Brad Williams quotes:

I'm in awe of comedians that do things that I can't do, whether it be a one-liner comic like Anthony Jeselnik, whether it be social issues commentary, whether it be - hell, Carrot Top. I can't be Carrot Top. I can't.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

When you talk about modern comedy I think there's a big three right now, and that's Louis C.K., Bill Burr, and Jim Jefferies. I don't think anyone's doing it better than those three guys.

I'm not going to talk too much politics because I'm not smart enough to do that.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

I would love, obviously, just to keep doing stand-up. That's the constant. That's the thing that I'm going to do for the rest of my life, but also I would like a TV show at some point.

For strangers, what I get a lot is people calling me the opposite of what I am.

Women feel safe with me as well they should, because not only am I morally objected at going too far, but physically I cannot do it.

I'm constantly watching satirical news programs, and just - I never want to be in a situation where someone could yell out a topic and I will have absolutely no opinion on it whatsoever, or just not even know it exists.

Everyone's going to have a racist tweet, a homophobic tweet, a xenophobic tweet, a misogynist tweet. Everyone's going to have a tweet or a post or something that's not going to be ideal, and because of that, you can't really throw stones too hard at the people that do, because if we examined your life in every way, shape, or form, went through every single post with a fine-toothed comb and under that microscope, would it come out all sunshine and lollipops?

I've been to Canada, and they love - oh my God, they love their stand-up comedy in Canada. I've been overseas to do shows for the troops all over the Middle East, and I actually went to China recently and did shows, not for the troops, but just for local Chinese people, and Americans that have moved there, and things like that. It was fantastic. They got it. They're way smarter than we give them credit for.

I don't know anything about you, so when you randomly come up and grab my ass, this isn't a friend doing it. It's like, "Who the f### is doing...? I was not expecting that."

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

It's weird when people ask me, "Why are you so nice?" It's like, "Because that's just what you should do. You should be kind to people." It seems really basic, but it's amazing how many people forget that.

I'm in awe of comics that do things that I can't do, or haven't tried doing yet.

I admire ventriloquists, because I can't do that. I mean, I might get mistaken for a ventriloquist dummy every now and then, but I can't do what they do.

Freedom of speech does not mean that you have to agree with everything that a comedian says, but that comedian should have the freedom to be able to try to make that funny. It's the attempt that I'm trying to defend so hard, no necessarily the execution.

There are things that I won't joke about, but it's not because I don't think they're funny or they can't be made funny. It's just that they don't fit my particular skill set.

It's when I make a joke about Indian people and then a white person comes up to me and says, "That's wrong. You should not talk about Indian people," and the Indian people are over in the audience like, "I thought that joke was hilarious." That is so weird. Then why are you getting mad? You're burning unnecessary calories. You're getting made for the sake of getting mad. I don't understand it.

Yeah, people do need to realize that just because they've seen me perform for an hour does not mean that we are now close.

The personal boundaries, I think for comedians they're a little bit different anyway, but I think people - feel free to do stuff - It's interesting with comedians because when we walk on stage, oftentimes we're talking about ourselves for an hour and we're talking about very intimate details, so after hearing us for an hour, a lot of people feel very comfortable with us because they feel like they know us and they're our friends because we just told them our innermost secrets and details of our lives for an hour. What they forget is we know absolutely nothing about the audience.

There is often times when I'm in a bar or after a show, and a woman just grabs my head and shoves it into her cleavage, or grabs my ass, or something like that which - don't get me wrong. I'm not complaining, but it's just interesting. It's just interesting that that occurs.

Most of the times to be honest with you, I get sexually harassed certainly more than I do to females, because... they are comfortable with me, and because they know I can't take it to a dangerous place.

Women feel safe with me. Because a woman with me knows that she can stop the situation from advancing to a point that she's comfortable at any time.

I don't know, why am I called the opposite of what I am? It's very confusing to me.

I'm such a damn workaholic, that it's interesting to be like, "Oh, what do I do for fun?"

I like to play video games, I like to keep up with sports, and I just like to spend time with people, because I'm on the road so much that when I'm home, I like to spend time with people that I don't normally get to see.

If I make a joke about black people or Asian people or whatever, and then an Asian comes up to me afterwards and says, "That joke offended me," I'm still more or less not going to listen, but at least it makes sense, like I said something that was about them.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I'm funny because I'm funny. And there's more to offer.

I kind of want to know a little bit about everything.

I don't think I'm extremely intelligent by any means.

I don't take too many things too seriously.

If I do talk politics it's very surface, it's not in-depth.

Every now and then you'll say something that didn't quite work. But the important thing is, as a comic, you try to learn why it didn't. And then you adjust and figure out how to either make it work or just abandon it because it's just not funny.

Every now and then we're going to fail.

If you got a hit every third time that you went up to bat in the major leagues, you'd be the greatest hitter of all time. I think my average is a little better than that.

Now, I've gotten to the point in my career, I'm 13 years in, to where I know that I'm funny. I know that I'm good at this.

It's extremely important for people to be informed and to be educated and to know what's going in their community and in their country, but every now and then you just kind of want to turn the brain off for a little bit and just laugh and be silly.

I don't know how to write jokes from the point of view of a six-foot-two guy. So, I'll always talk about it, but I just don't want it to be the absolute focus of all of my act.

Everyone just wants to hear the exact jokes that apply to them and want to - everyone wants a perfectly crafted joke for them.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

I just don't get if you have ever gotten offended by a joke, why would you go to a comedy club? That's where jokes happen.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

I don't get all the anger that is thrown at comedians.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

Half the time, you go on any one of these news sites, whether it be a Yahoo or a Google, and one of the top headlines is always, "Did a comedian go too far?" or "Comedian offends." It's like, "Really? Comedian?" A person that's supposed to make funny and make silly and historically was the only person who was allowed to make fun of the king? We're the ones that you're taking seriously?

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

I don't know why you'd go to a comedian and say, "You know what? You have a large menu of items, but this one thing I did not like and therefore, you should be shut down. You should cease to make a living and you should be thrown out in the streets."

I don't get the animosity when someone tells a joke that you don't like. Whereas if someone made a dish that you don't like if you went to a restaurant, you would either try another dish or you just don't go back to that restaurant. But you don't say like, "I did not like the hamburger here. This restaurant should be shut down. It should be banned from making hamburgers. No one else should have these hamburgers." And everyone else is like, "No, you wouldn't do that."

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

In every other aspect of their life, we have entertainment that is crafted almost to an individual. So they expect that from stand-up as well.

I like to talk about very different topics. I like to jump around a lot because I don't want people to come see me and then for an hour I tell jokes about being a little person. I just don't want that to happen. I understand that it's part of me, that's the first thing that you notice and it's something that people are curious about.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I was a disabled child. So, people made fun of me, don't pretend like this never happens. But at the same time, I never cried about it. I never got sad about it.

There are plenty of wonderful, good fat people in the USA that have no problems being fat, who I have no problems with being fat.

I try not to be mean for the sake of being mean, and if I do do a joke or a tweet or something that is at someone's expense - and those are my fine lines; obviously they're there - I want it to be something that's pretty much across the board we all as a society agree this is bad.

I don't want to be mean. I try not to be.

Just imagine in 20 years, when candidates will have grown up with social media their entire lives. We're going to have a president where we have - where someone could go through their timeline, or someone could go through their Snapchat, or someone will find - a future president will have sent a d### pic.

I try not to be hateful.

I found out if you're a funny guy, a lot of people like you.

I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

When a soldier of the night's watch dies they say, "And now his watch is over." That's what they say when a comedian dies. They go, "And now his tour is done."