost?

  • Christ was born in a manger, laying down amongst donkeys ang goats. He was given gifts of incense and perfume. No kidding.

  • What if you went to Hell, and it was exactly what you thought it would be: just a cave with fire? And the devil really was this idiot in a red leotard with a pitchfork?

  • If you're selling something on Craiglist, it's never a good idea to end the description with, May have lice.

  • I can't wait for the day I learn to live in the now!

  • Somewhere, there's someone who's masturbation ritual ends with them setting up ventriloquist dummies facing the bed. I mean, someone else.

  • What do people in prison say when they meet new friends? Give me your cell number.

  • My first open mic was fantastic. I crushed. And my second mic was as bad as my first one was good.

  • I like to think of murder-suicide as extreme multitasking.

  • Women do it all the time to look younger and it would make perfect sense if one of them ever came out looking younger - but they don't. They just look the same; they all get plastic surgery face. No matter who they look like going in, they all come out looking like the girl from the band on 'The Muppet Show.

  • Life is like The Muppet Show, but instead of Muppets there's anxiety.

  • Rejected names for World War II: 'Global Super Killfest', 'Germaniacal Japandamonium', 'World War 1: New Moon'.

  • Every time I fold the baby's clothes I feel like a giant that got a housekeeping job with a nice family.

  • Despite a primitive brain, the octopus possesses an intricate system that helps it decide which tentacle to masturbate with.

  • I have one phobia, snakes. And by snakes I mean intimacy.

  • What if you died, and you found out that when you died, we all went to the same place. No Heaven, no Hell, doesn't matter what you did in life - you all go to the same place, regardless. I know a lot of nice people who will be really pissed off. You'll see Gandhi arguing with the doorman.

  • Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?

  • You rarely get a convincing lecture on playing to your strength from a bald guy with a ponytail.

  • Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...

  • To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

  • My dog keeps looking at me as if he knows my secret, as if he and he alone can see my soul. That or he wants this pork chop.

  • If you gave a bag of potato chips to the guy who invented Pringles, he'd look at you like you were trying to hand him an abortion.

  • Chocolate covered peanuts, chocolate covered raisins, chocolate covered pretzels... Chocolate. So afraid to be alone.

  • A giant python was discovered in Florida. Spooky news for a state that derives half it's income from a giant mouse.

  • If I masturbate while Googling myself, which part is more redundant?

  • They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

  • Marriage is like a row boat: it fits two, it doesn't work on auto-pilot and it's very difficult to have sex in.

  • Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

  • Every time the circus comes to town, I can't help thinking, Somewhere out there, there's clown semen.

  • Maybe the next three Star Wars movies will tell the story of how the last three Star Wars movies got so shitty.

  • One day they will invent a time machine and, like the internet, it will be used primarily for boning.

  • When I finally invent a time machine you will already know about it because I'll have told you a long time ago.

  • When I was in high school, girls made fun of me for liking vampire movies. Now, I'd be their king. Time machine, where are you?

  • How do I ask my shrink to stop responding to everything I say with, Too much information! and then giggling behind a pillow?

  • Do transvestites have to dress up for Halloween or do they pretty much qualify from the get-go?

  • I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.

  • Catholic Church reasserts its moral authority on contraception: If God believed in birth control, altar boys would have a uterus.

  • Here's something you never hear: Now that I've worked through all my emotional issues, I'm free to dedicate my life to ventriloquism!

  • There's nothing like a string of Xmas lights inside the house to make the whole family feel like they live in a vintage clothing store.

  • Is it still okay to make fun of schizophrenics? There's a little voice in my head that says no.

  • I have no ability to develop muscle tone. I could do situps all day and still look like a condom full of walnuts.

  • Competition is the death of art.

  • The hole on the face of an acoustic guitar is called the sound hole. The one of the face of its player is called the sincerity hole.

  • We all enter this world in the same way: naked, screaming, soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

  • Common sense dictates the term hot fudge sundae has a totally different meaning in prison.

  • 59% of all suicides are actually botched murder-suicides performed by dyslexics.

  • Want to be happy? Don't live competitively. Be content who you are. Live at peace with yourself and the losers below you.

  • Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

  • Life imitates art but art intimidates life.

  • Whoever coined the phrase, killing two birds with one stone, not only hated birds but also thought we needed to conserve stones.

  • Take away the robots and the special effects, and Star Wars is just the simple story of a group of friends planning a terrorist attack.

  • That which does not kill you isn't finished.

  • Gorillas would be less scary with bunny ears. Actually, what isn't less scary with bunny ears? Osama Bin Laden with bunny ears. Ha! So cute.

  • When all the people covered in tattoos turn about 70 years old, they're going to look like a strange race of melting clowns.

  • Do you know what Irish Alzheimer's is? It's when you forget everything but your grudges.

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