D. L. Hughley quotes:

They had this movie called Juno about a teenage girl who gets pregnant and it's nominated for an Oscar. That's an unusual experience for me, 'cause when a black girl gets pregnant it ain't no Oscar. It's social work and a box of condoms is what that is.

No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning.

There's something about having a great bottle of wine and a great cigar. Nothing compares to it.

I don't need somebody behind a desk to tell me what a marketing survey says is funny. I got 3 million miles and 70,000 tickets sold, telling me that I know how to make people laugh.

No matter how bad things are, you can at least be happy that you woke up this morning. D.

They didn't have to describe Jesus to me for me to know he's black. Jesus' first miracle was turning water into wine at a wedding. Now if that ain't black folk, I don't know what is.

I'm not gonna lie, I love the holidays. But Christmas was a lot more fun when you weren't paying for it.

Every group has its idiosyncrasies, but at a certain point we all are human.

I'd pick a young white guy over an old white guy for president anytime because the younger guy is more likely to have been influenced by the great social changes of the '60s and '70s.

Everybody wants to be great at something.

I used to always run off at the mouth and talk about people. I just didn't know that it would make a living for me.

Black folks never bungie jump. That's too much like lynching for us. I'm gonna let you tie a rope around me and push me off a bridge? You must be out your damn mind.

I think politics in general are just like a popularity contest but McCain is just... old.

With a cigar like in life, you got to have some length, and some girth.

The one thing women love more than money is power.

One of the most beautiful things in the world I've ever seen or heard is people laughing, even when there seems to be so little reason for them to laugh.

Did you ever have the police follow you for so long, that you get suspicious about your own goddamn self? Maybe I did kill them people.

There is always one person in the office that you want to whip their ass! If you don't know who it is, it is probably you.