Buddy Hackett quotes:

What makes a comedian has nothing to do with religion. Think of Red Skelton, Jimmy Durante, Jackie Gleason, who were all Catholics.

You want to know what makes me tick, I'll tell you what makes me tick. I was a boy growing up in Brooklyn; I read a two-penny magazine called 'The Hawk's Nest.' Nobody entered that nest that didn't leave a little richer and a little wiser. And that 11-year-old boy said, 'Isn't that a wonderful thing.' And that's all there is to it.

As a child my family's menu consisted of two choices: take it or leave it.

There have always been mixed emotions about Howard Cosell: Some people hate him like poison, and other people just hate him regular.

At the Sahara, the seats are banked and most of the audience is looking down at the stage. Everybody in the business knows: Up for singers, down for comics. The people want to idealize a singer. They want to feel superior to a comic. You're trying to make them laugh. They can't laugh at someone they're looking up to.

Ninety-nine percent is in the delivery. If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

You look up at drama, down at comedy. A singer, looking up is okay. A comic, it's death.

Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.

I've had a few arguments with people, but I never carry a grudge. You know why? While you're carrying a grudge, they're out dancing.

If you have the right voice and the right delivery, you're cocky enough, and you pound down on the punch line, you can say anything and make people laugh maybe three times before they realize you're not telling jokes.

Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.

A comic, you have to be looking down at him. My favorite rooms, the audience is above the stage, stadium-style.

I have the gift of laughter. I can make people laugh at will. In good times and in bad. And that I don't question. It was a gift from God.

I've had a good day when I don't fall out of the cart.

When I do an hour-and-a-half show, if I don't improvise 20 minutes worth of new material each night, I feel I've let myself down.

My wife said to me, "I want to be cremated." I said, "How about Tuesday?"

Ya know, if you treat every comic the way you treated me tonight, you would never see a bad show.

The menu of my mother consisted of only two choices: Leave it or take it

If it's dirty, it's not funny, but if it's funny, it's not dirty.

Why should I be angry at someone when they are out dancing?

Don't carry a grudge. While you're carrying the grudge, the other guys's out there dancing.

I found out that if you made people laugh, they like you. Most people got to like me because I made them laugh. When they didn't, I hit them.

Your financial cost can best be figured out when you realize that if you were to devote the same time and energy to business instead of gold, you would be a millionaire in approximately six weeks.

A comedian sees the world bent. I'm tangent to the circle.